Men. They're just awful aren't they? Now, now, don't get me wrong. When I say "all men are awful" I don't mean to say I hate men or anything. I mean that societal norms make men awful. Make no mistake, it may seem as though things like street harassment and sexual assault are widely condemned to an almost hysterical level in western democracies, but quite frankly that is a ruse. Sure "Women and Children First" may have seemed to some like a benevolent rule created by men for the benefit of those they considered worthy of protection and therefore proof of the high regard women have had in society for centuries; but take a closer look at it. Are we really considering men taking away a woman's choice to drown herself and possibly her children aboard a sinking ship as some sort of good natured act?
Wake up ladies. What you may see through the tears in your eyes as you sail away on the overly crowded lifeboat watching your husband of many years slowly sink to a briny death at the bottom of the sea, sacrificing his life for that of you and his children is in fact a calculated, patriarchal act. He is saying "You are not allowed to die. You must continue to cook, clean and generally sacrifice time you could have otherwise have spent partying, having one-night stands and becoming a CEO of a major company to care for my spawn. My spawn who will either grow up to be a patriarchal male or an oppressed female proletariat. And when you die, having continued this cycle, we shall meet again in the afterlife where you shall serve me for all eternity." Some might call it "playing the long game". I call it misogyny from beyond the grave.
It is a ruse that the BBC (once again, not just fingering, but outright sexually assaulting that societal pulse) continues to perpetuate, seemingly pushing for further action against the epidemic women are facing.
At first glance this is a definite win. These measures seem totalitarian enough to not only "eliminate sexual harassment of women and girls by 2030" but to outright exert control over society for the full on benefit of the feminine class. I mean, hell, I didn't even know pornography on public transport was even a problem.And consulting women's groups before licensing strip clubs? Let me ask you; is there anything MORE feminist than controlling whether women get jobs or not?
Pictured: "Brave Feminist Warrior Explains to Women Why They
Should be Unemployed" - 1922 (Colourized)
But again, I ask you to wake up my feminine brethren, for the BBC is naught but a wolf in sheep's clothing. These recommendations may seem invasive to a level approaching the East German Stasi but I tell you it isn't enough! Men will simply resort to viewing porn in the privacy of their homes! They will pay sky writers to illustrate finely detailed murals of their penises in smoke trails over the houses of their targets!
Ban pornography you say? Sure. But be ready for a black market in Japanese art the likes of which you have never seen, sisters.
I'm probably on a watch list now.
"But what CAN we do?" I hear you shriek horrifically. Well, it's simply a question of what is proven to get things done. And anyone who has been following the Brett Kavanaugh proceedings over in America knows, there is but one thing that has proven to be effective in changing the public's perception time and time again. Mobs of highly emotional activists.
And as we all know, this resulted in the government overturning the nomination and the public voting for exactly who we wanted them to vote for. People respect passion. Mentally ill levels of passion. They respect political fervor to the point of utterly terrifying extremist action. Thus my proposal to change men's attitudes towards women indefinitely: Each man will be assigned a feminist activist with a megaphone. Upon leaving their house this feminist will follow him wherever he goes and if ever he appears to have an impure thought the feminist will shriek chants and slogans through the megaphone directly into his ear, resulting in a negative association with impure thoughts towards women as well as an overall more positive outlook on women as a group probably. Also severe hearing damage. But that's what they get for being born with a dick.
…….
Speaking of which you're probably wondering how these feminists will know whether a man has committed a sin of the mind. Well we all know that men will immediately disrobe, swing from lampposts and hoot like a baboon if they so much as see a woman but there are some men who are able to control their natural urges to the point where it cannot be immediately spotted with the naked eye. Thus I come to my second proposal: We create a device specifically designed to wrap around the male penis; like a cock ring but with small spikes on the inside to read muscle movement and blood distribution.
