Infecting, Smearing, but Never Creating

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....!

Wait... *gasp*... wait, wait..... let me get back up.

So....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....!

Okay.... okay.

So I'm reminded of quite a few things here. 

I'm reminded of when Fredric Wertham wrote the book "Seduction of the Innocent," which claimed - amongst other things - that Batman would turn kids gay. This resulted in comics companies voluntarily establishing the Comics Code Authority so that they wouldn't have to deal with government censorship because they would be effectively censoring themselves (and that will most certainly become relevant later).

I'm also reminded of when "Video Nasties" were supposed to turn your kids into murderers immediately upon contact with their fragile retinas. The outrage over which led to video shop owners being arrested simply for selling them, and movies like "Apocalypse Now" and "The Big Red One" being confiscated (the latter of which police thought was a porn film) because the authorities didn't know what the fuck they were looking for because blind hysteria is not a good way to carry out a coordinated effort on behalf of public safety (I highly recommend you check out this documentary if you want more info).

I am further reminded of the moral panic surrounding rock music and Dungeons and Dragons that resulted in functionally retarded movies like "Rock, It's Your Decision" or the eternally laughed at "Mazes and Monsters" starring a young and probably very embarrassed Tom Hanks, who I'm sure has never pushed for a secret campaign to burn every copy of this film. 

The former - "Rock, It's Your Decision" - tells the story of a teenage boy named Jeff, who loves rock and roll, but ends up turning against the thing that he loves, as well as his heathen friends, when his religious parents and local priest convince him that rock is the Devil's music. By the end of the film Jeff is a friendless, humourless, proselytizing madman and the film almost seems to push the exact opposite of the point it was trying to make. Not that rock and roll is a blight on society; but rather that when you push all the fun and friendship out of your life for the sake of perceived personal virtue, then you become an insufferable shit-hydrant with no friends who will eventually start up a ministry preaching such virtues, raking in loads of cash and then getting caught doing meth and shagging rent boys.

Then there was the PMRC (Parents Music Resource Center), founded by four fun-vampires as a weekend project, presumably because they got bored of watching all their husbands actually work for a living. Because as the Cold War still raged on, these brave women thought the most pressing issue of the time was whether small children could access music with naughty words in it. This resulted in those almost iconic "Parental Advisory" stickers we all know and love. Though not without some opposition:

  

And of course we can't talk about moral panics without talking about video games now can we? No matter how many times it's debunked, video games will always serve as a scapegoat for real life violence, because good parenting has become such an alien concept that people are somehow surprised when you put your child in front of a flashing screen and then ignore them for 15 years and it doesn't produce net-positive results.

But a lot of these moral panics were pushed by Christian Conservatives. Nowadays a lot of the best outrages are perpetrated by the progressive left wing. So now, video games don't just cause violence.... they cause violence against women. 

Video games, music, comics, movies - they've all been attacked (and in some cases, infected) by authoritarian ideologues wishing to project their issue of the day on to your beloved hobby and pass-time. And it never stops because these people... never... stop.

Once great comic companies like Marvel are not only engaging in that aforementioned self-censorship that they shed all too recently with the Comics Code Authority committing ritual seppuku for the good of the industry; they're hiring talentless ideologues who spend more time bitching about the president on Twitter than they do writing decent comics. Because - and let's face it - they were hired based on their genitals, their race, and if not those, then their politics.

Woke Level: Over 9000

But when they can't infect something (because infecting is easier than creating), they do their utmost to associate it with bad people. For the Christian evangelicals before them, heavy metal was the Devil's music. It was the music of evolution-believing school shooters and Satan worshipping baby slaughterers. Those who produced the music were so evil that they would actively hide messages in their songs telling their listeners to kill themselves, because that's how you make money; by subliminally forcing your customers to put a shotgun in their mouth. 

I mean Halestorm does that WITHOUT subliminal messaging, but no, let's go after Priest. 

Now make no mistake; the Regressive Left did try to infect heavy metal, but let's be honest, you're dealing guys who beat each other up at concerts for fun. These people don't care about your feelings any more than they care about how many teeth they went into the gig with. So what's the next step? Call them sexist! Or better yet, associate them with Neo-Nazis. And thus we reach the point we're at today. 

After the riots in Charlottesville in which a (as far as we know) lone white nationalist appropriated Islamic culture and drove a car through a group of leftist counter protesters, killing one and injuring others, the Calgary Police Department in Canada (because of course it was Canada) released a list of signs that your kids may be part of a hate group. 

The trouble is that most of these "signs" are so vague and outright commonplace that you could change the name of the list to "Signs you are Raising an Edgy Teenager" and it would be just as, if not more, applicable. Let's have a look at these shall we?

"Sudden lack of interest in school."

Already we're starting off weak. I would be more concerned if my son were taking TOO MUCH interest in school. All I'm saying is that if your child is coming home with science books thicker than Lexington Steel's dong, then they're either curing cancer or they're developing a new, sentient cancer that can hold the world to ransom. And I'm personally not willing to take that chance. 

"Adopting new groups of friends and staying out late without any explanation."

I'm not even sure I need to comment on this. You've taken a symptom of the common cold and turned it into an AIDS scare.

"Violence or secretive behavior."

Finally we're getting somewhere. But what kind of violence? Giving nerds wedgies? Punching out Chad 'cuz he was checkin' out his girl? Or was Jimmy curb-stomping Jesse Jackson in front of a burning cross? I guess we'll never know because secretive behavior is another common symptom of being a teenager.

