Triple Feature Horror Round Up : The Woman in Black, The Craft, Upgrade - SPOILERS

No preamble. Let's just get to the fucking point. No I'm not grumpy, you're grumpy.

As always, there will be an Overall Quality Rating, which rates the actual goodness or otherwise of the film; and the Idiot Rating which rates general hilarity. And with that, fuck off down there with you. 

The Woman In Black (2012) - James Watkins

I happen to have read the 1983 novella 'The Woman In Black' by Susan Hill, which this film and its earlier 1989 adaptation for ITV (which is on YouTube, albeit with Spanish subtitles, and you should definitely watch) is based on; and whilst I can appreciate the quiet, low key creepiness of the novel, I can definitely understand a lot of the embellishments that were added into its subsequent adaptations. Quite frankly if you deigned to be 100% faithful and accurate to the source material on this one then what you'd end up with is about an hour tops of a pale looking 19th century gentleman cycling around a dreary village sifting through large swathes of paperwork in a dusty mansion. Works on paper with the right scribe, on screen it's coma material. 

But whilst Nigel Kneale (legendary British TV writer and creator of the 'Quatermass' series) took the gentile English ghost story and adapted it to screen with subtly chilling effect; Jane Goldman and James Watkins take this premise and do what most horror film-makers do nowadays. Jump out and yell BOO.

Don't get me wrong here. 'The Woman In Black' (2012) is not a bad film by any stretch. It's nicely filmed, the settings are effective and atmospheric, no one really gives a bad performance and some of the ideas and embellishments are enjoyable. It just happens to be one of those films where the plot often takes a backseat to people walking down dark corridors investigating noises that no one in their right goddamn mind would bother to ever investigate.

In short, it's British 'The Conjuring' with nicer visuals and a template based on a classic ghost story.

And you know what that means. That's right.
This Monkey toy gets a half a dozen side movies.

Daniel Radcliffe plays Arthur Kipps, a young lawyer whose wife dies in childbirth and is left to provide and care for his young son. Unfortunately this is early 1900s Great Britain and people think mental health leave is when you go to the local sanitarium and pay to poke the inmates with a walking stick and laugh, so Arthur's boss issues an ultimatum; "Very sorry about your dead wife and all, old chap, but get back to work or you're fired." 

As such Arthur accepts an assignment to the small village of Crythin Gifford to sort through the affairs of the recently deceased Alice Drablow. Who, as it happens, lived in a house on a small island connected to the mainland via a path surrounded by foggy marshes which tends to disappear underwater for large portions of the day. There's also a crucifix sticking up out of the marsh. The only way this could be more of a red flag is if Satan himself were standing at the mouth of the road with a sign saying 'Rapist Clown Party This Way.' 

Naturally not one person in the whole village wants to accommodate Arthur, let alone speak of the place; so he ends up having to bribe a local horse and carriage man (named Keckwick whose name amuses me for some reason) to take him out to Eel Marsh house and complete his assignment. 

He sees the eponymous Woman in Black and finds out that whenever someone sees the ghost of the woman, a child in the village inevitably dies. 

Which leads me to asking a couple of highly irrelevant questions. First of all, how far from the house is the Woman in Black's influence? Obviously it extends to the village, but what about beyond? If not - and given that so many people have been victimized by the WIB in the form of their children's horrible deaths - why not just leave? 

I mean, what are you leaving behind, really? I know that if I happened to live in a run down hole in the middle of nowhere with no career prospects and a madman who'll stab my dog to death if I so much as spy him wanking into the flower bed at the end of my garden, I'd swallow any sentimental feelings I had and get on the next bus to... anywhere that doesn't have that. 

Secondly, if leaving really is out of the question (and by extension, so is burning down the house and/or blowing up the pathway with dynamite), why give Arthur the cold shoulder? I mean it's not like he knows. You could try, I don't know... telling him about the curse lady? Sure, he may not believe you but if it really is a matter of your children's lives then I'd at least give it a go. Worst case scenario - he thinks you're a bit loony and goes anyway. Best case scenario - he still thinks you're a bit mental, but decides not to chance it, goes back home and gets a job as a chimney sweep. 

Chim-chiminy-chim-chiminy-chim-chim-charoon!
I'm covered in soot and I look like a co....

Like I said before, it's not a bad movie as such. As was previously stated it's nicely shot and well acted. The jumpscares, though overly frequent, are quite well built up and executed. But any way you slice it, you took a classic ghost story and slapped a bunch of 'The Conjuring' scares on to it. It's what I like to call a 'Funhouse Movie.' Isn't really scary, might give you a bit of a thrill, but ultimately is just a bunch of BOO jumpscares. Even the WIB herself is turned into little more than a computer generated Halloween decoration. 

