Two Hours of My Life: Divergent (A.K.A. Revenge of the Nerds V)

Sigh. Another day, another misguided teen movie saga. Let's go.

1:33 - Jesus Christ does this have to be two and a half hours long? When you're heading into Kurasawa film length territory with your teen oppression fantasy I think it may be time to make use of the editor. Your target audience's brains haven't fully developed and you're expecting them to sit for 140 minutes NOT browsing Facebook. 

4:32 - No sooner am I delivered a soulless voice over describing to me the trite way in which this world works, do I remember that Ashley Judd is in this film; which makes me think that the narrator wasn't the only person on set that they had to pump full of thorazine.

If we can get through this movie without evoking the messy part of her womanhood I will call that a win.

12:13 - So our main character, Beatrice ('Tris'), lives in a futuristic world where people are split up into different personality factions. This is apparently meant to create peace in the aftermath of some great war. Beatrice is part of the "Abnegation" faction who are basically Amish people who live in grey boxes and help the poor (or "Factionless"). The others are "Erudite" who are the Nerds, "Candor" who are the School Snitches, "Amity" who are those weird kids who sit at the back of the class and draw pictures of their class mates being murdered to get out the aggression, and "Dauntless" who are the Jocks who spend most of their time sprinting down streets and shouting incoherently. 

Whoever thought operating a society like an American High School would keep the peace has clearly never seen "Heathers", but I digress.

Point is in order to split everyone into the appropriate factions they force teenagers to trip their nuts off on Blue WKD which, to be honest, is probably what they would have done anyway. At which point the hallucinations would tell you what faction you're supposed to be in. It's a bit like the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter as written by Irvine Welsh. 

Choose Candor. Choose Dauntless. Choose a fucking big TV....

As is customary in these types of stories, it turns out this blank slate of a girl is somehow one in a million, because she belongs in all of them, and none of them. So far the only traits this girl displays is that of a freshly taxidermied rabbit so, hey, maybe the test is on to something.  

16:38 - Take a drink as another trope of these films rears it's dopey head. Dull, melancholic modern synth music, designed solely to try and inject more gravitas into this film than it deserves. In the mean time I have to ask; if the kids, after having chased the state sanctioned dragon, are then allowed to go and choose which faction they go into, what the hell is the point of the test? I know, it's meant to tell you which one to choose but it clearly doesn't stop you from choosing another faction, and nor does anyone in the authorities. Which will result in....

21:19 - This sheepish, woodland fairy of a girl choosing the warrior clan. Tell me how does this system account for Dunning-Kruger? Am I overthinking this? I probably am aren't I?

And I think we all know why Ashley Judd has that ashen look on her face.

32:14 - So we're now at the Jock HQ and we've been introduced to our clear love interest and male lead, "Four", a man who must get very confused whenever he walks past a golf course (sorry). And following in the footsteps of "Twilight", he is a stony-faced, unlikable wanker. So naturally our girl is drawn to him like Bill Clinton to a fat intern.

49:08 - It seems to me that with Jai Courtenay (top of the pile in Hollywood's evil, neanderthilic "badass" collection), his character's sole purpose is to repeat that scene from "Starship Troopers" where Clancy Brown throws a knife into a recruit's hand, over and over again until the fact that he is an abusive, insecure prick with something to prove is seared into each and every audience member's brain like a tumour scar. There should be a certain amount of fear and suspense whenever the guy shows up but after a while you realize it's pretty much par for the course.

Please fear.

1:01:57 - Okay, firstly this is the second time we've had a close up shot of Four basically molesting the teenaged girl in his care. I know it's meant to be romantic but then so was Edward Cullen sitting and watching Bella sleep outside her bedroom window. In real life both get you headlines in the Daily Mail. 

Secondly; they're now engaging in "War Games" where they use non-lethal projectile weapons with darts that simulate the pain of a gunshot wound. As a paintball player it offends me that they are not wearing appropriate eye protection. These darts are clearly travelling faster than 200ft p/s and therefore could easily take out an eye or teeth. Do you want to end up like Ant in Byker Grove? DO YOU?

1:05:22 - Who made this zipline? Why is the break cord located approximately 800 miles behind her making it dangerously difficult to reach? Why does the zipline end at a brick fucking wall? How many people have died needlessly doing this? Who chose this soundtrack? What's happening? Where am I? 

