So it appears we are at the point of remaking movies that aren't even fifteen, let alone twenty years old. I'll be honest; I didn't even know this was happening. And I spend more time online looking up useless film trivia than I do actually sleeping. Which I'm pretty sure is how Son of Sam got his start.
Well I have to give props to Eli Roth on this one occasion. It was a film that needed to be remade. Admittedly I haven't seen the original in a loooong time but I do remember it being odd as hell and being filled with stupid pricks. I also remember the most interesting thing about the film being the little interview with Roth on the DVD where he explained exactly what it was I just watched, and that Roth's personality and experiences are easily more interesting than any of his films.
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The moment where you know Eli Roth is friends with David Lynch (Not making that up).
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But you know what? I don't actually mind this. The original film was flawed outside of it's interesting little oddities, and the concept of a group of kids being infected with a flesh eating virus out in "Deliverance" county was never a terrible idea for a horror flick. Let's have a go. How bad could it b....?
Every time. Every fucking time.
Oh well. All I know is, if they don't have this scene, then this film's fate was sealed from the beginning.
26 secs: Jesus, look how many people wanted their company's name all over this. Do they KNOW who Eli Roth is? I mean admittedly no one else does but most people aren't running a film studio.
1:25: So apparently the film's director, Travis Z (If ever you wanted to punch someone in the name), used essentially the same script as the original film, only slightly altered. Rendering this whole thing utterly pointless.
This far in, it's pretty much the same except the dead dog at the beginning is named "Pancakes." If you watched the above clip then you'll get the reference, but my reaction is less the recognition one feels for an old friend and more like if one were to go to MacDonalds and be told that the ingredients for the bread have been slightly changed. Either way the cold, bony hand of Death will one day come for us all.
2:09: And now a random homage to The Shining. Helicopter shots of a car, same ominous music. Again, I'm wondering what the point was. In fact; take a drink whenever I say something along the lines of "What was the point?" If you succumb to alcohol poisoning, please notify a loved one before taking the challenge so that they may let me know of your demise, and I may bask in the troubling satisfaction of having taken a life over the internet.
4:38: So our group of walking slaughterhouse meat shows up at a petrol station and spots a young boy wearing a bunny mask, again obviously in reference to the original. One of the vessels the druids chose for sacrifice to the Dark One reacts by saying "Creepy" out loud. Give this man a Coke and a blowjob. Clearly he is the Sherlock Holmes of this group.
The kid then proceeds to bite one of them on the hand. As the father scolds the boy the victim of the bite proclaims loudly that it "wasn't his (the kid's) fault". Clearly the boy slipped and his jaws happened to fall firmly clenched on the hand of the nearest person. Of course our obvious prep school arsehole threatens a lawsuit after referring to the father as "Deliverance". Already I have trouble sympathizing. You can't threaten hillbillies with lawsuits! The last suit they saw was on the body of the government meat inspector they hanged in the woods. Silly city twat!
11:11: So after receiving our dose of foreshadowing from the man selling fox piss at the petrol station, our very own Inspector Morse realizes that out here in the mountains there is no internet, no phone connections, no GTA V or Minecraft. I'm not sure but I think this guy came all the way up here under the impression that he would be able to plug his laptop into a fucking moose. Actually, no, I am 100% sure that is the case.
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| "I tied my phone to a kestrel and let it go but still, nothing!" |
16:28: Stoner Hercule Poirot almost kills his friend with an assault rifle. Apparently no one noticed that he had this thing. It looks designed for desert combat and it's being handled by a man who only just found out how the forest works.
Meanwhile two of our other blank slate characters (whose names I still don't know) have the most mundane conversation of all time, leading up to a romantic swimming scene. I have learned nothing about these characters beyond the fact that apparently, cardboard boxes can procreate.
24:45: Okay, as much as I hate the stoner guy, I have to admit, so far he's the most entertaining part of the movie. It's between his pathetic COD emulations out in the woods and slowly slipping into a coma from the inane interactions between the other characters.
Anyways, we get to the first point in the movie since the beginning that bares any resemblance to the original, and it's probably the most atmospheric scene so far. I have to say that it isn't badly shot. It's nicely staged and lit. Unfortunately it doesn't make up my boredom.
30:15: Our group of ill fated youngsters just set a homeless man on fire.
Now I remember this happened in the original. I don't quite remember how it went down but I don't remember it being quite as stupid. Don't quote me on that. I have the memory of an IPhone photo app. All I can say is that I can't remember any of the characters deliberately shooting out the tyres of their own vehicle, thereby stranding themselves. Also the cabin, in this version anyway, is situated directly adjacent to a lake. Which the immolated hobo runs AWAY from.
To be fair, he is on fire and is most likely not thinking straight. I'm certain if he keeps going, he'll find water eventually. Or as prep school dickhead suggests, "Maybe the rain put him out."
39:00: Okay, old lady gutting a pig in her barn is now the most entertaining part of this film. I care more about this woman's sick hogs than I do about any of the main characters.
