Dear Regressive Liberals....

Dear Regressive Liberals,

I've noticed that you've taken to starting or at least titling your articles with "Dear White People" or other such variances.

Try not to gouge out own eyes.

Oh Cracked. How thy have fallen.

Never have the words "Very Smart" in your website name.

Please refer to my previous advice about eye gouging.

Don't forget to have a go at women while we're at it.

As a liberal myself who has been fully indoctrinated into the White Supremacist, Capitalist, Heteronormative, Cis-Normative, Mentally Challenged Patriarchy, I'd like to let you know that by beginning your articles by referring to your target audience solely by the colour of their skin, you have automatically forfeited your argument.

Let's try a little experiment:

If I were to begin an article with the title or lead in "Dear Black People; Please Stop Committing all the Crime", then you would quite rightly accuse me of racist stereotyping for implying that all black people commit all the crime.

Now I understand that you don't think it's possible to be racist towards white people since we are merely blobs of pink, alien flesh that have forged ourselves into the image of sentient primates and somehow managed to establish an invisible, oppressive hierarchy over you, and not actually... y'know... human. But the fact is that we're here and you'll have to live with us and our terrible day time TV shows, so it's best to not have a double standard about these things.

I also understand that you are angry because despite all of the PC outrage and figurative whippings you have bestowed and inflicted upon the public for years and years they had the absolute gall to go against your wishes and elect literally Hitler you guys.

You fackin' what mate?

It's all very shit. I mean from the beginning. The election was a shit-show, speaking as a filthy Scottish prick who sat in his room and watched from afar like J. Robert Oppenheimer in an experimental bomb shelter. Probably laughing. Undoubtedly laughing. You had a couple of decent candidates here and there but they were left hanging on the punji sticks as the final two blood soaked contestants stumbled forth to claim the prize.

And those contestants were.... A man with the verbal skill of a melted Speak 'n' Spell, and a woman who was probably Richard Nixon in lady skin whose husband's semen undoubtedly forms a protective coating around the inside of the Oval Office (some say that with every step you can hear it whisper "Where'ssss fatheeeerrr? Let me diiieeeee").

And those white sons of bitches, they chose the melted Speak 'n' Spell man. How dare they! How dare they ruin the lives of black people and LGBT folks who as far as anyone can tell he said nothing bad about! How dare they pass up our chance for our first female president! True we probably would've elected Charles Manson if he had a vagina but whatever! True progress comes hand in hand with corruption and corporatism!

But after all of this you didn't think for one second that maybe things weren't as you thought they were. That maybe there was a reason this happened that wasn't the overly harsh assertion that "more than half of the US are bigoted, racist, sexists".

I'm looking at YOU Patton Oswalt!

No. You continued doing exactly what got you here in the first place. Calling a massive group of people racists and bigots because they didn't hold the exact same opinion as you. You kicked the hornets nest over and over and over and then quite literally ran home crying when you finally got stung.

But fear not. I am here to help.

Seen here in full White Supremacist Capitalist Mode

As a person who considers himself part of the left wing political spectrum I tire of this, as the Romans would say, "fuckery." So I'm going to give you a few suggestions for how not to fail so astoundingly awfully as you have done in recent weeks (and months, and years). But as many an alcoholic or "Gotham" fan will tell you; the first step to solving a problem is admitting that there is one. And that problem is that whilst it used to be the right wing that were the laughable, lying, fabricating clowns with the self awareness of the keyboard I'm using to type this smug bullshit, that title now belongs to the far left. As such the Right have been kicking your arses, whether it be in the U.S, Britain or Europe.

Thomas Paine would be shitting blood right now.

So now that we've got that out of the way, let's move on to a few things YOU could do to not make your political movement suck.

#1: Stop Calling People Racist (etc) All the Damn Time

Racist. What a word eh? Used to be such a fine word. Lots of stopping power. Like a verbal 44. Magnum. Lot's of shock value. Like the word "Rapist", but without the potentially life ruining properties. "Misogynist" as well. There's something linguistically acrobatic about it. Makes you feel smart whenever you say it. Like the word "linguistically".