U.N Human Rights Council Approved
Whenever the man catches sight of an object of his desire - such as a woman, a child, a horse, etc - the device will send a signal to a small beeping box inside the feminist's hand, thus foiling the man's chances of mental respite for one second of the day. Now some may be questioning the feasibility of this plan considering only around 9% of women in the UK, for example, consider themselves to be feminist; meaning there is a deficit of women who might be willing to harass men on a regular basis for the cause.Well this simply says to me that we are in more dire need of feminism now than in any other time of history; and it is disheartening to see women turning their backs on the collective. This of course leads me to my third proposal: We train women to be feminists by assigning multiple women to one man, showing them the beauty of sisterly cooperation by having them shriek incessantly at men they don't know for things they may or may not have thought or done at some point. And in order to protect the new recruits from the daggers of the Male Gaze they will be permitted to cover their feminine forms with loose fitting opaque overalls. The following is a photoshop artist's representation of what this proposal will look like:
Whilst chatting with a colleague at my day job of throwing bagged fish at Asian people, the topic of our music tastes came up. Anyone who knows me knows that whilst my taste is fairly eclectic (I've seen both Clutch and Toto live) I tend to favor 70s and 80s hard rock and heavy metal.
In the midst of our conversation in which my colleague expressed her liking for bands like Mindless Self Indulgence, Slipknot, etc - I brought up my own tastes, at which point my colleague looked at me with genuine inquisitiveness and said: "Glenn... do you like any... modern bands?" I wrack my brains for a couple of moments. As I slowly come to the realization that I honest to god can't think of a single band I like that was formed within, say, the last five years, I could feel the follicles in my hair greying before their time; my prostate swelling to the size of a basket ball; my IPhone filled with music morphing into a cumbersome LP collection (thank God) and my pockets filling with Werther's Originals to hand out to children before being arrested because I'm old and I don't understand that people find that creepy now. Seriously. Not one. I mean it's not like this was something new or anything. I was often referred to as the "40 Year Old Child" by my grouchy, Irish twat of a high school guitar teacher due to my music taste that's so old it collects its pension once a week and freezes to death if you leave the window open for too long. But it was in this one moment that it kind of struck me: I don't like any modern bands.
Some may sympathize with me on this. New music is annoying, repetitive, shallow and often vomited forth by plastic humans with resting bitch face, usually having been selected on a glorified TV talent show by intolerable corporate cocksuckers and occasionally Tom Jones after losing a fight with a tanning bed.
But music is more than just what's in the charts. Do you think Black Sabbath were doing the rounds on national TV when they were churning out their first few classic albums? God no. So quite frankly, if I don't have any new bands that I enjoy listening to then... well I just haven't been paying attention. I haven't looked hard enough. So I decided that's what I would do. I would have a look and see if there were any bands I like that have started up in the last decade.
So in my initial search I came across one pretty quickly. A Swedish, retro-metal group known as Enforcer.
Aside from the blistering riffage and ear piercing, high pitched vocals... ladies and gentlemen; this is how you make a music video. A band drenched in dry ice thicker than Mumbai smog, shots of ominous graveyards and a haggard looking blonde chick drenched in blood whilst engaging in some vague, occult sex ritual. Good wholesome shit. Like back in the old days damn it.
Trouble is I wasn't even sure if this counted. I mean they're modern, they started up recently; but they ARE retro metal. They pretty much sound like Angel Witch or Grim Reaper. Needed to find something more contemporary. This is when I came across a band known as Lullacry, through their cover of one of my favourite songs, "L.O.V.E Machine" by the inimitable W.A.S.P.
So this was a mistake. If you're going to check out new bands the last thing you want to do is listen to their cover of a song you like, because it's automatically going to rub you up the wrong way when they fuck it up. Case in point: obligatory, obnoxious down-tuning and equally obnoxious vocal inflections coming from the lead vocalist who honestly sounds like she's in the wrong band. She sounds like she should be in a 90s girl group who gained fleeting popularity before disintegrating and then resurfacing a decade or two later to play to clubs full of 30-40 year olds who liked them as teenagers and are only showing up to try and recapture the nostalgia of a time when they weren't bleary eyed, medicated failures.
I looked at some of their other stuff but it's pretty much the same. Plus the lead singer reminds me of an old flat mate of mine.
Not going into that. But here's where the title of the post comes in, as well as me being exposed as having the attention span of an autistic cocker spaniel. I decided to start searching for modern metal bands that were fronted by, or consisted entirely of women. Because goddammit, this is a problem. The lack of women in the heavy metal scene is just atrocious and needs to be rectified.
