Underwater (2020) Review - SPOILERS

I only just watched this the night before writing this and given the film's main antagonist (if you could even call him that) I felt I had to comment.

I am what you would consider a medium sized fan of H.P Lovecraft's 'Cthulhu Mythos'. I've read a fair few of the most famous stories; 'Call of Cthulhu' of course, a titan of 20th century horror literature; 'The Dunwich Horror', not too far behind CoC in it's inimitable status (and hopefully to be adapted by Richard Stanley soon); 'Dagon', the quintessential Lovecraft tale; and of course 'The Shadow Over Innsmouth', perhaps the most adapted and imitated of Lovecraft's stories, at one point even made into the video game 'Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth', a game so nerve wracking I've yet to pick it up again since I was chased through a hotel by gangs of hammer wielding, bug-eyed fish men with only book cases to defend myself with. 

Video evidence of the reason AR-15s with chainsaw attachments should be considered a human right. 

I heard of the film 'Underwater' starring Kristen Stewart a while ago and despite my love for horror in isolated spaces (John Carpenter's The Thing, Alien, Event Horizon, Prince of Darkness) my interest in this was pretty flaccid. I'd already gone through the derivative 'Life' starring Jake Gyllenhaal a little while before and with a similarly banal title like 'Underwater' I expected little of anything different. 

Seriously though, what is it movies nowadays with boring, unimaginative titles? 'Life', 'Spy', 'Underwater'. Yes, the film is set underwater, very good. It's like if 'Dead Calm' called itself 'Boat' Have we actually gotten to the point where we have to make use of generic, monosyllabic titles to describe our thinly veiled rehashes of older movies? I imagine in the future we'll be going to see 'Ubiquitous Marvel Film #3467' in our grey jump suits, shoveling down mouthfuls of energy depleting government issue gruel. Mark my words, this is the first step towards NPC cinema. 

....

So anyways I decided to rent the film from Amazon Prime and it's because I happened to find out who the main threat of the film was and no it wasn't Kristen Stewart's pronouns.

It's SIR to you, shitlord.

As you've no doubt gleaned from my second paragraph - the film's antagonist is Cthulhu. Yes, I'm not kidding. Not something that looks sort of like Cthulhu or some homage, it's actually Cthulhu. And he looks good. Clearly he's been working out, what with the lockdown and all. But try to imagine this for a second, because I know it will be hard for you.

Imagine making a movie with Cthulhu; Heavy C, Grand Master Octo-Dragon Man, Mr Insane in the Cosmic Membrane Nightmare Tentacles himself... and doing almost nothing with him.

I know, it's incomprehensible to you. For once we have a mainstream movie that portrays Cthulhu as anything more than an ironic punchline for literature-bereft hipster nerds and they do pretty much nothing with him. He's just there. He roars a little. That's about it. And before anyone gives me shit for being annoyed that Cthulhu didn't snap up T.J Miller and eat him like a chocolate bar (although that would have increased the film's quality exponentially) that's not my problem. I find it more problematic that Kristen Stewart's character was able to look upon the Kraken of Dreams without her brain melting and oozing out of her pale skinny ass like the slugs from 'Dreamcatcher'. Yeah, remember that movie? Well I fucking referenced it. How about that, huh? 

*Fart. Plop*

As it happens her ass is probably the most appealing thing about this movie. It starts off with Kristen Stewart's character, Norah, delivering a morose narration about how there's a comfort in cynicism and how her career as an Annie Lennox tribute act never really took off. Shortly afterward the underwater research and drilling facility she's in (what in fact they are researching and drilling for is never brought up) starts to fall apart due to what initially appears to be an underwater earthquake. SPOILER: They soon realize that they busted in on Cthulhu having a wank and now he mad AF.  

So what's the problem? Sounds like your kind of movie, GLENN. Why you gotta be so picky, HUH? What did you do with my daughter's body, MONSTER?

All valid questions. My problem is mostly that, like 'Life', it's a generic horror film that's derivative of the aforementioned 'Alien' and 'Event Horizon' type films that had their own ideas and actually made use of them in some memorable way. Not only that, in this generic horror film, they decided to use one of the towering horror icons of the 20th century and then proceed to not use him in any way shape or form. It goes through the motions. They walk around in the dark, get chased by Deep Ones (basically Fish-Apes), T.J Miller says something ironic while playing with his stuffed rabbit toy.... Wait, why did he have that? What was that about? Nobody says anything about it. It's never explained. Was it just there to make his character more quirky? At least Nicolas Cage in 'Con Air' had a reason. 