But these mighty words have fallen through overuse. Not just overuse in fact. Malicious overuse. The Right were paranoid about communists and gays and jazz, and the Left are paranoid about racists, homophobes and sexists (AKA: The entire gaming community). It's like if Joseph McCarthy had a Tumblr account.

"Educate yourself, Commie!"

To those of us who are experienced in the realms of online discourse (AKA: Borderline Alcoholics) these words have become diluted. They no longer carry the weight they used to and whenever they come up, instead of representing their actual meanings, they represent "You don't have the exact same opinion as me, therefore I am going to call you a nasty name, shit on the podium and run away because different ideas scare me."

Just to be very clear here; I am not here to defend actual racists, homophobes and misogynists. These people exist and they will always exist. But (in a very figurative way) words are weapons in a war of ideas. The way the usage of these words has changed is the difference between a sniper rifle and a sawed-off shotgun. They used to be used to described very specific people, just as a sniper rifle picks off a very specific target. Now they resemble the shotgun blast that takes out an entire room full of people who did fuck all to deserve it. Unless they are white men. In which case they always deserve it. Always.

And the reason I say racists still exist is not just to calm you all down and assure you all that you are not reading the work of a Neo-Nazi or anything, it's also because a lot of the most prominent, and accepted racists seem to be on the left these days.

Co-Founder of Black Lives Matter Toronto by the way.

#2: Hold your Politicians Accountable

I am certain that the reason Trump won was because potential Bernie Sanders voters either voted third party, didn't vote at all or voted for Trump. Why? Because they fucking hated Hillary. They hated her because she represents precisely the opposite of what Bernie was envisioning for the US. Bernie was the candidate who represented true change. Hillary was the candidate who represented a potential eight years of corporate pandering and corruption.

Of course there is also the various scandals involving e-mails and suspicious donations to the Clinton Foundation from the Saudi and Qatari governments. But I'm not going to get into those because I quite simply don't have the research skills or overall journalistic talent to break this shit down for you. I swear a lot and make jokes about killing people. That's my vocation and I will stick to it.

Exhibit A.

Thing is though, this barely came up at all in mainstream media circles. At least as far as I could see. The media were far more concerned about trying to prove that Trump was a big meanie and a racist racist. And much to their surprise the public saw right through it. For some reason the public were more concerned about the ramifications of the contents of Hillary's emails and the fact that her foundation has received millions of dollars in donations from some of the most oppressive societies in the world than they were about Trump being a brash moron who somehow can say many things but still say nothing in the process.

Upon seeing that clip within the above video I knew that picking on Trump was basically like picking on a retard (P.S. I love being able to set links. Did you notice?).

The short of it is that barely anyone was calling out Hillary. The public realized this. And the left have been belittling them for it ever since. Next time, hold your nominee(s) accountable for things. People will be more likely to trust you.

#3: Stop Acting Like Children!

I really don't have to say much here do I? I mean really. What is this?

(Special thanks to Sargon of Akkad for making this easier for me)

Really? This is how you want people to think of you? This is not what adults do. This is what CHILDREN do. Once again this used to be the right wing thing. When you don't get your way, stamp your feet and cry and yell. Or at best OBSTRUCT. Obstruct as much as you can because all you can do now is bask in your own saltiness and be as belligerent as possible.

This is what the left is becoming and it has to stop. These people scoffed and laughed when Trump came out and said that he wouldn't "accept the election results" if Hillary won. And now that Trump has won suddenly the democratic process isn't worth shit. Well fuck you. You made your bed. Now you lie in it for a minimum of four years. Hopefully it's enough time for you to realize that treating an entire nation of people like ignorant plebs who only think of things in terms of race and sex (gee, I wonder who that reminds me of?) is not the way to get people to vote for your candidate.

The people voted this way not just because of a sheer lack of decent choice. They voted this way because they were tired and they wanted change. And if that meant electing this guy:

Then.... well I can't argue with them. That is definitely a change in direction. Call it a stupid decision all you want. Hell I might even agree with you. But this is not the way to fix things. It's exactly the thing that got you here in the first place. At least now many of those in office know that no matter how much power they hold over the public, the public can elect an elderly clown with a dead fox wig into the most powerful office in the world and they have to put up with it.

