(The Virgin) Blade Runner 2049 vs. (The Chad) Soldier

Oh look, it's time for another episode of "The Critics are Wrong", the show where I express a contrarian opinion to distract myself from my inevitable hearse ride to Hell.

(SPOILER WARNING FROM HERE ON OUT)

Let me take this moment to fanboy for a second and state emphatically that I LOVE the original "Blade Runner." I'm certainly not alone on that so that's a minus on the contrarian scale, but there's probably no more unique, stunningly crafted, timeless and multi-layered movie that Hollywood has ever produced. At the risk of over-hyping the movie for those who've never seen it, it is a masterpiece.

Simple and complex all at the same time, searingly beautiful visuals that stand up to (and are often superior to) anything you'll see on the screen today, a gorgeous Vangelis soundtrack that'll haunt your ear drums like a sonic phantom, a story that's steeped in meaning whilst still remaining entertaining and performances - the stand out being Rutger Hauer whose own improvisations led to one of the most well known and hauntingly beautiful lines in the movie - that you'll remember until they stuff you into the back of that aforementioned hearse to be driven to the processing facility and turned into nutritious feed for the ever-growing population of welfare-recipients that will no doubt frequent the horrid future that awaits us.

Yes, that got dark, but you shouldn't even be reading this. You should be watching one of the many versions of Blade Runner that are out there, all of which - yes even the Theatrical Cut with its droning narration performed as an afterthought by a fed-up Harrison Ford at the behest of the movie studio, and that makes use of outtake footage from The Shining at the end - are worth looking at. Because they are all Blade Runner. And bare in mind this was at a time when Ridley Scott was churning out classic movies like "Alien" and "Black Rain".

A time before he seemed to collapse under the weight of his own ego and started giving us bloated "epics" that Cecil B. DeMille wouldn't wipe his dick clean with (and quite frankly, if you don't like Black Rain then you are wrong and your parents did a terrible job raising you).

Speaking of which (Bloated epics, not your neglectful parents); Blade Runner 2049. This didn't need to happen. That's really the short version. Of all the things that didn't need to happen, this didn't need to happen the most. And I say that at a time when the only thing more common in Hollywood than cabals of industry pedophiles is sequels to classic franchises. And quite frankly Corey Feldman should get his priorities straight. More people had to sit through Jurassic World than do a striptease for Kevin Spacey, Corey. Needs of the many and all that.

If you want a more in-depth review then here goes:

It's overlong, boring, filled with dramatic pauses between lines that fedora wearing film-school rejects think is the pinnacle of artistry and a villain that's so invisible that the film might as well not even have one. It completely foregoes the film-noir style of the original, and whereas the original was a small scale movie with big scale themes, this film is a big scale movie with little to no meaning. You've probably heard this criticism before but I happen to agree with it:

This was a fanfic. An expensive, somewhat pretty and well produced fanfic. But a fanfic nonetheless. Which is weird when you consider one of the screenwriters was Hampton Fancher, the co-writer of the original film alongside David Peoples. And it's clear that what we lost in David Peoples' absence, we gained in 80ft hologram women.

Say what you want - the "Giantess" crowd will love it.

And speaking of holographic women; Ryan Gosling (who plays 'K', a replicant Blade Runner) has a hologram waifu. This is where the 'fanficcy' aspects of this film properly come to light, as this over-extended romance sub-plot targets the cringe centers of your brain with laser precision. I was thinking that what the original needed was more excruciatingly long scenes of a hologram woman hiring prostitutes so her owner could pretend to fuck her. At least in the original when Rick Deckard bedded a replicant it conjured questions of what it means to be human and whether a robot could ever be considered human. Here the only questions I have are related to why I'm watching what is clearly a sci-fi soap opera based on ideas from Deviantart.  

It ends clearly gunning for a sequel with the suggestion of a full blown "revolution" amongst the replicants, with the daughter of Deckard and Rachel from the original put across as some kind of messiah for them. Oh yeah, Rick fucked a robot and she got pregnant. Fanfic levels: 100%. 

The thing is when I said this didn't need to happen, I absolutely meant that. Because apart from anything else... Blade Runner HAS a sequel. But no one really knew it was a sequel. 

That movie was "Soldier", starring Kurt Russell.

Drink in the 90s everyone.

Why is it a sequel? Well for one thing it was written by David Peoples (the last movie he was credited on according to Wikipedia). And it is set in the same universe. Don't believe me? Have a look at this screenshot:

Notice the "Battle at Tannhauser Gate"? Now go back to Rutger Hauer's famous "Tears in the Rain" scene and listen to him. As it happens there's also a "Spinner" vehicle from Blade Runner hidden in the film. 