I mean I know I could just sit back and enjoy the music but how am I supposed to do that when the genitals of the musicians are right there, staring me in the face? Quite frankly this is the problem with male sexual organs being on the outside of the body; you have absolutely no choice other than to focus on them, even when it has nothing to do with the piece of art in question. I know that I, personally, cannot listen to a Judas Priest album without imagining Rob Halford's leather bound junk swinging back and forth like sweaty, sensual pendulums as the adrenaline of the music pumps blood through his thick, veiny shaft....
I forgot where I was going with this. Look the point is that the gender of the musician matters somehow damn it. And the entire genre has to change in order to deal with MY obsession.
Having said that, there have been plenty of female metal bands/artists in the past, and I aim to shine some light upon them, whilst also bringing to you this late 2017 article from hercampus.com. Which itself aims to introduce you to 6 female fronted metal bands that will "rock your socks off".
See, right there, that's it, that's what you want to do if you wish to bring more women into the scene. Soften the image. These bands wont tear your head off, they wont rip your heart out and feed it to starving dogs, they wont make you headbang until your eyes pop out of your sockets, nor will they force you down on your knees in preparation for Satan's gnarled mast of evil. They will simply rock your socks off. That's all. Don't worry ladies. We are here to protect your fragile brains.
Gurrll power. ".... we find that all female Rock/Metal bands are sparse. While we do have some exceptions like the all-female Metal band Girlschool from London, we do tend to see an alarming rate of male dominance in the Heavy Metal subculture."
I too find it alarming when people make a free choice to contribute to a genre and work their way up in a meritocratic system. Or not as the case may be. See this is why free choice is overrated folks. People consistently do the opposite of what you want them to do and it fucks everything up. How are we supposed to reach my idea of gender parity when WOMEN keep ruining it by NOT joining heavy metal bands? I'm just saying women need to be a tad more submissive and start doing as I tell them. Not asking for much here.
But let's not dilly dally any further. Let's see what kind of HEAVY METAL hercampus.com is serving us today.
1. NEW YEARS DAY
Now I know what you're thinking: "Glenn, this isn't metal. This is Scene music. The product of edgy goth culture and cutesy nerd culture, perpetuated by the sort of people with Twitter handles like "ZombiUnicorn", who worship Tim Burton like a deity and compare complex political issues to events in Harry Potter novels."
Some may say that they're ripping off Evanescence, but that can't possibly be true because no one in their right mind would want to rip off Evanescence.
Wasn't kidding by the way.
Well right now I imagine you are on your knees, hands clasped together like a nun thanking me from the bottom of your soul for introducing you to this groundbreaking, woman fronted metal act. So here's my own contribution for this entry: Lee Aaron's "Metal Queen". A song that proves, for all of New Years Day's glossy production values, that all you need to be a metal God is a set from a 60s TV show and a large mechanized spider for your drummer to sit in.
2. ICON FOR HIRE
So this entry starts off well.... "While Icon For Hire would not be a band that would necessarily be classified as Metal; it is definitely one worth mentioning." Right on sister! Who cares about definitions and stuff!? Who says I should stick to metal bands in my list of metal bands?! The Patriarchy, that's who!
Beyond the band's in no way self-aggrandizing nomenclature of "Icon For Hire", we can all tell that leader Ariel Bloomer is a strong and independent wammin, who don't need no man. Not merely for her non-metal band being so powerful that it has the ability to be included on a list of top metal bands, but for her pioneering attitude. Specifically for "capitalizing on the fact that she is a female surrounded by a male-dominated industry."
In the song Ariel laments that her group is often pushed as a "Female fronted band", as if women making music is a rare phenomenon akin to a Blood Moon; which would seem to contradict the claim that she is "capitalizing" on the fact that she's a woman. But the fact is that Ariel is angry. Angry at what she perceives is a lack of a level playing field in a music industry that's so male dominated that people concluded that Lady Gaga must have had a dick to have gotten so popular.
This was a period in history.
So angry, in fact, that she and her gang of Hot Topic revolutionaries kidnap a child and drive her out to the desert for some bad dancing and mindless destruction. Whereas in real life this young girl probably would have been killed, hollowed out and filled with drugs to be transported across the border, here Ariel and her clown car compadres destroy gender specific toys without once ever cracking a smile or displaying any vaguely human movements or behaviors; which works considering the music sounds like the T-800 having a stroke.