  
Point is there's nothing original here and given that they have no ideas that relate in any way to the Cthulhu Mythos, it makes me think that the writers are cursorily aware of Cthulhu but have no real idea as to what he actually is or what he does. Personally I was hoping for scenes where Norah's friends and colleagues slowly start going insane, engaging in ritual behaviour and start becoming Cthulhu worshipers, carving weird symbols into their skin and sexually assaulting each other in pools of briny slime. That would have been cool. A Cthulhu cult in a vaguely sci-fi underwater setting.

But we didn't get that. We got a rehash of a hundred other modern horror flicks that just happens to have Squid-head Schwarzenegger in it. Eventually I just resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't going to get what I wanted and started waiting for the moment Norah got Cthulhu cancelled for something mildly racist he said about Shoggoths around 10,000 years ago. 

Didn't even get that either. Just another needless, dreary narration.

Overall Quality Rating - 2.5/5

Whilst the film never truly makes proper use of the idea of humans stumbling upon Cthulhu in the process of vague corporate bullshit, its direction is solid and it does manage to create an isolated and claustrophobic atmosphere with the environments and cinematography. This is probably helped by the fact that I have a fear of drowning and quite frankly FUCK the deep sea. 

Look at that. That's not CGI, that's fucking real. There ought to be a fucking law. Yet further argument that the 2nd Amendment should be expanded to include amphibious tanks and underwater adaptable mini-nukes. 

Aside from that your characters are largely unmemorable and Stewart continues her dead eyed acting technique from the 'Twilight' films. T.J Miller is the Ryan Reynolds of the crew, providing comic relief and Jessica Henwick (Colleen Wing in 'Iron Fist', and I'm sure she regrets that every day) does some decent work here and provides some eye-candy for my East-Asian fetishizing peepers. 

Idiot Rating - 1/5

Unfortunately I can't even recommend this for the sake of unintentional hilarity. The film takes itself uber-seriously beyond T.J Miller's quips and little in the way of ridiculous events occurs. Look elsewhere. 

Ultimately what this film sorely needed was Sam Neil screaming at things. 

I'm DeadEye, and your daughter's body tasted delicious. 
    

Triple Horror Feature Round Up - Summer Camp, An American Haunting, In the Tall Grass

I can't go to the shops. People are tearing down statues and looting stores to bring about the utopia where slavery, racism and local enterprise no longer exist, you can't walk your dog in the country without a drone-copter asking for your Walking in the Middle of Fucking Nowhere Loicense, corporations are lecturing me about black lives mattering as they underpay their third world labour and my government is telling me to "STAY ALERT" in case I'm walking down the street and get mugged by a microbe.

In short, everything is shit. 

So what better way to purge ourselves of the horrors of the modern world than by bathing in the horrors of modern cinema? Since everything's either closed, on fire or some combination of the two, I decided to watch a few horror films on Netflix and Amazon Prime before that is suddenly declared racist. 

In the mean time I'd like to introduce a new system of reviewing that I will be implementing from now on. Normally I comment on a film's overall quality. Well now not only will I do that, I will also be giving each film what I like to call an "Idiot Rating".

It's simple. Sometimes bad movies have entertaining moments, usually of an unintentionally hilarious variety. These are what I and my friends like to refer to as "Idiot Moments"; and movies that have a high level of such moments we refer to as "Idiot Movies."

So at the end of each review I will give an overall quality rating from 1 to 5. I will also be laying down an "Idiot Rating". Whilst I strongly suspect that mostly movies with low overall quality scores will have a high Idiot Score, I believe it is entirely possible to have a film with a high overall quality score and a high idiot rating (e.g 'Evil Dead 2', 'Face/Off', Anything with Nicolas Cage, etc).  

So let's get on with it.



Summer Camp - Alberto Marini (2015)

I remember when zombies were everywhere. Not the slow-moving, satirically minded George Romero zombies. The 28 Days Later style rage zombies that would sprint at you like Kenyan Olympians and slap you to death like a drunken Glasgow slag. Romero zombies were for pussies, my friend. None of this ruminating on the human condition or societal issues like the raycistism or the consoomertism. Our rage zombies will eat your face off, shit your face into your face and then make you shit your own face. That's how unremittingly bad-ass and scary as fuck newfangled zombies are. They were everywhere and they were coming for your balls. 

So it's somewhat surprising that this little gem flew under my radar; and by gem I mean that if it were possible to literally laugh my tits off then I would have done it multiple times over the course of this film. 

Will, Christy, Michelle and Antonio are a group of young American camp counselors who are working at a summer camp in Spain. Whilst spending the night in the old mansion where the camp is located they find themselves having to deal with a mysterious rage type virus that begins to infect them one by one. 