Right there in the middle.

Okay, strictly speaking it's not a sequel. More of a spin-off or a 'side-quel' as David Peoples said. But that's one of the many reasons this film is superior to "Blade Runner 2049: Bring My Waifu to Laifu". It makes no effort to even attempt to follow up Blade Runner, instead simply making use of the fascinating universe it's set in. 

Now hold on. I know what you're thinking as you're browsing the Wikipedia article and YouTube clips of this movie. Yes, this film bombed at the box-office (making around 14 million back of its 60 million budget), yes it's directed by stupidity genius Paul W.S Anderson who brought us Milla Jovovich's acting talent and a "Resident Evil" adaptation where more people were killed by a sci-fi laser trap than any of the zombies, yes some of the sets look like they were built with cardboard by an autistic ten year old. I totally understand all of those things, I really do. But hear me out for a second, because there are genuinely many things to like about this film.

Firstly, ignore the interior sets, they don't look great. But check out the exterior sets of the garbage planet the story is set in:

60 million or no, that shit is fucking cool. 

Then there's the premise: Kurt Russell plays Sergeant Todd, the titular Soldier who has been trained to be one since the moment he was able to walk, and perhaps earlier. This is a guy who's known violence and nothing but since before learning to tie his own shoelaces. Not love, not compassion, nothing but war. 

After losing a fight to a genetically modified soldier (making him and his brethren obsolete) he is mistaken for being dead and dumped on a garbage planet where he is found by a group of settlers who crash landed there years ago. It's here that Sergeant Todd has finally use his skills and abilities not just for murder and mayhem, but for the good of people he will ultimately come to care for. 

There are ideas here. Themes. Yes, I think Paul Anderson may have had a hand in making some uncredited changes to the script, perhaps to make it more commercial and dumb it down a bit, but David Peoples' influence is still there, and it elevates what could have been a run of the mill action flick to something that is dangerously close to actually having a message. I mean look at the opening:

Not the full opening unfortunately. But look past the over-bearing soundtrack. These are guys who have been taught to kill the target NO MATTER WHAT. Yes, even if there's a screaming innocent woman in front of the target, you fucking shoot and you shrug it off like it's nothing. There's another part (not in the clip) where we see a teenage Todd running along with a group of boys. But one lags behind, which results in a jeep pulling, a man getting out and shooting the kid dead off screen. All the while Todd and the group keep going.

Never reacting. Always moving. This is normal. Soldiers die. This is war. 

You don't SEE this in movies now. And when you do it's usually some watered down 'Hunger Games' bullshit where a spear wound in the chest generates the same amount of blood as the average nosebleed and all the kids look about 25 anyway. There's genuine horror here and Kurt Russell, despite a stoic performance, does a great job in making you empathize with what is essentially a cold-hearted killing machine. 

Now is this film flawed? FUCK yes it is. Many of the interiors look like they were crafted in an episode of "Art Attack". It's filled with cheesy moments and like I said earlier, I'm pretty convinced Paul Anderson dumbed it down considerably. But god help me I like a lot of that stuff. I like the 90s action nostalgia, I like the cheese, I like the fact that Kurt Russell kills a guy and a fucking fireball shoots up behind him to highlight how cunting badass this whole thing is. 

AND I LIKE THIS FUCKING LINE:

If you don't, if you think it's cheesy and overly macho and perpetuates toxic masculinity or some other such gender studies bullshit, then fuck you. Your T-Level count resides in the lowest regions of Hell, being corn-holed by sand-paper dicked imps. You're a waste of my time. 

So.... how did the films each fair up in the critic's estimations. As if you didn't know already:

 Universal acclaim for a two and half hour, pretentious bore-fest. Meanwhile the one that's actually entertaining, albeit flawed, gets no recognition. Look, say what you want about "Soldier", but it doesn't outstay its welcome, it moves along nicely and best of all... it doesn't try to follow on from the movie it shares a universe with. It doesn't step on the original's toes.

Soldier is Blade Runner's semi-retarded brother. But it's the kind of semi-retarded brother you'll ride the short bus to school with every day. And not because your mum told you to... but because you love him. And you'll defend him with your last breath.

"I like dinosaurs." - Actual Quote

Infecting, Smearing, but Never Creating

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....!

Wait... *gasp*... wait, wait..... let me get back up.

So....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....!

Okay.... okay.

So I'm reminded of quite a few things here. 

I'm reminded of when Fredric Wertham wrote the book "Seduction of the Innocent," which claimed - amongst other things - that Batman would turn kids gay. This resulted in comics companies voluntarily establishing the Comics Code Authority so that they wouldn't have to deal with government censorship because they would be effectively censoring themselves (and that will most certainly become relevant later).