I'm starting to think the person who wrote this has never met a kid before. Scratch that. It's not a person. Calgary is home to the very first law enforcing A.I. Like Tay, if Tay were a leftist scaremonger. 

  

"Overt hostility to parents and family, disobedience, rudeness."

Again, very common teenager behavior. However this could easily be a sign that your child has joined Antifa. Have you ever seen those guys? There's more Daddy Issues there than a stripper convention. 

An Antifa Elf, pre-battle.

"Racist graffiti, drawings and doodling."

Closer, but then I remember when I was in school and one of the most popular things to draw on your desk was a swastika. Edgy teenagers will be edgy teenagers. I have to admit though; it does explain why my History project partner insisted on being called Obergruppenfuhrer. 

"Playing loud, heavy music with violent lyrics."

In the article we get a spokesperson for the CPD explaining this entry:

“We’re not saying all people who listen to rock music are part of hate groups, but there tends to be a correlation – people who are involved with hate groups tend to be involved in that kind of music.”

Okay; I mean there is such a thing as "National Socialist Black Metal", so it's not like you can NEVER say metal heads can be involved in hate groups. But - and call me optimistic if you wish - I'm thinking if I pointed to a guy wearing a Marduk t-shirt and said "That guy's a Nazi," and it turned out I was right, you'd best starting calling me Jesus, because that was a miracle. Telling me a Neo-Nazi listened to heavy metal is about as relevant to me as telling me a school shooter played video games. Lots of people do. Again; this is common.
She goes on to say this entry should be taken within the context of the list. That's fine, but so far the list has consisted of things I would expect from a healthily emotional and edgy teen. The context matters little. You have given us nothing useful. 

"Stereotyping and scapegoating of certain groups; name calling, racial and religious slurs in conversation at all times."

This is better. But again; I was a teenager once. Even now if I knew it would shock my mother to walk into her house dressed in an SS outfit, singing "Tomorrow Belongs to Me", I would absolutely do it. I know it wont now because my mother is practically numb to my bullshit these days. 

I have to ask though - knowing these people as I do - are white people included in "certain groups"? How about Christians when it comes to religious slurs? Something tells me they aren't - call me pessimistic if you will.

"Making racist or bigoted comments about minorities, immigrants or foreigners."

You kind of already covered this. But what counts as racist or bigoted? Is my son going to get tackled if he asks why the Polish guy at Subway doesn't learn to speak English? 

"A marked repugnance to consider certain ethnic or religious groups as fully Canadian or even human."

I feel like we're repeating ourselves here. Though I do enjoy the thought of a Canadian Supremacist.

"Wearing or displaying Nazi propaganda and symbols such as swastikas or the Iron Cross and/or military clothing and paraphernalia."

Where is your teenager getting all this stuff? Ebay? My grandfather's cupboard (From all the Nazis he killed of course..... Yup)? Besides, why just Nazi paraphernalia? Why not Soviet paraphernalia? What if your child has a huge picture of Mao hanging over his bed? Nazis weren't the only group that killed millions of people you know. 

To be fair, the last four (or technically two, since three of them were basically the same thing) haven't been that bad. But then we get to the next one....

"Changing their appearance."

.... and we're back in the land of the vague and/or commonplace. Which is pretty much what makes up most of this list. There are few decent ones clumped together near the bottom but again, those could have been whittled down to one entry, and they're things you'd probably take note of anyway without help of a shitty Canadian police department. 

It sort of reminds of that godawful "Right Wing Extremism" game that the Bedfordshire Police released, in which you meet a guy at the gym, go out for some drinks without any indication of anything nefarious going on, and then accidentally end up kicking a black man to death. Or in other words; Shia Laboeuf's regular Saturday night. 

Look, I know a lot of this is coming out of good intentions (Hell does have a new dual carriageway after all). I mean people are joining weird groups left, right and center these days. The Alt-Right, Antifa, the Furries.... but scaremongering with vague bullshit like this isn't going to help. You don't want your police departments acting off of the same "if it breathes it's a Nazi" type instincts as Anti-Fail does. 

But I also know a lot of this is not coming from good intentions. Far from it. 

A lot of this is coming from ideological superiority. And when one doesn't accept it with open arms, then one becomes the enemy. 

These people can't create, you see. And when you can't create, you infect. And when you can't infect, you smear. So these days if you're a metal head you're a Nazi. If you're a gamer you're a misogynist. And if you think Marvel sucks ever since they caught the Social Justice STI then (FEMINIST PROPAGANDA. CASUAL MISANDRY. UNSOLOCITED OPINIONS ON THE WAY MEN SIT ON TRAINS?). 

There's still hope though. Those of us on the anti-authoritarian side (because really, it isn't left or right, it's authoritarian and libertarian) can create. We don't have to infect or smear. So to those of you who are out there creating; whether you be an artist, a writer, a musician, a film-maker, or just some nerd coming up with a new D&D campaign - keep doing what you're doing, and don't anyone - left or right - try to stop you. 

And quite frankly.... I can't wait until Antifa tries to crash a metal show. 

God willing it's a Danzig concert.

Addendum: 

The other reason this is stupid is because you absolutely WILL have people take this sort of thing as gospel, and will suddenly start believe their kids are Nazis because they listen to Slipknot (when in reality the only harm listening to Slipknot does is on the person listening to Slipknot). And remember, it's okay to punch and harm 'Nazis' according to these people.

Also to be remembered; stories about gay and trans kids being chucked out and/or disowned by their parents. Don't think this sort of behavior is relegated only to evangelical Christians.