This is what happened. This is the world we live in. These are the hands we're given. These were the candidates we were given. Never change World.

 

A Compelling Body of Evidence: An Armchair Musing

I've only just realized.

Have you ever noticed that most well known comic creators tend to be either bald or balding?

Antony Jonston

Garth Ennis

Greg Rucka

Kieron Gllen

Brian Azzarello

Brian K. Vaughan

Grant Morrison

(Try not to look directly into his eyes)

Warren Ellis

(Telling you exactly what he thinks of you)

Why is this? Well.... I have a theory.

Alan Moore stole all their hair.

I rest my case.

Two Hours of My Life: Cabin Fever (2016)

So it appears we are at the point of remaking movies that aren't even fifteen, let alone twenty years old. I'll be honest; I didn't even know this was happening. And I spend more time online looking up useless film trivia than I do actually sleeping. Which I'm pretty sure is how Son of Sam got his start.

Well I have to give props to Eli Roth on this one occasion. It was a film that needed to be remade. Admittedly I haven't seen the original in a loooong time but I do remember it being odd as hell and being filled with stupid pricks. I also remember the most interesting thing about the film being the little interview with Roth on the DVD where he explained exactly what it was I just watched, and that Roth's personality and experiences are easily more interesting than any of his films.

The moment where you know Eli Roth is friends with David Lynch (Not making that up).

But you know what? I don't actually mind this. The original film was flawed outside of it's interesting little oddities, and the concept of a group of kids being infected with a flesh eating virus out in "Deliverance" county was never a terrible idea for a horror flick. Let's have a go. How bad could it b....?

Every time. Every fucking time.

Oh well. All I know is, if they don't have this scene, then this film's fate was sealed from the beginning.

26 secs: Jesus, look how many people wanted their company's name all over this. Do they KNOW who Eli Roth is? I mean admittedly no one else does but most people aren't running a film studio.

1:25: So apparently the film's director, Travis Z (If ever you wanted to punch someone in the name), used essentially the same script as the original film, only slightly altered. Rendering this whole thing utterly pointless.

This far in, it's pretty much the same except the dead dog at the beginning is named "Pancakes." If you watched the above clip then you'll get the reference, but my reaction is less the recognition one feels for an old friend and more like if one were to go to MacDonalds and be told that the ingredients for the bread have been slightly changed. Either way the cold, bony hand of Death will one day come for us all.

2:09: And now a random homage to The Shining. Helicopter shots of a car, same ominous music. Again, I'm wondering what the point was. In fact; take a drink whenever I say something along the lines of "What was the point?" If you succumb to alcohol poisoning, please notify a loved one before taking the challenge so that they may let me know of your demise, and I may bask in the troubling satisfaction of having taken a life over the internet.

4:38: So our group of walking slaughterhouse meat shows up at a petrol station and spots a young boy wearing a bunny mask, again obviously in reference to the original. One of the vessels the druids chose for sacrifice to the Dark One reacts by saying "Creepy" out loud. Give this man a Coke and a blowjob. Clearly he is the Sherlock Holmes of this group.

The kid then proceeds to bite one of them on the hand. As the father scolds the boy the victim of the bite proclaims loudly that it "wasn't his (the kid's) fault". Clearly the boy slipped and his jaws happened to fall firmly clenched on the hand of the nearest person. Of course our obvious prep school arsehole threatens a lawsuit after referring to the father as "Deliverance". Already I have trouble sympathizing. You can't threaten hillbillies with lawsuits! The last suit they saw was on the body of the government meat inspector they hanged in the woods. Silly city twat!

11:11: So after receiving our dose of foreshadowing from the man selling fox piss at the petrol station, our very own Inspector Morse realizes that out here in the mountains there is no internet, no phone connections, no GTA V or Minecraft. I'm not sure but I think this guy came all the way up here under the impression that he would be able to plug his laptop into a fucking moose. Actually, no, I am 100% sure that is the case.

"I tied my phone to a kestrel and let it go but still, nothing!"