I'm also reminded of when "Video Nasties" were supposed to turn your kids into murderers immediately upon contact with their fragile retinas. The outrage over which led to video shop owners being arrested simply for selling them, and movies like "Apocalypse Now" and "The Big Red One" being confiscated (the latter of which police thought was a porn film) because the authorities didn't know what the fuck they were looking for because blind hysteria is not a good way to carry out a coordinated effort on behalf of public safety (I highly recommend you check out this documentary if you want more info).

I am further reminded of the moral panic surrounding rock music and Dungeons and Dragons that resulted in functionally retarded movies like "Rock, It's Your Decision" or the eternally laughed at "Mazes and Monsters" starring a young and probably very embarrassed Tom Hanks, who I'm sure has never pushed for a secret campaign to burn every copy of this film. 

The former - "Rock, It's Your Decision" - tells the story of a teenage boy named Jeff, who loves rock and roll, but ends up turning against the thing that he loves, as well as his heathen friends, when his religious parents and local priest convince him that rock is the Devil's music. By the end of the film Jeff is a friendless, humourless, proselytizing madman and the film almost seems to push the exact opposite of the point it was trying to make. Not that rock and roll is a blight on society; but rather that when you push all the fun and friendship out of your life for the sake of perceived personal virtue, then you become an insufferable shit-hydrant with no friends who will eventually start up a ministry preaching such virtues, raking in loads of cash and then getting caught doing meth and shagging rent boys.

Then there was the PMRC (Parents Music Resource Center), founded by four fun-vampires as a weekend project, presumably because they got bored of watching all their husbands actually work for a living. Because as the Cold War still raged on, these brave women thought the most pressing issue of the time was whether small children could access music with naughty words in it. This resulted in those almost iconic "Parental Advisory" stickers we all know and love. Though not without some opposition:

  

And of course we can't talk about moral panics without talking about video games now can we? No matter how many times it's debunked, video games will always serve as a scapegoat for real life violence, because good parenting has become such an alien concept that people are somehow surprised when you put your child in front of a flashing screen and then ignore them for 15 years and it doesn't produce net-positive results.

But a lot of these moral panics were pushed by Christian Conservatives. Nowadays a lot of the best outrages are perpetrated by the progressive left wing. So now, video games don't just cause violence.... they cause violence against women. 

Video games, music, comics, movies - they've all been attacked (and in some cases, infected) by authoritarian ideologues wishing to project their issue of the day on to your beloved hobby and pass-time. And it never stops because these people... never... stop.

Once great comic companies like Marvel are not only engaging in that aforementioned self-censorship that they shed all too recently with the Comics Code Authority committing ritual seppuku for the good of the industry; they're hiring talentless ideologues who spend more time bitching about the president on Twitter than they do writing decent comics. Because - and let's face it - they were hired based on their genitals, their race, and if not those, then their politics.

Woke Level: Over 9000

But when they can't infect something (because infecting is easier than creating), they do their utmost to associate it with bad people. For the Christian evangelicals before them, heavy metal was the Devil's music. It was the music of evolution-believing school shooters and Satan worshipping baby slaughterers. Those who produced the music were so evil that they would actively hide messages in their songs telling their listeners to kill themselves, because that's how you make money; by subliminally forcing your customers to put a shotgun in their mouth. 

I mean Halestorm does that WITHOUT subliminal messaging, but no, let's go after Priest. 

Now make no mistake; the Regressive Left did try to infect heavy metal, but let's be honest, you're dealing guys who beat each other up at concerts for fun. These people don't care about your feelings any more than they care about how many teeth they went into the gig with. So what's the next step? Call them sexist! Or better yet, associate them with Neo-Nazis. And thus we reach the point we're at today. 

After the riots in Charlottesville in which a (as far as we know) lone white nationalist appropriated Islamic culture and drove a car through a group of leftist counter protesters, killing one and injuring others, the Calgary Police Department in Canada (because of course it was Canada) released a list of signs that your kids may be part of a hate group. 

The trouble is that most of these "signs" are so vague and outright commonplace that you could change the name of the list to "Signs you are Raising an Edgy Teenager" and it would be just as, if not more, applicable. Let's have a look at these shall we?

"Sudden lack of interest in school."

Already we're starting off weak. I would be more concerned if my son were taking TOO MUCH interest in school. All I'm saying is that if your child is coming home with science books thicker than Lexington Steel's dong, then they're either curing cancer or they're developing a new, sentient cancer that can hold the world to ransom. And I'm personally not willing to take that chance. 