44:49: And here we have one of the more key differences between the two films. The deputy officer that shows up at the cabin is played by a woman. I know, not much of a difference but the whole scene plays out pretty much the same, with the deputy constantly referring to "partying". This time however, ominous music plays in the background and I'm not sure why. In the original the music playing in the background was very jazzy, Twin Peaks style stuff, since Angelo Badlamenti, the composer for Twin Peaks (and various other David Lynch works) did some of the soundtrack. And it actually worked better.
Again, I have to ask what was the point of all this? They essentially made the exact same movie with a few minor differences. I know Eli Roth isn't exactly an innovator in the horror field but you'd think he would've found something else to do with the premise after all these years.
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| Or a Cannibal film. Because that shit isn't dated in the slightest. |
51:42: We've gotten to the classic scene where one of the male characters (still don't know any names) starts fingering a girl, only to find that he was in fact fingering an open sore on her thigh. You may think that's bad but I once heard of a guy who fingered a girl's belly button by mistake.
Despite this I am actually bored. Say what you want about the original, but I don't remember it being this fucking boring. This film is paced at the speed of trees.
58:44: Whatwasthepointwhatwasthepointwhatwasthepointwhatwasthepointwhatwasthepoint.
I'm sorry. I needed someone to die for my amusement. Apologies to all who were partaking in the drinking game.
Whatwasthepointwhatwasthepointwhatwasthepoint.....
1:07:45: While two of the characters are shagging for no reason other than to satisfy the actress's contract, let's talk about the fucking dog.
The dog bothered me even in the original. It always seemed like Roth was adding it in as an extra threat because he couldn't figure out any other way to expand the drama around the virus spreading. Here they seemed to have made it so the dog is infected as well but why is it the only animal we see that's infected? Especially since it's clear that the virus is being spread through the water which the animals undoubtedly drink. I would've thought that a river bed covered in infected animal corpses would be a set piece that Roth would love to have taken advantage of.
Ah, they've stopped fucking now. Moving on.
1:12:26: The hillbillies have gone apeshit. Finally! It's what I wanted this whole time!
1:15:07: So we've finally gotten to the redo of the "classic" leg shaving scene. I get the need for grotesque spectacle but I wonder what it was that made her think it would be a good time to shave her legs?
"Oh well. Friend's dying out in the shed, we've all been infected by a flesh eating virus and there's a vicious dog stalking us in the woods nearby. Better break out the old Venus and make my legs silky smooth."
Also the burning homeless man has shown up again. Bursting out of the water like Jason from Friday the 13th. Not sure how long he's been down there, or how he's survived this long with both the virus and the third degree burns. But.... I'm not even sure where I'm going with this.
1:15:38: "IT'S IN THE WATER!"
Bit late pal. Sorry.
1:21:09: First of all, cool it with the music! It doesn't make things better. In fact it makes the whole thing way more dramatic than it needs to be and makes it more ridiculous and hilarious than it already is.
Secondly; fucking hell! Boy Meets World in the original bashed his girl's head in with a rock for the mercy kill. Here he gives her a Glasgow Smile with a fucking shovel and then burns her alive with kerosene and a flare! I mean the rock wasn't ideal but come on!
1:22:29: Wait! He just gave his girlfriend a long painful death by shovel and fire but the whole time the reason he couldn't shoot her and end it quickly was because he had the fucking safety on?!
I have no words.
1:33:09: What? What the hell was...? How does that even work?
So after a little end credits sequence showing all the bodies being bagged up by the CDC we get a post credits scene where a friend of the group's in the city is looking through their photos on Facebook. She then comes across pictures of the blonde girl being killed. Pictures that could not possibly have been taken or uploaded.
The fuck?
Verdict
I wont bother trying to give you a proper comparison to the original because, like I said, I haven't seen it in a long time. I might edit this post at some point in the event that I do. But judging this one on its own merits; Pretty fucking boring.
I wouldn't say it's as bad as the 0% rating on RT would indicate, considering there have only been around 23 reviews at the time of this posting. I imagine that as reviews rack up then the percentage will probably go up as well. But in general this film was pretty boring.
I had no real connection to any of the characters and the film's pacing made me want to fall asleep. Just about everyone in this film is an idiot or a prick, and given that it's made very clear early on that the virus is coming from the water, when that revelation is made it doesn't exactly come off as startling.
Positives? It's nicely shot, and it uses its setting well enough. Some of the weirder aspects (the guy in the rabbit suit for example) have been toned down, making it less jarring and seemingly random. The "PANCAKES" scene is still in there but with 100% less kung fu. You may take that as a positive or a negative.
So overall, pretty crap. But then so was the original if my memory serves me. This is the first Eli Roth film I've seen since Hostel and it always came off to me as though he wanted to put a lot of weird humour in his films but could never implement it properly. It takes a lot of skill to make a film both funny and scary, and I don't think Roth ever had the ability for it. The guy knows how to direct but I don't think he could ever write for shit. Just my two cents.
I must admit though; I remember this making me laugh in the original.