Now obviously being a conservative (or in my case, a Classical Liberal) is not the same as being gay or trans. But I can honestly see nutcase leftist parents making assumptions about the music (or any media) their child consumes, or taking action for their child merely holding some conservative viewpoints.

I know this sounds a little heavy and perhaps even paranoid; but honestly, people can be insane. Left, Right, Religious, Non-Religious.... There are people who, as far as I can tell, have no political affiliations who have sent their teenagers, against their will, to camps for "troubled teens," simply for looking or thinking differently. These camps are not necessarily religious either. 

Bottom line: A kid listening to 'heavy music' is no more an indication of being in a hate group than a kid reading the Quran is any indication of them being an ISIS supporter. There are more accurate signs that one should be focusing on.

Like losing the only war they ever fought and yet still thinking they're superior.

Atomic Blonde (A.K.A. Neon Lezzers in Commie Town)

Well, on paper this should have worked. Cold War spy movie, set in communist East Germany, 80s aesthetic and soundtrack, martial arts fight scenes, lesbian French woman (A.K.A. A French Woman), John Goodman - consider my nipples hard and my interest piqued. I mean 80s retro is starting to go the way of tamagotchis and Bryan Cranston in terms of cultural fads but maybe they can shoehorn this one in before it goes down like a zeppelin carrying Adele....

... and her backing band. Anyways this looked good, it sounded good, and - as I only found out upon reading the opening credits - it's based on a graphic novel called "Coldest City" by Antony Johnston. Though I'll admit, the only thing of his I've read happens to be an Avatar adaptation of Alan Moore's short Cthulhu Mythos story "The Courtyard"; an excellent piece of work and - as it happens - the single decent Moore CM story I've read. Mainly due to it not containing images of fish men ejaculating.

Yes this happened. And yes, I realize some of you are aroused right now.

But I haven't read the comic so I'm unable to comment on it. Though I will say "Coldest City" is a far better title than "Atomic Blonde". The first title gives off a better impression of the depressive and oppressive atmosphere of pre-89 East Berlin. The second says nothing and is probably false advertising since at no point is Charlize Theron dropped on a Japanese city. And it was too bad she wasn't because then we might have gotten her to emote somewhat.

Yes, here Charlize Theron channels her inner Scarlet Johansson; cold, aloof, humorless and generally a chore of slave labour proportions to watch. I'm not sure if this new tendency to make female characters stoic, unrelatable, sociopaths with the personality of a dismembered mall mannequin is a rising trend or not but it needs to die. If I wanted to look at barely human waifs in unconvincing wigs attempting vainly to replicate human speech and emotions then I'd visit a Japanese robotics lab.

Or a Goth club. Look I understand she's playing what is essentially an assassin, and has probably killed many people. But so has Charles Manson and I think we can all agree that he has maintained a colorful personality.

So basically Charlize Theron plays Lorraine Broughton, an MI6 field agent tasked with going to East Berlin and retrieving a list containing the names of every clandestine agent in the Soviet Union's employ. Pretty simple, almost to the point of being standard, but hey, I can deal with it. What gets my back up mostly is that almost from the outset it manages to make me hate an 80s soundtrack. For me that's like getting Eli Roth to give a fuck.

This is the problem with doing 80s retro style movies. You either have to go over-the-top ridiculous - a la "Manborg" or "Kung Fury" - or subtle to the point of it almost not mattering - a la "Stranger Things", which I still haven't finished because, despite it's overall quality, each episode drags on longer than Clint Eastwood's nutsack on a nudist beach.

Anywhere in between and you end up with "Atomic Blonde", a movie that tries so hard to be '80s' that it ends up being both anything but and annoyingly so. I love 80s pop, rock and metal but if you forcibly cram it in my ear every few minutes yelling tearfully, "SEE? THIS IS THE 80s!", I leave unconvinced, deaf, and probably a murderer. I'm sorry, I can't get over how overbearing this soundtrack is. It's like the movie is a companion to the OST rather than the OST being a companion to the movie. As for the content of the soundtrack, I can't really complain - it's 80s music. However it does contain a morose, almost Placebo-esque rendition of Nena's "99 Red Balloons"; before hearing which I didn't realize it was possible to sedate one's eardrums, but there you have it.

All this would probably be forgivable if the film was in any way comprehensible. It's paced at the speed of Biggie Smalls' decomposition and makes little to no effort to pull you in with anything other than the aforementioned soundtrack. As a result it's like watching dolls being mashed together by a lobotomized two year old. There's no reason to care about anyone because you don't know what the hell's going on and not one character makes you want to care.

Oh and the villains are shit by the way. Almost none of them display any memorability. (SPOILER ALERT) There's one scene where a bunch of guys line up some punks in an alleyway and interrogate them on the whereabouts of... someone (Shut up! I pay attention!). The main bad guy, who looks pretty much like everyone else, beats one of the them to death with a skateboard (END SPOILER). Now despite how easy to remember that scene was, I honestly couldn't tell you when I saw that guy again. I probably did. I undoubtedly did. But I don't remember at all. Not a single one of them displayed any unique traits or personalities that would have kept me interested. Closest I can think of is the big blonde guy who featured primarily in the best sequence in the film; a sequence involving a "one take" fight scene (another fad which I fear is going to end up being done to death eventually) in which this dude just will not die.

Why is it the best sequence? Well despite the generally decent martial arts choreography, it was the only part of the film I could follow. Again, this film's plot is pretty simple but they managed to make it complicated.

The only other vaguely memorable character I can think of is the aforementioned French lesbian girl who was apparently added in while Theron was "thinking about how do you make this different from other spy movies".

