Oh look, it's time for another episode of "The Critics are Wrong", the show where I express a contrarian opinion to distract myself from my inevitable hearse ride to Hell.
(SPOILER WARNING FROM HERE ON OUT)
Let me take this moment to fanboy for a second and state emphatically that I LOVE the original "Blade Runner." I'm certainly not alone on that so that's a minus on the contrarian scale, but there's probably no more unique, stunningly crafted, timeless and multi-layered movie that Hollywood has ever produced. At the risk of over-hyping the movie for those who've never seen it, it is a masterpiece.
Simple and complex all at the same time, searingly beautiful visuals that stand up to (and are often superior to) anything you'll see on the screen today, a gorgeous Vangelis soundtrack that'll haunt your ear drums like a sonic phantom, a story that's steeped in meaning whilst still remaining entertaining and performances - the stand out being Rutger Hauer whose own improvisations led to one of the most well known and hauntingly beautiful lines in the movie - that you'll remember until they stuff you into the back of that aforementioned hearse to be driven to the processing facility and turned into nutritious feed for the ever-growing population of welfare-recipients that will no doubt frequent the horrid future that awaits us.
Yes, that got dark, but you shouldn't even be reading this. You should be watching one of the many versions of Blade Runner that are out there, all of which - yes even the Theatrical Cut with its droning narration performed as an afterthought by a fed-up Harrison Ford at the behest of the movie studio, and that makes use of outtake footage from The Shining at the end - are worth looking at. Because they are all Blade Runner. And bare in mind this was at a time when Ridley Scott was churning out classic movies like "Alien" and "Black Rain".
A time before he seemed to collapse under the weight of his own ego and started giving us bloated "epics" that Cecil B. DeMille wouldn't wipe his dick clean with (and quite frankly, if you don't like Black Rain then you are wrong and your parents did a terrible job raising you).
Speaking of which (Bloated epics, not your neglectful parents); Blade Runner 2049. This didn't need to happen. That's really the short version. Of all the things that didn't need to happen, this didn't need to happen the most. And I say that at a time when the only thing more common in Hollywood than cabals of industry pedophiles is sequels to classic franchises. And quite frankly Corey Feldman should get his priorities straight. More people had to sit through Jurassic World than do a striptease for Kevin Spacey, Corey. Needs of the many and all that.
If you want a more in-depth review then here goes:
It's overlong, boring, filled with dramatic pauses between lines that fedora wearing film-school rejects think is the pinnacle of artistry and a villain that's so invisible that the film might as well not even have one. It completely foregoes the film-noir style of the original, and whereas the original was a small scale movie with big scale themes, this film is a big scale movie with little to no meaning. You've probably heard this criticism before but I happen to agree with it:
This was a fanfic. An expensive, somewhat pretty and well produced fanfic. But a fanfic nonetheless. Which is weird when you consider one of the screenwriters was Hampton Fancher, the co-writer of the original film alongside David Peoples. And it's clear that what we lost in David Peoples' absence, we gained in 80ft hologram women.
And speaking of holographic women; Ryan Gosling (who plays 'K', a replicant Blade Runner) has a hologram waifu. This is where the 'fanficcy' aspects of this film properly come to light, as this over-extended romance sub-plot targets the cringe centers of your brain with laser precision. I was thinking that what the original needed was more excruciatingly long scenes of a hologram woman hiring prostitutes so her owner could pretend to fuck her. At least in the original when Rick Deckard bedded a replicant it conjured questions of what it means to be human and whether a robot could ever be considered human. Here the only questions I have are related to why I'm watching what is clearly a sci-fi soap opera based on ideas from Deviantart.
It ends clearly gunning for a sequel with the suggestion of a full blown "revolution" amongst the replicants, with the daughter of Deckard and Rachel from the original put across as some kind of messiah for them. Oh yeah, Rick fucked a robot and she got pregnant. Fanfic levels: 100%.
The thing is when I said this didn't need to happen, I absolutely meant that. Because apart from anything else... Blade Runner HAS a sequel. But no one really knew it was a sequel.
That movie was "Soldier", starring Kurt Russell.