1:09:48 - Young people everywhere, heed my warning: If ever you find yourself pulled into a hidden corner of a dark building by Ashley Judd, run and do not look back. Do not worry about her. Her orderlies will come and take her away as they will be equipped with the appropriate nets, sedatives and restraints. Even if she says she's trying to help you. Even if she says that you are "Divergent", that your mind works in a million different ways and that you are the bestest girl everest and all the other girls want to be you. Do not trust her. If the government is after her, it's for a reason.

1:13:49 - So after Four gently caresses his student's hair and drugs her into unconsciousness like a good and respectable teacher, Beatrice dives headlong into the ocean of her nightmares. This is where she will face her worst fears, test her mettle and prove herself worthy of wearing a leather jacket and running around yelling like a dick. And what might her worst fear be?

Crows. Her worst fear is Crows.

Luckily Tris is a Mary Sue... I mean... "Divergent", which means she's able to get out of the nightmare by realizing it's just a nightmare, leading me to my second "Trainspotting" reference.

Tris wakes up, presumably to find Four quickly zipping up his trousers (deleted shot).

1:25:39 - So from our journeys into Tris' mind we gather that her main fears are being attacked by feral creatures, being separated from her friends and drowning. From this I gather that she is a relatively normal human being with average depths of personality, and not the all important messiah the movie is trying to convince me she is. After almost getting killed by some of her peers and being saved by Four, the film gets back to its gag inducing romantic subplot.

Is it me or are movie romances getting weirder? We've got teacher/student, stalker/stalkee, necrophilia, bestiality. And it's all being marketed to barely adolescent girls. There are porn companies who wouldn't delve into some of this shit and here it is, rated '12A' and entertaining your daughters. Wake up people! This is the degeneracy the Alt-Right keeps harping on about! 

1:50:21 - Okay, I've been holding out. I know, how could I?

Basically there's a subplot about how the Nerds want to take over the governing of their society from the Amish. To do this they start off by spreading rumours that the Amish leader, Marcus, likes to beat his son. As it happens, Four is his son, and it's true, because the Nerds are smart and they know that if you're going to smear someone then make sure what you're saying is actually true Wall Street Journal.

But now that Tris is fully Jock, and is also now Four's official squeeze (vomits), the Nerds inject all of the Jocks with some sort of mind control serum, claiming it's a tracker. Of course Tris is super awesome and so it doesn't work on her or Four and they find themselves in the middle of a full blown Kristallnacht against the Amish, which I'm guessing must have really triggered Ashley Judd because she isn't here at the moment.

What strikes me is that I quite simply don't care about any of this.

1:52:34 - Holy shit, Ashley Judd's back and some madman gave her a gun. Country on lockdown, full terror alert. It's no use. We're going to have to nuke her. It's for the greater good, damn it!

2:08:35 - So it turns out Ashley Judd is a Jock turned Amish. Not that any of this matters because some saint disguised as a villain gives her the Old Yeller treatment soon after this revelation. On the way back to the Jock emporium we now have our Dream Team: Two old Amish men and a Nerd. Kate Winslet beware; you will be subject to mathematics and home-made butter based justice. Of course her father bites it because the only thing he knows how to shoot is a cow's udder.

But enough about this film's other romantic subplot. Eventually she comes across Four, who is now fully under mind control, and who takes their already questionable relationship to all new dysfunctional heights by beating her until she pulls a Bud Dwyer and turns the gun on herself. This prompts an emotional response, making the list of things that can be saved by love so far "Marriages", "Zombie Apocalypses" and now, totalitarian dictatorships. Suck on that, German Resistance.

Shit love stories! Mein only weakness!

Ultimately the villain's main mistake was; despite the fact that she has numerous controlled warriors to choose from, she decided that her last line of defense was going to be a few angry looking Nerds. After defeating the barrage of pocket protectors and D10s hurled at them Tris and Four manage to shut down the program, thereby saving the Amish from the zombie Jocks. And all in time for Prom too.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is actually the second time I've watched this, and even without pausing it every now and then to write bullshit in the blog it was still plodding, po-faced and pretentious. Not quite as dull and self-important as "Twilight", but not even as interesting as "The Hunger Games" - which it seems to steal its ideas from. Society split up into factions with different skills and industries, pitting teens against one another for societal worth, trains being the main mode of transport in the future. Not that those were all original in The Hunger Games either, but there's clear derivation here.

Ultimately it's another movie where the main character is essentially a blank slate for teenage girls to project themselves on to, like a glorified Mills & Boon character. If that's what you enjoy then have fun but it's not really great cinema.

Let's just be happy Ashley Judd can no longer hurt anyone.