I suppose sucking wasn't enough. This film needed to lick as well (Ba dum tish!).

And realistically she's only memorable due to her death mostly being a result of her immense stupidity.

SPOILER:

(French Lezzer is being strangled. Gun on the bed in front of her. She reaches for it but can't get it.)

ME IN CINEMA: It's on top of the covers, love. Pull the covers towards you and it will bring the gun with them.

FL: (Choking sounds.)

ME: This is not hard. There is a way out of this. Just pull the covers....

FL: (Dies.)

ME:

END SPOILER:

I wanted to like this film but I just couldn't. The scenes and aesthetic seem so uniform that I feel like I'm watching the same scene over and over again. I dread to think what this film's budget for neon lighting was. Can anyone tell me if it was typical of European flats to have the walls lined with rave-standard glow sticks? Those communists. They can't give everyone food but they sure can provide stylish interior lighting. Speaking of communism, they try really hard to align this whole story with the fall of the Berlin Wall (Also known as the "Anti-Fascist Protection Wall - not kidding) by mashing old news footage into your face every now and then as if it thinks you've forgotten where and when the film is set, which - shockingly - doesn't work. When you treat your audience like they have Alzheimer's then do not expect a positive reaction.

Beyond that this movie has a serious case of "music-video-itis." It seriously resembles a music video more often than it does a movie a lot of the time and obviously that's not what I came to see. 

So let's see; incomprehensible story, overbearing soundtrack, shit villains, characters that are barely there - this got mostly positive reviews didn't it....?

   

I've actually seen people compare this movie to the "John Wick" films, to the point even that a crossover has been suggested at some point. But I have to counter this. Whilst I'm not a fan of the first JW movie, I AM a fan of the second; and whilst that movie suffers from a bland lead performance like this one does, it made up for it by almost everything else being fucking awesome. Imaginative action scenes, a plot that's easily followed, memorable bad guys and assassins, and side characters that were actually fun to watch. And as much as I think the first JW film is flawed and overrated, it at least had ideas and a world that I thought would be interesting to see more of.

This, however, didn't pull me in at all. It got to a point where I was just waiting for it to end (which it could have many times, but kept going). A bit like this review.

So in conclusion: watch John Wick Chapter 2. Don't bother with this shit. They got John Goodman and did fuck all with him. That's a sin in and of itself.

I saw him kill a movie with a keyboard. A... fucking.... KEYBOARD!

Two Hours of My Life: Divergent (A.K.A. Revenge of the Nerds V)

Sigh. Another day, another misguided teen movie saga. Let's go.

1:33 - Jesus Christ does this have to be two and a half hours long? When you're heading into Kurasawa film length territory with your teen oppression fantasy I think it may be time to make use of the editor. Your target audience's brains haven't fully developed and you're expecting them to sit for 140 minutes NOT browsing Facebook. 

4:32 - No sooner am I delivered a soulless voice over describing to me the trite way in which this world works, do I remember that Ashley Judd is in this film; which makes me think that the narrator wasn't the only person on set that they had to pump full of thorazine.

If we can get through this movie without evoking the messy part of her womanhood I will call that a win.

12:13 - So our main character, Beatrice ('Tris'), lives in a futuristic world where people are split up into different personality factions. This is apparently meant to create peace in the aftermath of some great war. Beatrice is part of the "Abnegation" faction who are basically Amish people who live in grey boxes and help the poor (or "Factionless"). The others are "Erudite" who are the Nerds, "Candor" who are the School Snitches, "Amity" who are those weird kids who sit at the back of the class and draw pictures of their class mates being murdered to get out the aggression, and "Dauntless" who are the Jocks who spend most of their time sprinting down streets and shouting incoherently. 

Whoever thought operating a society like an American High School would keep the peace has clearly never seen "Heathers", but I digress.

Point is in order to split everyone into the appropriate factions they force teenagers to trip their nuts off on Blue WKD which, to be honest, is probably what they would have done anyway. At which point the hallucinations would tell you what faction you're supposed to be in. It's a bit like the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter as written by Irvine Welsh. 

Choose Candor. Choose Dauntless. Choose a fucking big TV....

As is customary in these types of stories, it turns out this blank slate of a girl is somehow one in a million, because she belongs in all of them, and none of them. So far the only traits this girl displays is that of a freshly taxidermied rabbit so, hey, maybe the test is on to something.  

16:38 - Take a drink as another trope of these films rears it's dopey head. Dull, melancholic modern synth music, designed solely to try and inject more gravitas into this film than it deserves. In the mean time I have to ask; if the kids, after having chased the state sanctioned dragon, are then allowed to go and choose which faction they go into, what the hell is the point of the test? I know, it's meant to tell you which one to choose but it clearly doesn't stop you from choosing another faction, and nor does anyone in the authorities. Which will result in....

21:19 - This sheepish, woodland fairy of a girl choosing the warrior clan. Tell me how does this system account for Dunning-Kruger? Am I overthinking this? I probably am aren't I?

And I think we all know why Ashley Judd has that ashen look on her face.

32:14 - So we're now at the Jock HQ and we've been introduced to our clear love interest and male lead, "Four", a man who must get very confused whenever he walks past a golf course (sorry). And following in the footsteps of "Twilight", he is a stony-faced, unlikable wanker. So naturally our girl is drawn to him like Bill Clinton to a fat intern.