Why is it a sequel? Well for one thing it was written by David Peoples (the last movie he was credited on according to Wikipedia). And it is set in the same universe. Don't believe me? Have a look at this screenshot:
(SPOILER WARNING FROM HERE ON OUT)
Let me take this moment to fanboy for a second and state emphatically that I LOVE the original "Blade Runner." I'm certainly not alone on that so that's a minus on the contrarian scale, but there's probably no more unique, stunningly crafted, timeless and multi-layered movie that Hollywood has ever produced. At the risk of over-hyping the movie for those who've never seen it, it is a masterpiece.
Simple and complex all at the same time, searingly beautiful visuals that stand up to (and are often superior to) anything you'll see on the screen today, a gorgeous Vangelis soundtrack that'll haunt your ear drums like a sonic phantom, a story that's steeped in meaning whilst still remaining entertaining and performances - the stand out being Rutger Hauer whose own improvisations led to one of the most well known and hauntingly beautiful lines in the movie - that you'll remember until they stuff you into the back of that aforementioned hearse to be driven to the processing facility and turned into nutritious feed for the ever-growing population of welfare-recipients that will no doubt frequent the horrid future that awaits us.
Yes, that got dark, but you shouldn't even be reading this. You should be watching one of the many versions of Blade Runner that are out there, all of which - yes even the Theatrical Cut with its droning narration performed as an afterthought by a fed-up Harrison Ford at the behest of the movie studio, and that makes use of outtake footage from The Shining at the end - are worth looking at. Because they are all Blade Runner. And bare in mind this was at a time when Ridley Scott was churning out classic movies like "Alien" and "Black Rain".
A time before he seemed to collapse under the weight of his own ego and started giving us bloated "epics" that Cecil B. DeMille wouldn't wipe his dick clean with (and quite frankly, if you don't like Black Rain then you are wrong and your parents did a terrible job raising you).
Speaking of which (Bloated epics, not your neglectful parents); Blade Runner 2049. This didn't need to happen. That's really the short version. Of all the things that didn't need to happen, this didn't need to happen the most. And I say that at a time when the only thing more common in Hollywood than cabals of industry pedophiles is sequels to classic franchises. And quite frankly Corey Feldman should get his priorities straight. More people had to sit through Jurassic World than do a striptease for Kevin Spacey, Corey. Needs of the many and all that.
If you want a more in-depth review then here goes:
It's overlong, boring, filled with dramatic pauses between lines that fedora wearing film-school rejects think is the pinnacle of artistry and a villain that's so invisible that the film might as well not even have one. It completely foregoes the film-noir style of the original, and whereas the original was a small scale movie with big scale themes, this film is a big scale movie with little to no meaning. You've probably heard this criticism before but I happen to agree with it:
This was a fanfic. An expensive, somewhat pretty and well produced fanfic. But a fanfic nonetheless. Which is weird when you consider one of the screenwriters was Hampton Fancher, the co-writer of the original film alongside David Peoples. And it's clear that what we lost in David Peoples' absence, we gained in 80ft hologram women.
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| Say what you want - the "Giantess" crowd will love it. |
And speaking of holographic women; Ryan Gosling (who plays 'K', a replicant Blade Runner) has a hologram waifu. This is where the 'fanficcy' aspects of this film properly come to light, as this over-extended romance sub-plot targets the cringe centers of your brain with laser precision. I was thinking that what the original needed was more excruciatingly long scenes of a hologram woman hiring prostitutes so her owner could pretend to fuck her. At least in the original when Rick Deckard bedded a replicant it conjured questions of what it means to be human and whether a robot could ever be considered human. Here the only questions I have are related to why I'm watching what is clearly a sci-fi soap opera based on ideas from Deviantart.
It ends clearly gunning for a sequel with the suggestion of a full blown "revolution" amongst the replicants, with the daughter of Deckard and Rachel from the original put across as some kind of messiah for them. Oh yeah, Rick fucked a robot and she got pregnant. Fanfic levels: 100%.
The thing is when I said this didn't need to happen, I absolutely meant that. Because apart from anything else... Blade Runner HAS a sequel. But no one really knew it was a sequel.
That movie was "Soldier", starring Kurt Russell.