Simple enough concept, and it's produced by Jaume Balaguero; well known for directing the '[REC]' series of found footage zombie films. Plus there's a bit of a twist, as unlike other zombie films the virus runs its course and wears off rather quickly, leaving the victim confused but otherwise unharmed and with no knowledge of their prior actions. Interesting enough idea. One could arguably envision a sequence of events similar to John Carpenter's 'The Thing'. Each character becomes suspicious of one another, not knowing how they're being infected, when they could be infected or indeed who is infected at any given time before it's too late.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) that's not what happens. Instead of taking advantage of the unique nature of the virus to create suspense and mystery, it results in absolute hilarity. The film plays out more like a comedy, with characters often sneaking up on and severely wounding others in ridiculous ways whilst under the impression that they are still infected. From the moment Will kills Antonio in self defense and the girls flee, having branded Will a murderer, the film is a complete farce. Everything just seems to go wrong in the funniest way possible. The amount of times Will is hurt in the process of trying to protect the girls (often by the girls) almost reaches running gag territory.

Press F

There's one scene where Michelle throws her mobile phone as it starts ringing in order to lure a now zombified Will away. Unbeknownst to her, Christy is also hiding nearby and the phone lands directly next to her, leading Will in her direction. And the ending... good lord almighty the ending is classic. If this film were a comedy I would actually be praising it for it's superb set-up for the final fuck you punchline. 

The thing is the film seems to take itself entirely seriously despite all this. Which only makes it funnier.

Overall Quality Rating - 2.5/5

Is it a complete disaster? No. The setting is quite cool, the production value is high and the actors do a pretty decent job beyond snarling like idiots. The characters are likable enough, although Will is really the only one who inspires true sympathy throughout the film. Having said that, it fails to do anything truly unique with the idea of the virus and its comedic nature, whether intentional or not, scuppers its chances of satisfying horror fans or creating a suspenseful atmosphere.

Idiot Rating - 3.5/5

There's some golden moments in this film. It plays out like an episode of Fawlty Towers where Basil Fawlty is replaced with rage zombies. Misunderstandings, hilarious zombie roars and slapstick violence abound, making this a film that I would probably watch again with friends round for a laugh. Recommended as such. 


An American Haunting - Courtney Solomon (2005)

Let's all be perfectly honest with ourselves: Haunted House movies are all the fucking same. Every last one of them. I'm not saying there aren't any good ones or that some don't have any unique elements. But when you get down to the basics, they're the fucking same. Middle class white family moves into new home, things are amiss, stuff moves by itself, the youngest kid starts making creepy drawings of entire families being massacred, the walls bleed, sometimes the dog dies and the father slowly goes insane before chasing everyone around with an axe. Basically "The Amityville Horror". 

BART, YOU WANNA SEE MY BRAND NEW HOBO BEARD AND WOOD AXE!?

And there's a lot of offenders out there; 'Insidious', 'The Conjuring', 'Sinister' - at this point there's only two ways to show me a haunted house film and not have me totally flaccid in seconds: 1. That movie's name is 'The Shining' or 2. It's a 100% full on Idiot Movie. In terms of the latter, 'An American Haunting' almost fits the bill. 

The film begins with a teenage girl running through the woods in terror, presumably to try and escape the over the top and frankly hysterical orchestral music that booms out at us from the get go. Upon awaking screaming from her dream her mother calms her down, retreats back into her study and takes a swig out of a bottle of Absolut Vodka; and I have to say, that has to be one of the finest examples of product placement I have ever seen. 

"This woman has an alcohol problem brought on by her daughter's violent nightmares and behavioural problems. Buy Absolut Vodka."

So upon sitting back down at her desk the mother pulls out an old note written by a teacher from over a hundred years ago... for some reason, and begins to read, sending us back in time to the 19th century. After a saccharine introduction to the Bell family, particularly the daughter of the family, Betsy, we're treated to a church court case where John Bell Sr (played by Donald Sutherland) is found guilty of Usury in a case against a local harridan by the name of Kathe Batts. His punishment is not enough for Batts however as she swears revenge on him. Afterwards the Bell family suffer some of the funniest poltergeist activity ever committed to film, most of it focused on Betsy.

The film is based on a novel which itself is based on the "Bell Witch" legend. Much like 'Summer Camp', it takes itself fairly seriously. It pulls off a fairly convincing 18th century setting and the performances are decent, mostly that of veteran actors Donald Sutherland and Sissy Spacek. But again, much like 'Summer Camp', unintentional comedy rears its head. The film switches jarringly from tacky period gothic drama to slapstick Sam Raimi-esque comedy horror. In fact, when I say Sam Raimi I mean I am almost convinced that they paid Sam Raimi to film the poltergeist scenes and just didn't bother to tell anyone.