49:08 - It seems to me that with Jai Courtenay (top of the pile in Hollywood's evil, neanderthilic "badass" collection), his character's sole purpose is to repeat that scene from "Starship Troopers" where Clancy Brown throws a knife into a recruit's hand, over and over again until the fact that he is an abusive, insecure prick with something to prove is seared into each and every audience member's brain like a tumour scar. There should be a certain amount of fear and suspense whenever the guy shows up but after a while you realize it's pretty much par for the course.

Please fear.

1:01:57 - Okay, firstly this is the second time we've had a close up shot of Four basically molesting the teenaged girl in his care. I know it's meant to be romantic but then so was Edward Cullen sitting and watching Bella sleep outside her bedroom window. In real life both get you headlines in the Daily Mail. 

Secondly; they're now engaging in "War Games" where they use non-lethal projectile weapons with darts that simulate the pain of a gunshot wound. As a paintball player it offends me that they are not wearing appropriate eye protection. These darts are clearly travelling faster than 200ft p/s and therefore could easily take out an eye or teeth. Do you want to end up like Ant in Byker Grove? DO YOU?

1:05:22 - Who made this zipline? Why is the break cord located approximately 800 miles behind her making it dangerously difficult to reach? Why does the zipline end at a brick fucking wall? How many people have died needlessly doing this? Who chose this soundtrack? What's happening? Where am I? 

1:09:48 - Young people everywhere, heed my warning: If ever you find yourself pulled into a hidden corner of a dark building by Ashley Judd, run and do not look back. Do not worry about her. Her orderlies will come and take her away as they will be equipped with the appropriate nets, sedatives and restraints. Even if she says she's trying to help you. Even if she says that you are "Divergent", that your mind works in a million different ways and that you are the bestest girl everest and all the other girls want to be you. Do not trust her. If the government is after her, it's for a reason.

1:13:49 - So after Four gently caresses his student's hair and drugs her into unconsciousness like a good and respectable teacher, Beatrice dives headlong into the ocean of her nightmares. This is where she will face her worst fears, test her mettle and prove herself worthy of wearing a leather jacket and running around yelling like a dick. And what might her worst fear be?

Crows. Her worst fear is Crows.

Luckily Tris is a Mary Sue... I mean... "Divergent", which means she's able to get out of the nightmare by realizing it's just a nightmare, leading me to my second "Trainspotting" reference.

Tris wakes up, presumably to find Four quickly zipping up his trousers (deleted shot).

1:25:39 - So from our journeys into Tris' mind we gather that her main fears are being attacked by feral creatures, being separated from her friends and drowning. From this I gather that she is a relatively normal human being with average depths of personality, and not the all important messiah the movie is trying to convince me she is. After almost getting killed by some of her peers and being saved by Four, the film gets back to its gag inducing romantic subplot.

Is it me or are movie romances getting weirder? We've got teacher/student, stalker/stalkee, necrophilia, bestiality. And it's all being marketed to barely adolescent girls. There are porn companies who wouldn't delve into some of this shit and here it is, rated '12A' and entertaining your daughters. Wake up people! This is the degeneracy the Alt-Right keeps harping on about! 

1:50:21 - Okay, I've been holding out. I know, how could I?

Basically there's a subplot about how the Nerds want to take over the governing of their society from the Amish. To do this they start off by spreading rumours that the Amish leader, Marcus, likes to beat his son. As it happens, Four is his son, and it's true, because the Nerds are smart and they know that if you're going to smear someone then make sure what you're saying is actually true Wall Street Journal.

But now that Tris is fully Jock, and is also now Four's official squeeze (vomits), the Nerds inject all of the Jocks with some sort of mind control serum, claiming it's a tracker. Of course Tris is super awesome and so it doesn't work on her or Four and they find themselves in the middle of a full blown Kristallnacht against the Amish, which I'm guessing must have really triggered Ashley Judd because she isn't here at the moment.

What strikes me is that I quite simply don't care about any of this.

1:52:34 - Holy shit, Ashley Judd's back and some madman gave her a gun. Country on lockdown, full terror alert. It's no use. We're going to have to nuke her. It's for the greater good, damn it!

2:08:35 - So it turns out Ashley Judd is a Jock turned Amish. Not that any of this matters because some saint disguised as a villain gives her the Old Yeller treatment soon after this revelation. On the way back to the Jock emporium we now have our Dream Team: Two old Amish men and a Nerd. Kate Winslet beware; you will be subject to mathematics and home-made butter based justice. Of course her father bites it because the only thing he knows how to shoot is a cow's udder.

But enough about this film's other romantic subplot. Eventually she comes across Four, who is now fully under mind control, and who takes their already questionable relationship to all new dysfunctional heights by beating her until she pulls a Bud Dwyer and turns the gun on herself. This prompts an emotional response, making the list of things that can be saved by love so far "Marriages", "Zombie Apocalypses" and now, totalitarian dictatorships. Suck on that, German Resistance.

Shit love stories! Mein only weakness!

Ultimately the villain's main mistake was; despite the fact that she has numerous controlled warriors to choose from, she decided that her last line of defense was going to be a few angry looking Nerds. After defeating the barrage of pocket protectors and D10s hurled at them Tris and Four manage to shut down the program, thereby saving the Amish from the zombie Jocks. And all in time for Prom too.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is actually the second time I've watched this, and even without pausing it every now and then to write bullshit in the blog it was still plodding, po-faced and pretentious. Not quite as dull and self-important as "Twilight", but not even as interesting as "The Hunger Games" - which it seems to steal its ideas from. Society split up into factions with different skills and industries, pitting teens against one another for societal worth, trains being the main mode of transport in the future. Not that those were all original in The Hunger Games either, but there's clear derivation here.