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Drink in the 90s everyone.
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Notice the "Battle at Tannhauser Gate"? Now go back to Rutger Hauer's famous "Tears in the Rain" scene and listen to him. As it happens there's also a "Spinner" vehicle from Blade Runner hidden in the film.
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| Right there in the middle. |
Now hold on. I know what you're thinking as you're browsing the Wikipedia article and YouTube clips of this movie. Yes, this film bombed at the box-office (making around 14 million back of its 60 million budget), yes it's directed by stupidity genius Paul W.S Anderson who brought us Milla Jovovich's acting talent and a "Resident Evil" adaptation where more people were killed by a sci-fi laser trap than any of the zombies, yes some of the sets look like they were built with cardboard by an autistic ten year old. I totally understand all of those things, I really do. But hear me out for a second, because there are genuinely many things to like about this film.
Firstly, ignore the interior sets, they don't look great. But check out the exterior sets of the garbage planet the story is set in:
60 million or no, that shit is fucking cool.
Then there's the premise: Kurt Russell plays Sergeant Todd, the titular Soldier who has been trained to be one since the moment he was able to walk, and perhaps earlier. This is a guy who's known violence and nothing but since before learning to tie his own shoelaces. Not love, not compassion, nothing but war.
After losing a fight to a genetically modified soldier (making him and his brethren obsolete) he is mistaken for being dead and dumped on a garbage planet where he is found by a group of settlers who crash landed there years ago. It's here that Sergeant Todd has finally use his skills and abilities not just for murder and mayhem, but for the good of people he will ultimately come to care for.
There are ideas here. Themes. Yes, I think Paul Anderson may have had a hand in making some uncredited changes to the script, perhaps to make it more commercial and dumb it down a bit, but David Peoples' influence is still there, and it elevates what could have been a run of the mill action flick to something that is dangerously close to actually having a message. I mean look at the opening:
Not the full opening unfortunately. But look past the over-bearing soundtrack. These are guys who have been taught to kill the target NO MATTER WHAT. Yes, even if there's a screaming innocent woman in front of the target, you fucking shoot and you shrug it off like it's nothing. There's another part (not in the clip) where we see a teenage Todd running along with a group of boys. But one lags behind, which results in a jeep pulling, a man getting out and shooting the kid dead off screen. All the while Todd and the group keep going.
Never reacting. Always moving. This is normal. Soldiers die. This is war.
You don't SEE this in movies now. And when you do it's usually some watered down 'Hunger Games' bullshit where a spear wound in the chest generates the same amount of blood as the average nosebleed and all the kids look about 25 anyway. There's genuine horror here and Kurt Russell, despite a stoic performance, does a great job in making you empathize with what is essentially a cold-hearted killing machine.
Now is this film flawed? FUCK yes it is. Many of the interiors look like they were crafted in an episode of "Art Attack". It's filled with cheesy moments and like I said earlier, I'm pretty convinced Paul Anderson dumbed it down considerably. But god help me I like a lot of that stuff. I like the 90s action nostalgia, I like the cheese, I like the fact that Kurt Russell kills a guy and a fucking fireball shoots up behind him to highlight how cunting badass this whole thing is.
AND I LIKE THIS FUCKING LINE:
If you don't, if you think it's cheesy and overly macho and perpetuates toxic masculinity or some other such gender studies bullshit, then fuck you. Your T-Level count resides in the lowest regions of Hell, being corn-holed by sand-paper dicked imps. You're a waste of my time.
So.... how did the films each fair up in the critic's estimations. As if you didn't know already:
Universal acclaim for a two and half hour, pretentious bore-fest. Meanwhile the one that's actually entertaining, albeit flawed, gets no recognition. Look, say what you want about "Soldier", but it doesn't outstay its welcome, it moves along nicely and best of all... it doesn't try to follow on from the movie it shares a universe with. It doesn't step on the original's toes.
Soldier is Blade Runner's semi-retarded brother. But it's the kind of semi-retarded brother you'll ride the short bus to school with every day. And not because your mum told you to... but because you love him. And you'll defend him with your last breath.
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| "I like dinosaurs." - Actual Quote |