"Adopting new groups of friends and staying out late without any explanation."

I'm not even sure I need to comment on this. You've taken a symptom of the common cold and turned it into an AIDS scare.

"Violence or secretive behavior."

Finally we're getting somewhere. But what kind of violence? Giving nerds wedgies? Punching out Chad 'cuz he was checkin' out his girl? Or was Jimmy curb-stomping Jesse Jackson in front of a burning cross? I guess we'll never know because secretive behavior is another common symptom of being a teenager.

I'm starting to think the person who wrote this has never met a kid before. Scratch that. It's not a person. Calgary is home to the very first law enforcing A.I. Like Tay, if Tay were a leftist scaremonger. 

  

"Overt hostility to parents and family, disobedience, rudeness."

Again, very common teenager behavior. However this could easily be a sign that your child has joined Antifa. Have you ever seen those guys? There's more Daddy Issues there than a stripper convention. 

An Antifa Elf, pre-battle.

"Racist graffiti, drawings and doodling."

Closer, but then I remember when I was in school and one of the most popular things to draw on your desk was a swastika. Edgy teenagers will be edgy teenagers. I have to admit though; it does explain why my History project partner insisted on being called Obergruppenfuhrer. 

"Playing loud, heavy music with violent lyrics."

In the article we get a spokesperson for the CPD explaining this entry:

“We’re not saying all people who listen to rock music are part of hate groups, but there tends to be a correlation – people who are involved with hate groups tend to be involved in that kind of music.”

Okay; I mean there is such a thing as "National Socialist Black Metal", so it's not like you can NEVER say metal heads can be involved in hate groups. But - and call me optimistic if you wish - I'm thinking if I pointed to a guy wearing a Marduk t-shirt and said "That guy's a Nazi," and it turned out I was right, you'd best starting calling me Jesus, because that was a miracle. Telling me a Neo-Nazi listened to heavy metal is about as relevant to me as telling me a school shooter played video games. Lots of people do. Again; this is common.
She goes on to say this entry should be taken within the context of the list. That's fine, but so far the list has consisted of things I would expect from a healthily emotional and edgy teen. The context matters little. You have given us nothing useful. 

"Stereotyping and scapegoating of certain groups; name calling, racial and religious slurs in conversation at all times."

This is better. But again; I was a teenager once. Even now if I knew it would shock my mother to walk into her house dressed in an SS outfit, singing "Tomorrow Belongs to Me", I would absolutely do it. I know it wont now because my mother is practically numb to my bullshit these days. 

I have to ask though - knowing these people as I do - are white people included in "certain groups"? How about Christians when it comes to religious slurs? Something tells me they aren't - call me pessimistic if you will.

"Making racist or bigoted comments about minorities, immigrants or foreigners."

You kind of already covered this. But what counts as racist or bigoted? Is my son going to get tackled if he asks why the Polish guy at Subway doesn't learn to speak English? 

"A marked repugnance to consider certain ethnic or religious groups as fully Canadian or even human."

I feel like we're repeating ourselves here. Though I do enjoy the thought of a Canadian Supremacist.

"Wearing or displaying Nazi propaganda and symbols such as swastikas or the Iron Cross and/or military clothing and paraphernalia."

Where is your teenager getting all this stuff? Ebay? My grandfather's cupboard (From all the Nazis he killed of course..... Yup)? Besides, why just Nazi paraphernalia? Why not Soviet paraphernalia? What if your child has a huge picture of Mao hanging over his bed? Nazis weren't the only group that killed millions of people you know. 

To be fair, the last four (or technically two, since three of them were basically the same thing) haven't been that bad. But then we get to the next one....

"Changing their appearance."

.... and we're back in the land of the vague and/or commonplace. Which is pretty much what makes up most of this list. There are few decent ones clumped together near the bottom but again, those could have been whittled down to one entry, and they're things you'd probably take note of anyway without help of a shitty Canadian police department. 

It sort of reminds of that godawful "Right Wing Extremism" game that the Bedfordshire Police released, in which you meet a guy at the gym, go out for some drinks without any indication of anything nefarious going on, and then accidentally end up kicking a black man to death. Or in other words; Shia Laboeuf's regular Saturday night. 

Look, I know a lot of this is coming out of good intentions (Hell does have a new dual carriageway after all). I mean people are joining weird groups left, right and center these days. The Alt-Right, Antifa, the Furries.... but scaremongering with vague bullshit like this isn't going to help. You don't want your police departments acting off of the same "if it breathes it's a Nazi" type instincts as Anti-Fail does. 

But I also know a lot of this is not coming from good intentions. Far from it. 