        
There is literally a moment in the film where we watch a POV shot from the entity fly around the house manically and then shoot across the land 'Evil Dead' style with a Danny Elfman rip-off soundtrack being sledgehammered into your ear drums throughout the whole sequence. Between the period setting and utterly deranged horror scenes on display in this film it seems to owe more to 'Drag Me To Hell' than it does Hammer Horror, only without the sense of humour to back up either conceit. At any point where this film manages to build up an atmosphere, it shits the bed and treats us to Betsy suddenly sitting up and screaming directly into the camera for full on clown horror effect.  

As for the story itself, for the fact that the story is based on the Bell Witch legend we end up with a hell of a lot of Sam Raimi rip-off scenes and flat zero anything to do with witches. Other than of course Kathe Batts who, as it turns out, has fuck all to do with anything. The framing device (the Absolut Vodka loving mother from the start of the film) adds nothing to the story other than to provide a "chilling" moment of realization about her daughter which honestly comes off tacked on and a leap of logic for the character.  

Let's not forget the frequent fake outs where we're led to believe we're watching an actual event only to find out, nope, it's a dream. This makes the latter act of the film not only confusing, but boring to watch. 

Overall Quality Rating - 1.5/5

I'll give it the extra .5 for it being an After Dark film that didn't look like complete arse in terms of its setting and for having Sutherland and Spacek, but generally this was weak. The dialogue ranges from banal to vomit inducing and the story starts off mediocre and ends up confusing. Run time is also extended by a useless framing device.

Idiot Rating - 4/5

Where this film fails in overall quality it largely makes up for it in pure idiot moments. The amount of ridiculous slapstick poltergeist activity in the this film would make Bruce Campbell present his chin with pride. For haunted house silliness, recommended. 


In The Tall Grass - Vincenzo Natali (2019)

I personally enjoy Stephen King's work, as relatively little of it as I've read. I even enjoy the bad stuff, like 'Cell', 'The Mangler' or the things he tweets on any given day. The guy writes so much that he's just as likely to shit out a turd as he is to paint a masterpiece. Adding the 'Netflix Original' stamp to all that - usually a death knell in and of itself - you have a high potential for disaster. Thankfully this is not so with 'In the Tall Grass'.

This is probably largely to do with writer/director Vincenzo Natali, director of the cult classic 90s sci-fi horror film 'Cube' (and if you haven't watched 'Cube', go watch it, it's awesome). The guy brings a visual and atmospheric flair to something which could have easily become another dull, dreary and muted looking Netflix Original movie. 

Based on a novella by King and his son Joe Hill, it starts out following Becky and Cal, a brother and sister on their way to San Diego. They stop off near a large field of tall grass, only to hear a small boy crying for help within. When they step inside to help they find themselves not only unable to find each other, but their way out as well.

Starting off somewhat calm and easy going it doesn't take long for the tension to wrack up. If I have one criticism with the film overall it's that Patrick Wilson's character, Ross, sends up red flags from the moment he shows up. Though that might have less to do with the way the film portrays him at first and more to do with my familiarity with King stories. When I saw him I knew he was this movie's Jack Torrence. But despite the King cliche that he is I can't say I didn't enjoy watching him. Besides, he's basically doing what he did in 'Insidious Chapter 2' (my favourite of the 'Insidious' series) so automatically I was hooked. 

As the film goes on we're thrown a series of weird and often horrific ideas, explaining enough to keep you gripped whilst at the same time keeping much in the dark. In short, it's damn decent horror. Not a masterpiece by any stretch, but definitely the best you'll get hunting among the rotten tall grass that is Netflix's original content. 

Overall Quality Rating - 4/5

Well directed, some fine horror imagery if occasionally marred by some horrible looking green screen night time sky backgrounds (pretty standard for movies nowadays); if you're looking for some decent horror and you happen to have a Netflix account, go for it. You can do far worse.

Idiot Rating - 2/5

There isn't much in the way of Idiot Moments in this film but I'd be remiss to not give a score for Patrick Wilson Jack-Torrence-ing up the proceedings and reminding you that, yes, this is in fact a Stephen King story and yes, he will be inserting a career driven, borderline abusive religious Dad in there whether you like it or not. And for my sins, I do like it. 


So, two recommended for their idiocy, one recommended for quality. Overall a decent line up. As things are I wish you all good health and economic prosperity. We'll get through this.

Also China lied and people died.