16:28: Stoner Hercule Poirot almost kills his friend with an assault rifle. Apparently no one noticed that he had this thing. It looks designed for desert combat and it's being handled by a man who only just found out how the forest works.

Meanwhile two of our other blank slate characters (whose names I still don't know) have the most mundane conversation of all time, leading up to a romantic swimming scene. I have learned nothing about these characters beyond the fact that apparently, cardboard boxes can procreate.

24:45: Okay, as much as I hate the stoner guy, I have to admit, so far he's the most entertaining part of the movie. It's between his pathetic COD emulations out in the woods and slowly slipping into a coma from the inane interactions between the other characters.

Anyways, we get to the first point in the movie since the beginning that bares any resemblance to the original, and it's probably the most atmospheric scene so far. I have to say that it isn't badly shot. It's nicely staged and lit. Unfortunately it doesn't make up my boredom.

30:15: Our group of ill fated youngsters just set a homeless man on fire.

Now I remember this happened in the original. I don't quite remember how it went down but I don't remember it being quite as stupid. Don't quote me on that. I have the memory of an IPhone photo app. All I can say is that I can't remember any of the characters deliberately shooting out the tyres of their own vehicle, thereby stranding themselves. Also the cabin, in this version anyway, is situated directly adjacent to a lake. Which the immolated hobo runs AWAY from.

To be fair, he is on fire and is most likely not thinking straight. I'm certain if he keeps going, he'll find water eventually. Or as prep school dickhead suggests, "Maybe the rain put him out."

39:00: Okay, old lady gutting a pig in her barn is now the most entertaining part of this film. I care more about this woman's sick hogs than I do about any of the main characters.

44:49: And here we have one of the more key differences between the two films. The deputy officer that shows up at the cabin is played by a woman. I know, not much of a difference but the whole scene plays out pretty much the same, with the deputy constantly referring to "partying". This time however, ominous music plays in the background and I'm not sure why. In the original the music playing in the background was very jazzy, Twin Peaks style stuff, since Angelo Badlamenti, the composer for Twin Peaks (and various other David Lynch works) did some of the soundtrack. And it actually worked better.

Again, I have to ask what was the point of all this? They essentially made the exact same movie with a few minor differences. I know Eli Roth isn't exactly an innovator in the horror field but you'd think he would've found something else to do with the premise after all these years.

Or a Cannibal film. Because that shit isn't dated in the slightest.

51:42: We've gotten to the classic scene where one of the male characters (still don't know any names) starts fingering a girl, only to find that he was in fact fingering an open sore on her thigh. You may think that's bad but I once heard of a guy who fingered a girl's belly button by mistake.

Despite this I am actually bored. Say what you want about the original, but I don't remember it being this fucking boring. This film is paced at the speed of trees.

58:44: Whatwasthepointwhatwasthepointwhatwasthepointwhatwasthepointwhatwasthepoint.

I'm sorry. I needed someone to die for my amusement. Apologies to all who were partaking in the drinking game.

Whatwasthepointwhatwasthepointwhatwasthepoint.....

1:07:45: While two of the characters are shagging for no reason other than to satisfy the actress's contract, let's talk about the fucking dog.

The dog bothered me even in the original. It always seemed like Roth was adding it in as an extra threat because he couldn't figure out any other way to expand the drama around the virus spreading. Here they seemed to have made it so the dog is infected as well but why is it the only animal we see that's infected? Especially since it's clear that the virus is being spread through the water which the animals undoubtedly drink. I would've thought that a river bed covered in infected animal corpses would be a set piece that Roth would love to have taken advantage of.

Ah, they've stopped fucking now. Moving on.

1:12:26: The hillbillies have gone apeshit. Finally! It's what I wanted this whole time!

1:15:07: So we've finally gotten to the redo of the "classic" leg shaving scene. I get the need for grotesque spectacle but I wonder what it was that made her think it would be a good time to shave her legs?

"Oh well. Friend's dying out in the shed, we've all been infected by a flesh eating virus and there's a vicious dog stalking us in the woods nearby. Better break out the old Venus and make my legs silky smooth."