A lot of this is coming from ideological superiority. And when one doesn't accept it with open arms, then one becomes the enemy. 

These people can't create, you see. And when you can't create, you infect. And when you can't infect, you smear. So these days if you're a metal head you're a Nazi. If you're a gamer you're a misogynist. And if you think Marvel sucks ever since they caught the Social Justice STI then (FEMINIST PROPAGANDA. CASUAL MISANDRY. UNSOLOCITED OPINIONS ON THE WAY MEN SIT ON TRAINS?). 

There's still hope though. Those of us on the anti-authoritarian side (because really, it isn't left or right, it's authoritarian and libertarian) can create. We don't have to infect or smear. So to those of you who are out there creating; whether you be an artist, a writer, a musician, a film-maker, or just some nerd coming up with a new D&D campaign - keep doing what you're doing, and don't anyone - left or right - try to stop you. 

And quite frankly.... I can't wait until Antifa tries to crash a metal show. 

God willing it's a Danzig concert.

Addendum: 

The other reason this is stupid is because you absolutely WILL have people take this sort of thing as gospel, and will suddenly start believe their kids are Nazis because they listen to Slipknot (when in reality the only harm listening to Slipknot does is on the person listening to Slipknot). And remember, it's okay to punch and harm 'Nazis' according to these people.

Also to be remembered; stories about gay and trans kids being chucked out and/or disowned by their parents. Don't think this sort of behavior is relegated only to evangelical Christians.

Now obviously being a conservative (or in my case, a Classical Liberal) is not the same as being gay or trans. But I can honestly see nutcase leftist parents making assumptions about the music (or any media) their child consumes, or taking action for their child merely holding some conservative viewpoints.

I know this sounds a little heavy and perhaps even paranoid; but honestly, people can be insane. Left, Right, Religious, Non-Religious.... There are people who, as far as I can tell, have no political affiliations who have sent their teenagers, against their will, to camps for "troubled teens," simply for looking or thinking differently. These camps are not necessarily religious either. 

Bottom line: A kid listening to 'heavy music' is no more an indication of being in a hate group than a kid reading the Quran is any indication of them being an ISIS supporter. There are more accurate signs that one should be focusing on.

Like losing the only war they ever fought and yet still thinking they're superior.

Atomic Blonde (A.K.A. Neon Lezzers in Commie Town)

Well, on paper this should have worked. Cold War spy movie, set in communist East Germany, 80s aesthetic and soundtrack, martial arts fight scenes, lesbian French woman (A.K.A. A French Woman), John Goodman - consider my nipples hard and my interest piqued. I mean 80s retro is starting to go the way of tamagotchis and Bryan Cranston in terms of cultural fads but maybe they can shoehorn this one in before it goes down like a zeppelin carrying Adele....

... and her backing band. Anyways this looked good, it sounded good, and - as I only found out upon reading the opening credits - it's based on a graphic novel called "Coldest City" by Antony Johnston. Though I'll admit, the only thing of his I've read happens to be an Avatar adaptation of Alan Moore's short Cthulhu Mythos story "The Courtyard"; an excellent piece of work and - as it happens - the single decent Moore CM story I've read. Mainly due to it not containing images of fish men ejaculating.

Yes this happened. And yes, I realize some of you are aroused right now.

But I haven't read the comic so I'm unable to comment on it. Though I will say "Coldest City" is a far better title than "Atomic Blonde". The first title gives off a better impression of the depressive and oppressive atmosphere of pre-89 East Berlin. The second says nothing and is probably false advertising since at no point is Charlize Theron dropped on a Japanese city. And it was too bad she wasn't because then we might have gotten her to emote somewhat.

Yes, here Charlize Theron channels her inner Scarlet Johansson; cold, aloof, humorless and generally a chore of slave labour proportions to watch. I'm not sure if this new tendency to make female characters stoic, unrelatable, sociopaths with the personality of a dismembered mall mannequin is a rising trend or not but it needs to die. If I wanted to look at barely human waifs in unconvincing wigs attempting vainly to replicate human speech and emotions then I'd visit a Japanese robotics lab.

Or a Goth club. Look I understand she's playing what is essentially an assassin, and has probably killed many people. But so has Charles Manson and I think we can all agree that he has maintained a colorful personality.

So basically Charlize Theron plays Lorraine Broughton, an MI6 field agent tasked with going to East Berlin and retrieving a list containing the names of every clandestine agent in the Soviet Union's employ. Pretty simple, almost to the point of being standard, but hey, I can deal with it. What gets my back up mostly is that almost from the outset it manages to make me hate an 80s soundtrack. For me that's like getting Eli Roth to give a fuck.