Beyond that you have a fairly repetitive story. He goes to the house and witnesses creepy shit, goes back to the village where someone dies; goes back to the house and witnesses creepy shit, goes back to the village where someone dies, etc, etc. On top of this the ending, quite different to the original novel, rubbed me the wrong way. Yes the 1989 version also changed things a little from the novel's ending, but it was only slight and it was much more effective. Here it came off corny and lacked the chill of the novel or 1989 version's endings. 

Overall Quality Rating - 3/5

If you're looking for a slightly more upmarket 'The Conjuring' where people walk down corridors and wait to get jumped by ghost muggers wearing balaclavas then you could go worse. It has the advantage of having been based on a decent ghost story and having some good direction and set design. 

Idiot Rating - 2/5

There are a couple of silly jumpscares, especially when the WIB is computer generated. One of the better embellishments from the original story is the addition of Arthur's 'sidekick' character Samuel Daily having a wife who is not only completely off her meds due to the death of their son (to the point of dressing up small dogs, sitting them down at the dinner table and treating them like babies), but at one point becomes possessed by the spirit of a dead child, resulting in one of the funnier scenes of the film. 

The Craft (1996) - Andrew Fleming

  

"Glenn," you might be asking, alone in your room and out loud for some reason, "why are you reviewing a movie clearly intended for teenage girls?"

Well, I could ask you, what are you doing reading a review of a movie clearly intended for teenage girls? For that matter, why don't you have a job? Why are your parents disappointed in you? What are you doing on that chair with that rope around your neck? There are many questions in this world for which there are no answers. For now, let me tell you about this movie for teenage girls. 

So this is one of those movies that I've seen several times but I always forget about. As such I end up watching it again and then forgetting about it again, only to then watch it again. I repeat this process until someone intervenes. As of yet no one has. 

But evidently someone didn't forget about this movie, because not only is a bit of a cult film, but it also has finally garnered a sequel from the acclaimed Blumhouse Productions. 

To comment on it quickly, I'm not sure whether it's supposed to be a remake or a sequel. The similar premise - teenage girl moves to new town, goes to new school, meets weird witch friends, hilarity ensues - and the whole 'light as a feather, stiff as a board' thing from the original suggest remake. Meanwhile the subtitle 'Legacy' (ugh) and the inclusion of pics of Fairuza Balk's character also from the original suggest sequel. Aside from this ambiguity, it's what you'd expect from a modern trailer: vaguely feminist sentiments intercut with an ambient monged out version of 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.' Also David Duchovny. 

'Scully this has all the hallmarks of sassy teenage witchcraft.'

But I have to say, I'm disappointed. Being a die-hard Meninist, I am shocked and appalled that Hollywood hasn't lived up to its commitment to diversity and gender-swapped the whole thing. I mean clearly everyone is crying out for an all male version of this fi....

Arrgh! Get it away! Kill it! Arrgh!

So the original film begins with Sarah (Robin Tunney) moving to Los Angeles with her father and stepmother, and immediately I'm getting deja vu because Jesus if Robin Tunney doesn't look almost exactly like Kristen Stewart in 'Twilight'.

The similarities continue as Sarah endures her first day at school and ends up making friends with three outcast school girls: Bonnie (Neve Campbell) who sports burns over a good portion of her body which are never explained, Rochelle (Rachel True) who is the black one, and Nancy (Fairuza Balk), who one fluctuates between wanting to sleep with on the one hand, and on the other, to feed her raw meat from the safety of an underwater cage. 

Horny or Hungry? You be the judge. 

As it happens the three girls are looking for a 'fourth' to complete their coven and become all powerful witches. Upon becoming all powerful they do exactly what you'd expect teenage girls to do: use said power to settle personal grievances with other school girls. And change their hair colour. 

Okay, that's unfair. Nancy does end up using her power to kill her abusive trailer trash father, resulting in she and her mother receiving a hefty life insurance payout. Sarah on the other hand uses her power to cast a love spell on a football player who spread rumours about her and turns him into a simp who carries her books for her. Bonnie gets rid of the burns on her body and goes to school the next day baring some skin. And Rochelle makes the blonde bitch's hair fall out after she receives some mild racist abuse from her. 

Of course such things have their price, as Sarah's unfortunate paramour hangs around outside her house watching her sleep, not being able to eat or sleep himself due to the spell. For some reason she agrees to go on another date with him where he attempts to force himself her, shouting "IT'S GONNA HAPPEN!" And to be honest, what did anyone expect? You turn him into a male feminist and then you act shocked when he tries to rape you? It's a toxic combination. Entitlement issues and raging male hormones are not a good mix. And yet, despite the schoolboy lies, horrific simping, creepy behaviour and even the attempted rape; all in all it was STILL a better love story than 'Twilight'.

