Some critics are idiots, and here's why:
This is how a friend of mine suggested that I begin this post. The other one was "10 Reasons the Critics Got it Wrong!!! - #7 May Shock You!", but I would rather die of dysentery in a Calcutta latrine than sully my already laughable blog with such a title/opening. So it was either the former or this wouldn't have had an introduction, which would have troubled me deeply for some reason.
Anyways, I watched these two films. Let me tell you what I thought in unnecessary detail.
"Gods of Egypt" is a 2016 film directed by Alex Proyas; the man who brought us "The Crow", "Dark City" and, unfortunately, "Knowing" starring Nicolas Cage; a film with an intriguing premise which eventually amounted to nothing more than a two hour Shaggy God Story (a story which ends with the twist "Holy Cow! It's Adam and Eve!" before the editor of the 1950s sci-fi magazine the story was sent to crumples it up and hurls it into the wastebasket to be fed to hogs later).
As you can probably tell by the hilariously overproduced advertising art the film sports, my friend and I picked this one up expecting it to be the Turkey of 2016. We expected a film awash with over-the-top CGI effects, hammy performances, shit green screen and hilarious representations of Egyptian Gods. We were, of course, not disappointed. However what we didn't expect was to actually enjoy the film.
For all the moments of video game environments that shift from a desert to a swamp in a matter of mere seconds; for all the scenery chewing hamminess that would give Brian Blessed an embarrassed chubby the size of the average Mars volcano; for all the Shakespeare wannabe dialogue and a plot that becomes so blurry towards the end that you might as well watch an episode of Spartacus while jacked to hell on street grade heroin.... I actually really fucking enjoyed it.
The friend I was watching it with at the time is big into his ancient mythologies so picking up a movie that actually sort of faithfully makes use of Egyptian myths by way of typical Hollywood "subtle as a shovel to the face from an un-medicated Randy Quaid" style of film making was actually the highlight of our weekend.
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| Picture of Randy Quaid just because |
The film opens with an almost showdown style CGI brawl between Set (GeRAAAAARRRd Butler) and Horus (The Kingslayer). Now normally I would say that the film blew its load early, however whilst it DID blow it's load pretty damn early, it continues to blow its load over the next two hours until the TV is bulging at the seams with sticky white entertainment.
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| Picture of Nick Manning just because |
Now beyond all that I think that the actors and - to at least some extent - the writing do a good job of creating some decent chemistry between the characters. Each Egyptian God has their own unique personality (with Chadwick Boseman as Thoth, the God of Wisdom being a stand out favourite of mine) and there are some genuinely funny moments to enjoy as you wait for the next scene in which Horus fights two women riding on the backs of giant cobras and that may be the most awesome sentence I have ever typed.
Now look, it's not going to win any awards any time soon and nor should it. However in a time of mediocre reimaginings of old franchises, bland stories filled with stock characters and so little personality they feel as though they've been ripped right off a conveyor belt in a Gilliam-esque bureaucratic dystopia; seeing something that actually seems to be having fun with itself and its own ideas, something that gives off an almost old school fantasy vibe... well it's refreshing. I don't know about you but I'm not exactly on the edge of my fucking seat for "Back to the Future: The Recycling" or what-the-fuck-ever. I'd personally rather watch Geoffrey Rush as the God Ra shooting fire at a giant lamprey while dressed as the Space Pope.
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Ye best start believin' in GOD stories!
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Well we could channel the left wing version of Archie Bunker and proclaim loudly that there are too many white people here! Of course! Pretty mental though eh? I didn't know Sadiq Khan was writing film reviews.
I mean it's one thing complaining about the "whitewashing" of the yet-to-be-made "Akira" live action film. "Akira" is an authentically Japanese story, even without the tentacles. So it shouldn't exactly be a surprise to Hollywood that people would expect the film to actually contain Japanese people. However when we're talking about an original film that makes use of mythology from a nation of people who, scientists pretty much admit, we don't know the fucking race of.... well I'm sorry Mr Virtuous, you've been forcefully conscripted into the learning support division of the Fun Police. You are now Police Constable Buzzkill of the Social Justice Branch and fuck you for making me bring up race politics in a goddamn film review.
To cap that part off, I do recommend getting a bunch of friends round and checking out "Gods of Egypt". It's like if "Exodus: Gods and Kings" were written by a hyperactive, autistic 12 year old boy. Or to be more specific - it's like if "Exodus: God's and Kings" wasn't a long, dreary, boring waste of my fucking time. Oh look; even that film got a higher RT rating than "Gods of Egypt". What a surprise.
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| (Slurping sounds from under the table) |
Speaking of films that undeservedly got a higher RT rating than "Gods of Egypt" (though admittedly, not by much either); let's move on to The Wachowski's most recent effort "Jupiter Ascending". This was another viewing suggestion from my friend over the weekend in question and clearly he used up all his luck on "Gods of Egypt" because this film was like taking all the shittest ideas from Space Opera's past and stitching them all together like Josef Mengele at a Twins Festival.