This is the problem with doing 80s retro style movies. You either have to go over-the-top ridiculous - a la "Manborg" or "Kung Fury" - or subtle to the point of it almost not mattering - a la "Stranger Things", which I still haven't finished because, despite it's overall quality, each episode drags on longer than Clint Eastwood's nutsack on a nudist beach.

Anywhere in between and you end up with "Atomic Blonde", a movie that tries so hard to be '80s' that it ends up being both anything but and annoyingly so. I love 80s pop, rock and metal but if you forcibly cram it in my ear every few minutes yelling tearfully, "SEE? THIS IS THE 80s!", I leave unconvinced, deaf, and probably a murderer. I'm sorry, I can't get over how overbearing this soundtrack is. It's like the movie is a companion to the OST rather than the OST being a companion to the movie. As for the content of the soundtrack, I can't really complain - it's 80s music. However it does contain a morose, almost Placebo-esque rendition of Nena's "99 Red Balloons"; before hearing which I didn't realize it was possible to sedate one's eardrums, but there you have it.

All this would probably be forgivable if the film was in any way comprehensible. It's paced at the speed of Biggie Smalls' decomposition and makes little to no effort to pull you in with anything other than the aforementioned soundtrack. As a result it's like watching dolls being mashed together by a lobotomized two year old. There's no reason to care about anyone because you don't know what the hell's going on and not one character makes you want to care.

Oh and the villains are shit by the way. Almost none of them display any memorability. (SPOILER ALERT) There's one scene where a bunch of guys line up some punks in an alleyway and interrogate them on the whereabouts of... someone (Shut up! I pay attention!). The main bad guy, who looks pretty much like everyone else, beats one of the them to death with a skateboard (END SPOILER). Now despite how easy to remember that scene was, I honestly couldn't tell you when I saw that guy again. I probably did. I undoubtedly did. But I don't remember at all. Not a single one of them displayed any unique traits or personalities that would have kept me interested. Closest I can think of is the big blonde guy who featured primarily in the best sequence in the film; a sequence involving a "one take" fight scene (another fad which I fear is going to end up being done to death eventually) in which this dude just will not die.

Why is it the best sequence? Well despite the generally decent martial arts choreography, it was the only part of the film I could follow. Again, this film's plot is pretty simple but they managed to make it complicated.

The only other vaguely memorable character I can think of is the aforementioned French lesbian girl who was apparently added in while Theron was "thinking about how do you make this different from other spy movies".

I suppose sucking wasn't enough. This film needed to lick as well (Ba dum tish!).

And realistically she's only memorable due to her death mostly being a result of her immense stupidity.

SPOILER:

(French Lezzer is being strangled. Gun on the bed in front of her. She reaches for it but can't get it.)

ME IN CINEMA: It's on top of the covers, love. Pull the covers towards you and it will bring the gun with them.

FL: (Choking sounds.)

ME: This is not hard. There is a way out of this. Just pull the covers....

FL: (Dies.)

ME:

END SPOILER:

I wanted to like this film but I just couldn't. The scenes and aesthetic seem so uniform that I feel like I'm watching the same scene over and over again. I dread to think what this film's budget for neon lighting was. Can anyone tell me if it was typical of European flats to have the walls lined with rave-standard glow sticks? Those communists. They can't give everyone food but they sure can provide stylish interior lighting. Speaking of communism, they try really hard to align this whole story with the fall of the Berlin Wall (Also known as the "Anti-Fascist Protection Wall - not kidding) by mashing old news footage into your face every now and then as if it thinks you've forgotten where and when the film is set, which - shockingly - doesn't work. When you treat your audience like they have Alzheimer's then do not expect a positive reaction.

Beyond that this movie has a serious case of "music-video-itis." It seriously resembles a music video more often than it does a movie a lot of the time and obviously that's not what I came to see. 

So let's see; incomprehensible story, overbearing soundtrack, shit villains, characters that are barely there - this got mostly positive reviews didn't it....?

   

I've actually seen people compare this movie to the "John Wick" films, to the point even that a crossover has been suggested at some point. But I have to counter this. Whilst I'm not a fan of the first JW movie, I AM a fan of the second; and whilst that movie suffers from a bland lead performance like this one does, it made up for it by almost everything else being fucking awesome. Imaginative action scenes, a plot that's easily followed, memorable bad guys and assassins, and side characters that were actually fun to watch. And as much as I think the first JW film is flawed and overrated, it at least had ideas and a world that I thought would be interesting to see more of.

This, however, didn't pull me in at all. It got to a point where I was just waiting for it to end (which it could have many times, but kept going). A bit like this review.