Thank you, thank you, I'm here all week.

For Bonnie and Rochelle there isn't that much in the way of comeuppance. They see themselves in a mirror looking like the very things they fear to be and then run away leaving Nancy to finish off Sarah. And really that's where my criticism of this film lies. If anything it's just not edgy enough. Sarah almost gets raped. Bonnie and Rochelle just kind of lose their powers by the end. In fact the most memorable and perhaps edgiest element of the film is Fairuza Balk as Nancy, who chews the scenery and ends up being responsible for the film's two solitary deaths.

Overall though, it ends up being just as you probably suspected earlier. Forgettable. Perhaps relatable enough for teenage girls to garner some cult status, but nowhere near shocking enough for any seasoned horror fans. 

But then, what did I expect? It's a film for teenage girls. 

Overall Quality Rating - 3/5

Forgettable? Sure. Lacking in any real horror? Affirmative. Entertaining? Well you could go worse shoving something on for your 90s nostalgia meetup. It's got that 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' aesthetic that's kind of nice to see once in a while. Maybe that's why I end up watching it once every few years. It's the decade I grew up in and for all its flaws it represents the the time period rather nicely. Plus it has a decent cover of Peter Gabriel's 'I Have the Touch' in the end credits, so there's that. 

Idiot Rating - 3/5

Not only does it have some questionable effects, Fairuza Balk's scenery chewing is the most fun you'll have with this film. Especially towards the end where she's floating several feet off the ground, slamming Sarah into walls and generally going completely apeshit. 

Upgrade (2018) - Leigh Whannell

Aussie film-maker Leigh Whannell made a name for himself creating, writing and acting in such films and franchises as the "Saw" series, the "Insidious" series, "Dead Silence" and "Cooties". Whether you consider these examples of cinematic genius or outright war crimes, one must admit, the guy will go down as highly influential in the annals of horror cinema. 

Personally, I have a kind of love hate relationship with the guy. "Saw"? Meh. "Insidious"? Only one I really liked was the second one and that's because it was a high level Idiot Movie. Really the whole series should have been centered around the ghost hunters rather than the same middle class family we always see in these kinds of films. 

But I've always watched him with interest, because even in some of the crap he's made, he's always had some fun ideas. And now we get to "Upgrade". Probably his best film in my humble opinion. 

The film follows mechanic and technophobe Grey Trace, who may have the most boring sci-fi name of all time. He and his wife are targeted by a group of hired assassins who proceed to kill her and paralyze Grey from the neck down. Grieving and suicidal, a tech mogul offers to implant him with a special chip which will give him the ability to walk again. Shortly after the procedure, Grey finds that not only is he able to walk again, but the implants talks to him and can also, with his permission, take control of his body, turning him into a near unstoppable fighting machine. 

With this new found help, Grey goes about the task of tracking down and taking revenge on the people who killed his wife. 

Fairly simple premise with a more than competent execution. Leigh Whannell not only writes but takes the directing chair in this one. With "Upgrade" he manages to merge the genres of Cyberpunk, Body Horror and Revenge Movie (all of which I am a fan of) in a manner that may appeal to the average movie-goer but without toning things down too much. There's darkness and tragedy of course but not so much that it becomes pretentious or loses its entertainment value. 

Yeah it has a tendency to overdo it on the comedy (something that's kind of common in Leigh Whannell's work) and there are one or two holes needing plastered over, but it's well directed, shot nicely (especially in the fight scenes) and the sci-fi set design is quite pretty to look at. It is a bit baby's first cyberpunk but there's nothing overly wrong with that. Just know going in that you aren't about to see that long sought after "Neuromancer" adaptation. 

For gore fans, the violence is bloody and over the top, with one or two genuinely shocking moments and a refreshing lack of CG. As is standard it has that Saw-esque twist at the end which probably raises a few more questions on its own but it works overall. 

Overall Quality Rating - 4/5

I genuinely enjoyed this one and it made me interested to see Leigh's recent take on "The Invisible Man", again for Blumhouse. It's a simple movie with a simple idea and that's usually what I like. I'd even go as far as to say that it's probably the sort of movie that my favourite director John Carpenter may have made back in his heyday of the 80s. Flawed, but a genuine treat.

Idiot Rating - 2/5

There are some moments where the implant takes over Grey's body to take down multiple opponents with ease as he mugs in utter shock and amazement that may clash with the overall dark tone of the movie, but nonetheless gain a chuckle or two from me. 

Anyways, that's all for now.

I'm DeadEye and I hope you rot in Hell.