It stars Mila Kunis as Jupiter Jones - whose name I'm not even going to bother to make fun of - a Russian immigrant who spends her time scrubbing toilets to help her family make ends meet. In the process of trying to sell her egg cells at a clinic Jupiter is saved from an attack by Cain Wise (Channing Tatum) who is part dog and also later part bird somehow. Caine takes her to see Stinger (Sean Bean) who is apparently part Bee. I didn't know this until I read the synopsis on Wikipedia. I'm guessing they were too ashamed to mention it. Anyways, something, something, Jupiter owns the planet Earth.
I'm not even sure where the fuck to begin with this because the whole movie is "Flash Gordon" as written by Stephanie Meyer. It's quite uncanny actually; the dull female lead character who's built up to be this all important, fantastic individual but... isn't - check. A bulky, stoic and emotionally distant love interest whose relationship with the lead character teeters obliviously on the brink of bestiality - check. Following that, absolutely no chemistry between the romantic leads - check. World mythology that reads like the foggy, hormone laden scrawling in a teenage girl's diary for future uploading to Fanfiction.net - check. An ineffectual lead villain played by a British actor whose performance is so perplexing it almost barrels cock first into the realm of utter genius....
Check and Mate my fuckin' beauties! Hell, maybe Lana and Lily Wachowski should've kept their balls in a small container near their word processor reading "Break Glass in Case of Emergency". Maybe next time whatever they write wont resemble a barely pubescent girl's wet dream.
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| Only seen the first episode; my review so far is a bored shrug |
Speaking of Eddie Redmayne's performance; I honestly can't understand how the Wachowskis even got that out of him. What possible combination of words and phrases could they have used that would have possibly driven him to deliver such a puzzling act?
"Okay Eddie, this'll be our first rehearsal. What we'd like from you is to deliver your lines whilst channeling a combination of Roman Emperor, tired cancer patient and elderly ostrich. Occasionally we'd like you to shriek out your lines, seemingly at random, and when you do really force it out like you're trying to shit a 90s desktop PC monitor. I wanna see some forehead veins Eddie, come on!"
Narratively and stylistically this film is all over the place. The aliens are varied but there's no real coherence. Some aliens resemble the standard "Greys" with almost bird like legs, others are generally human and many are simply weird animal human hybrids. This wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing (the elephant pilot is a highlight) but the film doesn't really explain its universe very well. Everything just rushes past and you're forced to just accept the fact that Sean Bean is part honeybee and that said bees swarm towards Jupiter because they're "programmed to sense royalty" (which, despite being part bee himself, Sean Bean wasn't able to figure out within seconds of meeting her).
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| Special Guest Star - John Merrick |
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| Terry Gilliam, seen here measuring your power level |
The word "why" is probably buzzing through your grey matter like a swarm of bees with Sean Bean's face horrifically planted on to each and every one of them. It was with me too. I assume the Wachowskis just found him pottering around near the set with a rusted out tin mug, begging for coins to finally pay for that "Don Quixote" film that God seems dead set on not ever letting us see, so they just decided to put him in the film. And despite how out of place it is, it's probably the best scene in the movie. Proving that a little Terry Gilliam always makes things better WARNER BROTHERS!
One thing particularly puzzling about the reception to this film (other than the inexplicable 10% higher approval rating over "Gods of Egypt") is the more positive response among "a niche of female science fiction fans who appreciated the film's campiness and the film's deviation from typical gender stereotypes in a genre that is traditionally male-centered."
Now you all know how I feel about gender politics in fiction in general, but I don't really care that much. At least SOMEONE'S having fun with this. I just find it funny considering throughout the film Jupiter Jones as a character does the precise square route of FUCK ALL except get herself into situations that force the main male lead to swoop in and save her at regular intervals. Having said that:
"Donna Dickens of HitFix.com noted that many viewers found the film attractive for providing "the wish-fulfillment of prepubescent girls". Dickens explained that where Hollywood typically portrays strong women in action films as "Arnold Schwarzenegger with boobs", Jupiter Ascending presents Kunis' character differently. "Women don't always want superhuman robots to look up to. We want to be the same klutzy nobody who is cosseted and petted and told we're special – despite all evidence to the contrary," she wrote."
That's.... actually quite accurate really. Guys and girls have very different ideas of "wish fulfillment." Guys want to save and girls want to be saved. Doesn't make one weaker or more dominant than the other. It's just how we're built.
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| Like how I was built for the couch and you were built for the kitchen! |
However when all your female character does is stand around like a dolt while her man rushes over to rescue her for the 100th time in the flick and not much else.... well I start to care less because I realize that this character, whose importance you've been bigging up this entire film so far, isn't as important or interesting as you've let on. It's one of the many problems with both "Twilight" (all of the bastards) and "Snow White and the Huntsman", and at least those films had the excuse of having cast Kristen Stewart - whose best performance was in "Panic Room" because she spent most of her time in a diabetic trance and it lent itself very well to her acting ability.
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"Are you okay Kristen?"
"Why does everyone keep asking me that!?"
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"Jupiter Ascending" however is just incoherent, loud and generally unfunny. It doesn't quite know what the hell it wants to be and it explains so little about itself that you just end up giving up about halfway through. The ultimate travesty of this film being that Eddie Redmayne wasn't in it enough for me to stare at like a sideshow freak.
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| Picture of Eddie Redmayne just because |
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