So in conclusion: watch John Wick Chapter 2. Don't bother with this shit. They got John Goodman and did fuck all with him. That's a sin in and of itself.

I saw him kill a movie with a keyboard. A... fucking.... KEYBOARD!

Two Hours of My Life: Divergent (A.K.A. Revenge of the Nerds V)

Sigh. Another day, another misguided teen movie saga. Let's go.

1:33 - Jesus Christ does this have to be two and a half hours long? When you're heading into Kurasawa film length territory with your teen oppression fantasy I think it may be time to make use of the editor. Your target audience's brains haven't fully developed and you're expecting them to sit for 140 minutes NOT browsing Facebook. 

4:32 - No sooner am I delivered a soulless voice over describing to me the trite way in which this world works, do I remember that Ashley Judd is in this film; which makes me think that the narrator wasn't the only person on set that they had to pump full of thorazine.

If we can get through this movie without evoking the messy part of her womanhood I will call that a win.

12:13 - So our main character, Beatrice ('Tris'), lives in a futuristic world where people are split up into different personality factions. This is apparently meant to create peace in the aftermath of some great war. Beatrice is part of the "Abnegation" faction who are basically Amish people who live in grey boxes and help the poor (or "Factionless"). The others are "Erudite" who are the Nerds, "Candor" who are the School Snitches, "Amity" who are those weird kids who sit at the back of the class and draw pictures of their class mates being murdered to get out the aggression, and "Dauntless" who are the Jocks who spend most of their time sprinting down streets and shouting incoherently. 

Whoever thought operating a society like an American High School would keep the peace has clearly never seen "Heathers", but I digress.

Point is in order to split everyone into the appropriate factions they force teenagers to trip their nuts off on Blue WKD which, to be honest, is probably what they would have done anyway. At which point the hallucinations would tell you what faction you're supposed to be in. It's a bit like the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter as written by Irvine Welsh. 

Choose Candor. Choose Dauntless. Choose a fucking big TV....

As is customary in these types of stories, it turns out this blank slate of a girl is somehow one in a million, because she belongs in all of them, and none of them. So far the only traits this girl displays is that of a freshly taxidermied rabbit so, hey, maybe the test is on to something.  

16:38 - Take a drink as another trope of these films rears it's dopey head. Dull, melancholic modern synth music, designed solely to try and inject more gravitas into this film than it deserves. In the mean time I have to ask; if the kids, after having chased the state sanctioned dragon, are then allowed to go and choose which faction they go into, what the hell is the point of the test? I know, it's meant to tell you which one to choose but it clearly doesn't stop you from choosing another faction, and nor does anyone in the authorities. Which will result in....

21:19 - This sheepish, woodland fairy of a girl choosing the warrior clan. Tell me how does this system account for Dunning-Kruger? Am I overthinking this? I probably am aren't I?

And I think we all know why Ashley Judd has that ashen look on her face.

32:14 - So we're now at the Jock HQ and we've been introduced to our clear love interest and male lead, "Four", a man who must get very confused whenever he walks past a golf course (sorry). And following in the footsteps of "Twilight", he is a stony-faced, unlikable wanker. So naturally our girl is drawn to him like Bill Clinton to a fat intern.

49:08 - It seems to me that with Jai Courtenay (top of the pile in Hollywood's evil, neanderthilic "badass" collection), his character's sole purpose is to repeat that scene from "Starship Troopers" where Clancy Brown throws a knife into a recruit's hand, over and over again until the fact that he is an abusive, insecure prick with something to prove is seared into each and every audience member's brain like a tumour scar. There should be a certain amount of fear and suspense whenever the guy shows up but after a while you realize it's pretty much par for the course.

Please fear.

1:01:57 - Okay, firstly this is the second time we've had a close up shot of Four basically molesting the teenaged girl in his care. I know it's meant to be romantic but then so was Edward Cullen sitting and watching Bella sleep outside her bedroom window. In real life both get you headlines in the Daily Mail. 

Secondly; they're now engaging in "War Games" where they use non-lethal projectile weapons with darts that simulate the pain of a gunshot wound. As a paintball player it offends me that they are not wearing appropriate eye protection. These darts are clearly travelling faster than 200ft p/s and therefore could easily take out an eye or teeth. Do you want to end up like Ant in Byker Grove? DO YOU?

1:05:22 - Who made this zipline? Why is the break cord located approximately 800 miles behind her making it dangerously difficult to reach? Why does the zipline end at a brick fucking wall? How many people have died needlessly doing this? Who chose this soundtrack? What's happening? Where am I? 