Also the burning homeless man has shown up again. Bursting out of the water like Jason from Friday the 13th. Not sure how long he's been down there, or how he's survived this long with both the virus and the third degree burns. But.... I'm not even sure where I'm going with this.  

 

1:15:38: "IT'S IN THE WATER!"

Bit late pal. Sorry.

1:21:09: First of all, cool it with the music! It doesn't make things better. In fact it makes the whole thing way more dramatic than it needs to be and makes it more ridiculous and hilarious than it already is.

Secondly; fucking hell! Boy Meets World in the original bashed his girl's head in with a rock for the mercy kill. Here he gives her a Glasgow Smile with a fucking shovel and then burns her alive with kerosene and a flare! I mean the rock wasn't ideal but come on!

1:22:29: Wait! He just gave his girlfriend a long painful death by shovel and fire but the whole time the reason he couldn't shoot her and end it quickly was because he had the fucking safety on?!

I have no words.

1:33:09: What? What the hell was...? How does that even work?

So after a little end credits sequence showing all the bodies being bagged up by the CDC we get a post credits scene where a friend of the group's in the city is looking through their photos on Facebook. She then comes across pictures of the blonde girl being killed. Pictures that could not possibly have been taken or uploaded.

The fuck?

Verdict

I wont bother trying to give you a proper comparison to the original because, like I said, I haven't seen it in a long time. I might edit this post at some point in the event that I do. But judging this one on its own merits; Pretty fucking boring.

I wouldn't say it's as bad as the 0% rating on RT would indicate, considering there have only been around 23 reviews at the time of this posting. I imagine that as reviews rack up then the percentage will probably go up as well. But in general this film was pretty boring.

I had no real connection to any of the characters and the film's pacing made me want to fall asleep. Just about everyone in this film is an idiot or a prick, and given that it's made very clear early on that the virus is coming from the water, when that revelation is made it doesn't exactly come off as startling.

Positives? It's nicely shot, and it uses its setting well enough. Some of the weirder aspects (the guy in the rabbit suit for example) have been toned down, making it less jarring and seemingly random. The "PANCAKES" scene is still in there but with 100% less kung fu. You may take that as a positive or a negative.

So overall, pretty crap. But then so was the original if my memory serves me. This is the first Eli Roth film I've seen since Hostel and it always came off to me as though he wanted to put a lot of weird humour in his films but could never implement it properly. It takes a lot of skill to make a film both funny and scary, and I don't think Roth ever had the ability for it. The guy knows how to direct but I don't think he could ever write for shit. Just my two cents.

I must admit though; I remember this making me laugh in the original.

Diversity Happens

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No Hope: Another Bloody EU Rant

Just one more useless fucking fence sitting post to do with the EU vote. I'm sure you'd rather gouge your own eyes out rather than read another one of these but I'm feeling kind of disgusted by everybody in this argument.

I've heard some of my favourite speakers and writers come out with the most childish whining about this. Let's not kid ourselves that only one side has been acting like complete tossers because let's face it; both sides have and they always do when these things pop up. It happened in the Scottish Independence Ref and it's happened now. Just one of the many reasons I wanted to punch my screen out the moment I saw Alex Salmond's stupid fucking face appear again along with rumours of "Indyref2". Because that's all I wanted. My country once again at war with itself. Maybe this time we'll regress back to throwing spears and impaling our enemies heads on pikes.

Voting leave was never going solve the immigration problem. Yeah we'd have the freedom to tighten our borders a bit more but who the hell said that we even would? Our government is filled with Eton wankers and fox hunters who'd suck off a corporate CEO before you could say welfare cuts and you think they're going to cut off a supply of people who'll work for tuppence and dust? I'm not anti-immigration, and neither am I completely deluded that allowing large amounts of economic migrants using the situation in the Middle East as an excuse to gain refugee status isn't going to cause some kind of massive cultural rift, but voting leave nor remain was never going to help that.

But let's not leave out what the EU is planning after all this. They're well poised to make a fucking example of us, which kind of says a lot when you think about it. Far be it from me to use a spousal abuse analogy here but I think it works, don't you?