Ultimately it's another movie where the main character is essentially a blank slate for teenage girls to project themselves on to, like a glorified Mills & Boon character. If that's what you enjoy then have fun but it's not really great cinema.

Let's just be happy Ashley Judd can no longer hurt anyone.

Altered States: Cartels and Cave Mongs

Well it's been a while since I sat down and enjoyed a good, old fashioned, 80s, B-grade horror flick. From Ken Russell; the man who brought you Oliver Reed fighting naked in front of a roaring fire, I give you "Altered States".

It follows the story of Edward Jessop, a professor in "Abnormal Psychology" who frequently experiments with sensory deprivation and mind altering drugs in order to reach some other form of consciousness. Instead of chugging a bottle of gin at a friend's party and locking himself in the bathroom like most normal people, Eddie makes his way to Mexico to trip balls with the natives in a suitably dramatic fashion.

When I say dramatic I understate somewhat because this film was directed by a man who once filmed a scene depicting a nun masturbating with a charred human femur. So what can we possibly expect from such a film?

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?!

Nothing. Nothing that's what. You watch and you get what you get. And what you get is a demonic, seven eyed ram. Why? Fuck off. How dare you. You come here from the world of gun-metal grey first person shooters, endless sequels and homogenous, de-bollocked everything and you have the gall to question the need for this? Stare into his eyes and beg forgiveness you congealed placental stain on the bedsheet of life.

But enough hoof-licking. This film was written by legendary screenwriter Paddy Chayefsky based on his own novel; who clearly wasn't happy with the result because he's credited as "Sidney Aaron". Why he wasn't happy with this is beyond me. It's about a man who devolves into proto-human form through a combination of Mexican drugs and mad scientist level zeal. Between this premise and the hiring of Ken Russell (whose final film was simply titled "Whore") there was very little space to fuck up.

To be fair it does have its faults. Aside from some unintentionally funny hallucinations which border the line between unsettling and genuinely giggle-worthy, it lacks a satisfying ending. Not only does the film seem to simply stop instead of properly resolving itself, it's unconvincingly happy considering the somewhat Lovecraftian tone of the rest of the film.

Pictured: What happens when there's a fire at the Sex Doll Factory.

You can certainly tell this was written by Chayefsky though. Just check out the highly acclaimed classic film "Network" and you'll notice how he favours melodramatic tones and highly analytical dialogue. This isn't bad by any stretch but few actors can pull it off convincingly. Luckily this film has some; particularly in Charles Haid of "Hill Street Blues" fame, who portrays my favourite character in the film "Mason". Mostly because he swears and yells a lot, is an angry bastard but genuinely seems to care underneath it all. My sort of character really. 

What you really want to watch this film for however is how pigeon-eatingly demented it is. Aside from the hallucination sequences you have a scene where the main character regresses back into a feral caveman state (those Mexican Cartels cook up some strong shit) escapes into the city and picks fights with animals at the zoo. And yet somehow it doesn't force me to take it less seriously.

Between the psychedelic visuals and themes surrounding man's monkey origins you could almost say this is the "2001: A Space Odyssey" of horror films. Despite it's crap ending it ends up being memorable and even somewhat creepy at times. Especially when you consider that there could be a Mexican drug fuelled, cave mong lurking deep within us all.

And in the long run it's the everyday horrors like that that resonate with us. Am I right?

If anyone needs me I'll be at Church.

   

  

Media, You're Being Creepy

This is actually terrifying.

Come now Mainstream Media; it's clear you heavily dislike the guy for ideological reasons. You hate him because, despite all the smearing and nonchalant assassination tips, he defeated the Crypt Keeper in a blonde wig and managed to prove just about every Democrat media shill wrong with nothing but self-aggrandizement, a dead cat toupee and millions of frog memes. It was like watching the disabled kid accidentally trip the school bully into a trough of nails with the words "PRAISE KEK" written on the side.

I understand this was probably stressful for you. But no one expected you to turn into the villain of a 90s proto-slasher flick.

A round of applause for my MS Paint skills.

No one wanted this. We're all worried. You even hired an expert to study the woman's every fidget, flinch and presumably fart ("There! You hear that slightly higher pitch at the end? It means 'Help! He's posting another Tweet!'"). Did you happen to find this expert perched atop a ladder near a catholic girl's school dormitory?

I mean I'm sure there's wars going on in other countries and everything but here you are analyzing grainy footage for any sign that she might need your help. It's like Gary Busey in "Hider in the House."

I can only call this film "Hilarifying."

I honestly don't mean to bring up all these stalker movies but I can't help it. It's happening naturally. I'm genuinely afraid that Donald's going to go to the White House front lawn one morning and find the bloodied head a German Shepherd hanging from the flag pole, like what Mark Wahlberg did in the movie "Fear".

See? I did it again! And now I'm imagining some sort of tense climax where Chris Cuomo, sneaks into the Oval Office with an axe, yelling, wild eyed about how he "loves" Melania and that he wants to "save her from the meany frog man". Eventually him and Donald have a fist fight on the roof and Chris gets knocked off and impaled on the wrought iron fence. And as he dies slowly, his body sliding down the metal spikes of the most powerful office in the world; Donald looks down on him, raises his finger and says....

"YOU are Fake News."

Credits.

I forgot what I was talking about. I'm on the phone to 20th Century Fox. It'll be huge!

Gods of Egypt vs. Jupiter Ascending

Some critics are idiots, and here's why:

This is how a friend of mine suggested that I begin this post. The other one was "10 Reasons the Critics Got it Wrong!!! - #7 May Shock You!", but I would rather die of dysentery in a Calcutta latrine than sully my already laughable blog with such a title/opening. So it was either the former or this wouldn't have had an introduction, which would have troubled me deeply for some reason.