1:09:48 - Young people everywhere, heed my warning: If ever you find yourself pulled into a hidden corner of a dark building by Ashley Judd, run and do not look back. Do not worry about her. Her orderlies will come and take her away as they will be equipped with the appropriate nets, sedatives and restraints. Even if she says she's trying to help you. Even if she says that you are "Divergent", that your mind works in a million different ways and that you are the bestest girl everest and all the other girls want to be you. Do not trust her. If the government is after her, it's for a reason.

1:13:49 - So after Four gently caresses his student's hair and drugs her into unconsciousness like a good and respectable teacher, Beatrice dives headlong into the ocean of her nightmares. This is where she will face her worst fears, test her mettle and prove herself worthy of wearing a leather jacket and running around yelling like a dick. And what might her worst fear be?

Crows. Her worst fear is Crows.

Luckily Tris is a Mary Sue... I mean... "Divergent", which means she's able to get out of the nightmare by realizing it's just a nightmare, leading me to my second "Trainspotting" reference.

Tris wakes up, presumably to find Four quickly zipping up his trousers (deleted shot).

1:25:39 - So from our journeys into Tris' mind we gather that her main fears are being attacked by feral creatures, being separated from her friends and drowning. From this I gather that she is a relatively normal human being with average depths of personality, and not the all important messiah the movie is trying to convince me she is. After almost getting killed by some of her peers and being saved by Four, the film gets back to its gag inducing romantic subplot.

Is it me or are movie romances getting weirder? We've got teacher/student, stalker/stalkee, necrophilia, bestiality. And it's all being marketed to barely adolescent girls. There are porn companies who wouldn't delve into some of this shit and here it is, rated '12A' and entertaining your daughters. Wake up people! This is the degeneracy the Alt-Right keeps harping on about! 

1:50:21 - Okay, I've been holding out. I know, how could I?

Basically there's a subplot about how the Nerds want to take over the governing of their society from the Amish. To do this they start off by spreading rumours that the Amish leader, Marcus, likes to beat his son. As it happens, Four is his son, and it's true, because the Nerds are smart and they know that if you're going to smear someone then make sure what you're saying is actually true Wall Street Journal.

But now that Tris is fully Jock, and is also now Four's official squeeze (vomits), the Nerds inject all of the Jocks with some sort of mind control serum, claiming it's a tracker. Of course Tris is super awesome and so it doesn't work on her or Four and they find themselves in the middle of a full blown Kristallnacht against the Amish, which I'm guessing must have really triggered Ashley Judd because she isn't here at the moment.

What strikes me is that I quite simply don't care about any of this.

1:52:34 - Holy shit, Ashley Judd's back and some madman gave her a gun. Country on lockdown, full terror alert. It's no use. We're going to have to nuke her. It's for the greater good, damn it!

2:08:35 - So it turns out Ashley Judd is a Jock turned Amish. Not that any of this matters because some saint disguised as a villain gives her the Old Yeller treatment soon after this revelation. On the way back to the Jock emporium we now have our Dream Team: Two old Amish men and a Nerd. Kate Winslet beware; you will be subject to mathematics and home-made butter based justice. Of course her father bites it because the only thing he knows how to shoot is a cow's udder.

But enough about this film's other romantic subplot. Eventually she comes across Four, who is now fully under mind control, and who takes their already questionable relationship to all new dysfunctional heights by beating her until she pulls a Bud Dwyer and turns the gun on herself. This prompts an emotional response, making the list of things that can be saved by love so far "Marriages", "Zombie Apocalypses" and now, totalitarian dictatorships. Suck on that, German Resistance.

Shit love stories! Mein only weakness!

Ultimately the villain's main mistake was; despite the fact that she has numerous controlled warriors to choose from, she decided that her last line of defense was going to be a few angry looking Nerds. After defeating the barrage of pocket protectors and D10s hurled at them Tris and Four manage to shut down the program, thereby saving the Amish from the zombie Jocks. And all in time for Prom too.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is actually the second time I've watched this, and even without pausing it every now and then to write bullshit in the blog it was still plodding, po-faced and pretentious. Not quite as dull and self-important as "Twilight", but not even as interesting as "The Hunger Games" - which it seems to steal its ideas from. Society split up into factions with different skills and industries, pitting teens against one another for societal worth, trains being the main mode of transport in the future. Not that those were all original in The Hunger Games either, but there's clear derivation here.

Ultimately it's another movie where the main character is essentially a blank slate for teenage girls to project themselves on to, like a glorified Mills & Boon character. If that's what you enjoy then have fun but it's not really great cinema.

Let's just be happy Ashley Judd can no longer hurt anyone.