Meanwhile my own generation is making remarks about banning the elderly from voting, because that's how you make a great society; discrimination and general fascism. Tell you what; maybe if most of you actually went outside and voted then you wouldn't be moaning on Facebook about "muh footure". Ah who am I kidding? Of course you would. That's what you're good at. It's what I'm doing right now at 4 in the fucking morning.

More attacks on democracy, from the Lib Dems of all people, whose plan is now to try and push our way back into EU like a battered spouse who realises the pain and abuse is all they know and that the outside world is scary (there's that analogy again) just because 48% of the country is in a sulk. Well shit! We took a vote and it didn't go our way! Time to veto it and render the whole process pointless! Fucking hell, at least when the current government went to bomb Syria they didn't even bother to insult us by putting it to a public vote. They just went ahead and did it. Apparently if the Lib Dems were in power they'd have us vote on it and then when it came back a majority "NO" they'd go ahead  and bomb anyway because the minority were a bit sad it didn't go their way.

And really? Are people actually surprised that Nigel Farage, a man who probably lives in an African river and mauls baby zebras for sustenance in his spare time, lied about something? What you thought he wanted to help the NHS? Good god man! How many times have you been sold the Eiffel Tower? Farage is part of that charming group who would like to follow the American model of having thousands of us die every year due to lack of health insurance and privatise the health service. And you thought he wanted to put 350 mil into the NHS? I'd tell you to shoot yourself but you'd probably miss and kill your dog.

I've said on many occasions, no matter what the result we have to work together to pull through it. But I'm starting to wonder whether we can.

Warren Ellis said in his recent newsletter that he actually had nothing hopeful to tell us at time. I think he's right. I certainly can't. Not now.

I need a fucking drink.

Journal of a Well Balanced Human - 12/06/2016

It's almost three in the afternoon. I got up at about half past twelve after dreaming about something I can no longer remember. I had actually woken up about 12ish but my mind had convinced itself that the air around me was infected with various, government made pathogens and my duvet cover was the only thing in the world stopping me from dying an awful, blood shitting death at the hands of the Tory party. I tried to distract myself with an episode of the Rubin Report but my Wi-Fi cut out on my phone. Shit! They're trying to bore me out of bed! I consider crawling along the floor under my duvet to reach a working phone, call Alex Jones and demand that he tell my story before my skin sloughs off and leaves a mess for my flat mates to clean up.

Just then I get a message from a nice girl I met on Match.com some weeks back. Somehow my phone can receive contact from other humans but it can't stream the Rubin Report. I then realize that our government couldn't arrange a lynching in a red state so I wrack my brains trying to find another strange reason to not leave my bed. As I concoct a story about the book case suddenly gaining sentience and a taste for human genitals the nice girl calls me a "lazy bum" and demands that I go and face the world. I get up and sluggishly pull on my clothing. A pair of black track bottoms, a Ghostbusters shirt and a hoodie with the words "Keep Calm and Kill Zombies" that probably hasn't been washed since the sweat shop it was made in was caught in a monsoon. I find out that I've left my washing in the basket for too long and now I have to wash it again. This never would have happened if I had stayed in bed. I hope she's happy.

She is so far the only person that has responded to one of my many half arsed messages on Match. Somehow she found my obvious lack of human charm intriguing, as a scientist looking upon a rat with the arm of a Sudanese child grafted to its back, so we have remained in contact. Very much like that rat, I stumble with little to no balance through the flat, past my flat mates who are discussing important things like how not to die of starvation in a first world country, grab a bottle of cider and watch the last episode of The X-Files Season 10.

I'll be honest, I don't know what to make of it. My dad and I stopped watching half way through season 9 due to us both thinking it was shit. It was so long ago that I can't even remember why. All I know is that I finally had a look at the second movie "I Want to Believe" and despite a few interesting ideas and some nicely shot winter environments, it was pretty underwhelming. You'd think a movie starring Billy Connolly as a psychic, pedophile priest who lives in a commune of sex offenders would hold my attention a lot more easily, but honestly it just comes off as though they wrote a 40 minute episode of the show and decided to pad it out with some bollocks about Scully possibly having to torture a dying kid to prove a point to her boss which took up time they could have used to develop their villain characters further than "weird Russian guys."