Anyways, I watched these two films. Let me tell you what I thought in unnecessary detail.

"Gods of Egypt" is a 2016 film directed by Alex Proyas; the man who brought us "The Crow", "Dark City" and, unfortunately, "Knowing" starring Nicolas Cage; a film with an intriguing premise which eventually amounted to nothing more than a two hour Shaggy God Story (a story which ends with the twist "Holy Cow! It's Adam and Eve!" before the editor of the 1950s sci-fi magazine the story was sent to crumples it up and hurls it into the wastebasket to be fed to hogs later).  

As you can probably tell by the hilariously overproduced advertising art the film sports, my friend and I picked this one up expecting it to be the Turkey of 2016. We expected a film awash with over-the-top CGI effects, hammy performances, shit green screen and hilarious representations of Egyptian Gods. We were, of course, not disappointed. However what we didn't expect was to actually enjoy the film.

For all the moments of video game environments that shift from a desert to a swamp in a matter of mere seconds; for all the scenery chewing hamminess that would give Brian Blessed an embarrassed chubby the size of the average Mars volcano; for all the Shakespeare wannabe dialogue and a plot that becomes so blurry towards the end that you might as well watch an episode of Spartacus while jacked to hell on street grade heroin.... I actually really fucking enjoyed it.

The friend I was watching it with at the time is big into his ancient mythologies so picking up a movie that actually sort of faithfully makes use of Egyptian myths by way of typical Hollywood "subtle as a shovel to the face from an un-medicated Randy Quaid" style of film making was actually the highlight of our weekend.

Picture of Randy Quaid just because

The film opens with an almost showdown style CGI brawl between Set (GeRAAAAARRRd Butler) and Horus (The Kingslayer). Now normally I would say that the film blew its load early, however whilst it DID blow it's load pretty damn early, it continues to blow its load over the next two hours until the TV is bulging at the seams with sticky white entertainment.

Picture of Nick Manning just because

Now beyond all that I think that the actors and - to at least some extent - the writing do a good job of creating some decent chemistry between the characters. Each Egyptian God has their own unique personality (with Chadwick Boseman as Thoth, the God of Wisdom being a stand out favourite of mine) and there are some genuinely funny moments to enjoy as you wait for the next scene in which Horus fights two women riding on the backs of giant cobras and that may be the most awesome sentence I have ever typed.

Now look, it's not going to win any awards any time soon and nor should it. However in a time of mediocre reimaginings of old franchises, bland stories filled with stock characters and so little personality they feel as though they've been ripped right off a conveyor belt in a Gilliam-esque bureaucratic dystopia; seeing something that actually seems to be having fun with itself and its own ideas, something that gives off an almost old school fantasy vibe... well it's refreshing. I don't know about you but I'm not exactly on the edge of my fucking seat for "Back to the Future: The Recycling" or what-the-fuck-ever. I'd personally rather watch Geoffrey Rush as the God Ra shooting fire at a giant lamprey while dressed as the Space Pope.

Ye best start believin' in GOD stories!

What's not to like? Well the mainstream film press have their waterslide fucking noses to look down don't they? They can't be giving good reviews to things that are actually entertaining or anything. So what kind of excuse can we make up to take a big steamy dump on this piece of harmless fun so we can all huff away at it and enjoy the stink of our own needless bile?

Well we could channel the left wing version of Archie Bunker and proclaim loudly that there are too many white people here! Of course! Pretty mental though eh? I didn't know Sadiq Khan was writing film reviews.

I mean it's one thing complaining about the "whitewashing" of the yet-to-be-made "Akira" live action film. "Akira" is an authentically Japanese story, even without the tentacles. So it shouldn't exactly be a surprise to Hollywood that people would expect the film to actually contain Japanese people. However when we're talking about an original film that makes use of mythology from a nation of people who, scientists pretty much admit, we don't know the fucking race of.... well I'm sorry Mr Virtuous, you've been forcefully conscripted into the learning support division of the Fun Police. You are now Police Constable Buzzkill of the Social Justice Branch and fuck you for making me bring up race politics in a goddamn film review.

To cap that part off, I do recommend getting a bunch of friends round and checking out "Gods of Egypt". It's like if "Exodus: Gods and Kings" were written by a hyperactive, autistic 12 year old boy. Or to be more specific - it's like if "Exodus: God's and Kings" wasn't a long, dreary, boring waste of my fucking time. Oh look; even that film got a higher RT rating than "Gods of Egypt". What a surprise.  

(Slurping sounds from under the table)

Speaking of films that undeservedly got a higher RT rating than "Gods of Egypt" (though admittedly, not by much either); let's move on to The Wachowski's most recent effort "Jupiter Ascending". This was another viewing suggestion from my friend over the weekend in question and clearly he used up all his luck on "Gods of Egypt" because this film was like taking all the shittest ideas from Space Opera's past and stitching them all together like Josef Mengele at a Twins Festival.

It stars Mila Kunis as Jupiter Jones - whose name I'm not even going to bother to make fun of - a Russian immigrant who spends her time scrubbing toilets to help her family make ends meet. In the process of trying to sell her egg cells at a clinic Jupiter is saved from an attack by Cain Wise (Channing Tatum) who is part dog and also later part bird somehow. Caine takes her to see Stinger (Sean Bean) who is apparently part Bee. I didn't know this until I read the synopsis on Wikipedia. I'm guessing they were too ashamed to mention it. Anyways, something, something, Jupiter owns the planet Earth.