As for Season 10.... Like I said, not sure what to think. Episodes 2 through 4 were actually pretty decent, with episode 3 being the stand out masterpiece of the lot. Episodes 1 and 5 through 6 were.... written by Chris Carter, the show's creator. Which if you know anything about the show should probably give you an idea as to how they were. Carter was honestly capable of such brilliance in earlier seasons (the hilarious and creepy "Syzygy" in season 3 being a great example), but here he engages in pretty much all of his faults. The first and sixth episodes (The 6th being the direct sequel to the first) try to build up a very large conspiracy story in a span of 80 minutes and does it in the most alarmist, Alex Jonesian fashion that makes it hard to get into the suspense that it's trying to generate. William B. Davis makes a cool return as the Cigarette Smoking Man, but kind of ends up being relegated to the role of disfigured Bond villain.

The fifth episode "Babylon" has apparently been accused of Islamophobia (a ridiculous word if ever there was one) since it deals with a Muslim terrorist. None of it comes off in any way bigoted but once again it shows Carter engaging in some of his less desirable traits; punctuating serious themes with clumsy, weird humour. It honestly could have been a great episode, with the show tackling some topical themes, but I found it hard to take seriously. Which makes me wonder how others took it seriously enough to brand it as bigoted, when all it really did was acknowledge that Muslim terrorists exist.  

Whilst I recommend episodes 2 through 4 mostly, overall the series doesn't quite capture the moody weirdness of the original series. I ended up going on ITunes and purchasing the first series since I haven't watched it in years.

I had a quick surf around the web and finally decided to check out this whole Christina Grimmie business. I don't watch The Voice because I don't really have a fetish for watching unknowns play the dancing monkey to a crowd of howling sheep and a line-up of hired scowlers and professional judgement artists, so I've only really just gotten round to finding out about this. All I can gather so far is that a young girl was killed, people who never met her are mourning like children at a screening of Bambi, feminists are turning it into an issue of violence against women and the far left in general is turning it into a gun violence issue. Because that's what you do when someone dies. At least now that dead gorilla will get some peace.

My flat mates have left the house. Presumably to do more important stuff. I have to go back to bed. The floor has become radioactive and I'm developing lesions on my feet and legs.

See you next week.

 

The Sun Burns Out and we Evolve Tube Hands: An Armchair Musing

You know, I'm surprised anyone even bothers to buy "The Sun" anymore. I mean in terms of literature and factual accuracy it's probably just a step up from what your demented uncle wrote on the wall in his own feces after his last stroke; but for Page 3? Why? Maybe back in the old Dickensian days when everything was tinged with smoke and smallpox, and seeing a nude woman usually cost a farthing and came with a subscription to Syphilis Monthly, but not now.

Why are you buying the Sun? For the tits? That's like drinking out of a stagnant pond when there's a perfectly good, constantly refilling, water cooler nearby. I hereby introduce you to the Internet. Trust me, have a look. Your life and sock drawer will be changed forever.

The only reason I would be in any way saddened or disappointed by the disappearance of The Sun is that no longer shall young boys have that experience; playing in the woods and stumbling across an old bin filled with damp, yellowing Page 3s. When you would all huddle round and gawp and "phwoar" at things you wouldn't have a clue what to do with back then (And probably now, because you're a virgin. Nyah nyah nah nah nah!).

A perfect coupling of boyhood bonding, outdoor adventures and awkward sexual awakening. And what have we traded it for? A cold, indoor search engine in which all roads lead to porn. No need to go outside and catch infections off of rusty nails kids; Uncle Google will teach you about the birds and the bees. You don't need the Sun children; you need to sit, hunched over in the darkness of your room, your hand slowly curling into a sticky, arthritic claw, your bladder distended from urine retention and your eyes wide and unable to sleep for the titillating images that flash before you, burned on to your frontal lobe like a cattle brand, but with way more bukkake.

Soon this will be us all. Our hands evolved into self lubricating tubes and our eyes milky white, adapted to a singular light source, lidless and ever staring. Subterranean creatures above ground. And all the while The Sun burns out and into oblivion. And we stare on. Unknowing. Uncaring.