I'm not even sure where the fuck to begin with this because the whole movie is "Flash Gordon" as written by Stephanie Meyer. It's quite uncanny actually; the dull female lead character who's built up to be this all important, fantastic individual but... isn't - check. A bulky, stoic and emotionally distant love interest whose relationship with the lead character teeters obliviously on the brink of bestiality - check. Following that, absolutely no chemistry between the romantic leads - check. World mythology that reads like the foggy, hormone laden scrawling in a teenage girl's diary for future uploading to Fanfiction.net - check. An ineffectual lead villain played by a British actor whose performance is so perplexing it almost barrels cock first into the realm of utter genius....

Check and Mate my fuckin' beauties! Hell, maybe Lana and Lily Wachowski should've kept their balls in a small container near their word processor reading "Break Glass in Case of Emergency". Maybe next time whatever they write wont resemble a barely pubescent girl's wet dream. 

Only seen the first episode; my review so far is a bored shrug

  

Speaking of Eddie Redmayne's performance; I honestly can't understand how the Wachowskis even got that out of him. What possible combination of words and phrases could they have used that would have possibly driven him to deliver such a puzzling act?

"Okay Eddie, this'll be our first rehearsal. What we'd like from you is to deliver your lines whilst channeling a combination of Roman Emperor, tired cancer patient and elderly ostrich. Occasionally we'd like you to shriek out your lines, seemingly at random, and when you do really force it out like you're trying to shit a 90s desktop PC monitor. I wanna see some forehead veins Eddie, come on!"

Narratively and stylistically this film is all over the place. The aliens are varied but there's no real coherence. Some aliens resemble the standard "Greys" with almost bird like legs, others are generally human and many are simply weird animal human hybrids. This wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing (the elephant pilot is a highlight) but the film doesn't really explain its universe very well. Everything just rushes past and you're forced to just accept the fact that Sean Bean is part honeybee and that said bees swarm towards Jupiter because they're "programmed to sense royalty" (which, despite being part bee himself, Sean Bean wasn't able to figure out within seconds of meeting her).

Special Guest Star - John Merrick

As for the style; about half way through the film we're treated to a sequence where Jupiter is led through a ridiculous amount of bureaucratic red tape in order to ascend to her rightful place in some royal family or other (I pay attention I do!), accompanied by an odd looking robotic being and an almost Danny Elfman  style musical score. And just as you realize they're doing a really blatant and poorly placed homage to Terry Gilliam, who should show up but....

Terry Gilliam, seen here measuring your power level

The word "why" is probably buzzing through your grey matter like a swarm of bees with Sean Bean's face horrifically planted on to each and every one of them. It was with me too. I assume the Wachowskis just found him pottering around near the set with a rusted out tin mug, begging for coins to finally pay for that "Don Quixote" film that God seems dead set on not ever letting us see, so they just decided to put him in the film. And despite how out of place it is, it's probably the best scene in the movie. Proving that a little Terry Gilliam always makes things better WARNER BROTHERS!

One thing particularly puzzling about the reception to this film (other than the inexplicable 10% higher approval rating over "Gods of Egypt") is the more positive response among "a niche of female science fiction fans who appreciated the film's campiness and the film's deviation from typical gender stereotypes in a genre that is traditionally male-centered."

Now you all know how I feel about gender politics in fiction in general, but I don't really care that much. At least SOMEONE'S having fun with this. I just find it funny considering throughout the film Jupiter Jones as a character does the precise square route of FUCK ALL except get herself into situations that force the main male lead to swoop in and save her at regular intervals. Having said that:

"Donna Dickens of HitFix.com noted that many viewers found the film attractive for providing "the wish-fulfillment of prepubescent girls". Dickens explained that where Hollywood typically portrays strong women in action films as "Arnold Schwarzenegger with boobs", Jupiter Ascending presents Kunis' character differently. "Women don't always want superhuman robots to look up to. We want to be the same klutzy nobody who is cosseted and petted and told we're special – despite all evidence to the contrary," she wrote."

That's.... actually quite accurate really. Guys and girls have very different ideas of "wish fulfillment." Guys want to save and girls want to be saved. Doesn't make one weaker or more dominant than the other. It's just how we're built.

Like how I was built for the couch and you were built for the kitchen!

However when all your female character does is stand around like a dolt while her man rushes over to rescue her for the 100th time in the flick and not much else.... well I start to care less because I realize that this character, whose importance you've been bigging up this entire film so far, isn't as important or interesting as you've let on. It's one of the many problems with both "Twilight" (all of the bastards) and "Snow White and the Huntsman", and at least those films had the excuse of having cast Kristen Stewart - whose best performance was in "Panic Room" because she spent most of her time in a diabetic trance and it lent itself very well to her acting ability.

"Are you okay Kristen?"

"Why does everyone keep asking me that!?"

And with that I conclude this post. Basically, go watch "Gods of Egypt". It's silly, over the top and it's a tremendous amount of fun. It's one of those films that straightforward without being paper thin, and stupid without insulting your intelligence. If you're looking for some old school fantasy with an over-the-top contemporary CGI flavor then this is the film for you. Fun police be damned!

"Jupiter Ascending" however is just incoherent, loud and generally unfunny. It doesn't quite know what the hell it wants to be and it explains so little about itself that you just end up giving up about halfway through. The ultimate travesty of this film being that Eddie Redmayne wasn't in it enough for me to stare at like a sideshow freak.

Picture of Eddie Redmayne just because