Basically what I'm saying is I learned everything I know about sex from The Sun.

Also I am single. Ladies.

(Editor: Glenn, when the World Future Society asked you for your own take on the ascension of humanity in years to come I don't think they quite had this in mind. Also please come out of your room. Your parents are worried and the neighbours are complaining about the groaning)  

The Westboro Baptist Church Does Not Know How To "Cult"

The WBC has always been a funny lot. "Well no shit Glenn," you might say, "and Hitler was a bit of a scallywag." I don't just mean that they are probably, highly likely to be, mentally ill on a drastic level. I mean that many of their positions and actions don't really make sense considering what we know about them. Their founder Fred Phelps was very much the same.

Seen here posing for "signsfordickheads.com"

By the look of this man with his shark eyes and gaping maw which no doubt saw the blood of many a surprised Kansas cow, you wouldn't think he was an anti-racism lawyer during the days of the civil rights movement. And yet here we are; discussing the antics of a group he founded that regularly makes a habit out of emblazoning the word "FAG" on pieces of card.

I'll just leave this here.

I came across the above video today and of course I watched it because I find the folly of man hilarious. The guy being interviewed is Steve Drain, whose name is a joke in and of itself so I wont even bother (making up jokes is a DRAIN on my energy... wait... shit). On top of that he may also be the most boring member of the WBC in existence, and as such probably sounds far more reasonable than most of them. Which makes the fact that they made him their spokesperson here a fairly smart move considering the others would probably have attacked and burned the camera for the crime of witchcraft. Also Shirley Phelps is a living cadaver.

I'm certain I saw her in a mirror at Glamis Castle.

As mentally ill as he clearly is you can actually learn a lot from listening to him about how they seem to differ so much from other cults. For one thing, they actually seem to understand both the Bible AND politics on a higher level than many of their Tea Party counterparts. For example, they care little about the whole "separation of church and state" issue, which their right wing colleagues repeatedly deny the existence of. They could care less if the government makes anything legal or illegal because they don't care about government. They only care about spreading the "truth". And as this brainwashed individual said at the end of the video, Jesus could be described as more of a socialist than a capitalist. A claim that would make the Tea Party shit themselves in dismay.

The thing is, usually when people read the Bible and understand it to anywhere near this level they become atheist, or at the very least non-religious. Because it's easy to see the hypocrisy in the followers and the frequent contradictions in the text.

The other thing that's interesting about them is that unlike many religious organizations (Read: Cults), such as the Church of Scientology, they have no desire to smear or stalk members that leave them. In the video, Mr Steve Plughole speaks about his daughter leaving the church. And whilst he refuses flat out to say he still loves her (or, conversely, that he has disowned her entirely) he still doesn't care to say much of anything negative about her. Just that she made her choice. Whereas if this were the Church of Scientology, you can be sure that they would've called her up at 3:00 am to make threats, raked through her bins for blackmail material, killed her dog, sent Tom Cruise to jump on her couch, etc.

This is what cults do! And yet the WBC seem to have this strange policy of "live and let live" whilst at the same time protesting funerals and LGBT anything. They are honestly one of the weirdest cults ever, because whilst they share so many things in common with others, there are many things that are so DIFFERENT about them.

If the WBC really wanted to up their cult rep then they would go out in a fiery blaze during a siege with the ATF surrounded by pregnant women, or at the very least one of their leaders should be outed for multiple child molestations. Because when cults are started, you can almost be guaranteed that it's because the leader wants to get laid. What we have with the WBC is a group whose leader actually believed what he was saying and believed in his cause. Which is probably why they're so weirdly different in the long run.  

These people should be studied, because they may actually be the closest thing to being TRUE Christians in this day and age. Now I get moderate Christians may come after me for saying that but let's be honest; they're interpreting the Bible more closely than any of you are (though he still makes that argument that Jesus nullified things in the Old Testament with his coming, which is weird considering the whole anti-gay thing comes from the Old Testament). The WBC should be watched because they are an example of what the religion often truly says.