After this barrage of colorful imagery culminates in a pink mushroom cloud, the group returns the girl to her cul-de-sac and her no-doubt terrified parents, and instead of speeding away like the criminals they clearly are, decide to start up a small concert in the street in the middle of the night as grown men and women in onesies appear on their driveways. The girl's friends rush out to meet her and dance to the music, relieved to see their friend home safe. At which point I imagine the father, taking in the multi-colored, obnoxiously bizarre scene in front of him, leaning over to his wife and saying "I changed my mind. I wish it was the drug thing."
Every man before he dies shall see the Devil - English Proverb, 1560
Due to the author of this list's action of placing a clearly non-metal band in a list of metal bands, I initially decided to link you to a Kate Bush song as a sort of clever satire. However the Patriarchy called and they wont let me. So instead, here's Lita Ford with a song whose title is equally as self-aggrandizing as this band's name.
3. BUTCHER BABIES
"As a biracial kid growing up in the Detroit area, I got a lot of shit for loving hard rock and metal, and seeing musicians that were also African American playing the music I loved made me strong enough to say, 'F*** you, I'm going to like what I want." It's nice to see young people taking race so seriously that they can only validate themselves by the actions of people with their skin tone; but I can't help but feel there's a double standard here. I mean when I say that seeing white men on stage empowers me as a member of my race I get beaten by guys in black hoodies and Jack Dorsey takes away my twitter verification. And quite frankly I'm still not sure which of those is a greater violation of my being.
Butcher Babies features two lead female vocalists, which, I have to say, is straight up greedy. I mean female artists in the music industry are so rare that Sony Music has to use child labour to mine for them in third world countries; you'd think that Butcher Babies would be a little more generous and rent one of them out to a poor, marginalized up-and-coming group. A little bit of redistribution. All I'm asking for here.
Had to be done.
As such I can't give Butcher Babies my recommendation since they are clearly in the 1% of heavy metal groups. But I CAN give my recommendation to the German metal band "Warlock", fronted by the gorgeous and talented Doro Pesch.
4. IN THIS MOMENT
Okay, speaking of whores; what's Chris Motionless doing here again?
And what's Century Media Records' obsession with putting him in a tuxedo with some sort of kinky mask and having the lead singer of whatever band whose music video he's guest starring in mount him like a fucking pommel horse?
Whilst I'd like to think they insist on him wearing the mask because he has the eyes of a meth-addicted shark (which I'm pretty sure the fans are into anyway), I must confess to suspicions of outright abuse here. I'm saying it here folks; I don't think Chris Motionless knows what's going on. I think Century Media Records found him on a street corner, pumped him full of black tar heroin and have proceeded to use him as a prop/gigolo for their depraved female artists.
I mean at least "New Year's Day" gave him a few lines to sing. Here he's just led, in an obvious lobotomized stupor, into a room by masked maids which, at this point, I have to assume was behind the scenes footage they forgot to cut out of the video aside from perhaps airbrushing out the length of elastic saliva that was no doubt dangling from his bottom lip.
Speaking of weird lips; Maria Brink (the lead singer) rocks this genre the same way she rocks the Elvis Lip/Partial Facial Paralysis look - uncomfortably, but skillfully. Her mouth hangs open like a recently robbed safe, bellowing out screeching symphony with the accent of a man trying to talk while being fed a whole grapefruit with a shovel. The music and video themselves are fairly typical for the Nu-Metal genre. Lyrics that amount to "fuck you" over and over again to what I assume is the writer's father and assorted horror imagery that ALMOST makes me want to go back in time and shoot Alice Cooper in the head.
ALMOST, because nothing short of recording a ukulele album could make me hate Alice Cooper. Now some in the comments and elsewhere have pegged Maria Brink as the "Heavy Metal Lady Gaga." Which is absurd, because we already had a heavy metal Lady Gaga. And quite frankly she'd probably kill me if she heard me say that. But nonetheless, here she is. The Great Kat, with her rendition of Beethoven's 5th. (Ed Note: I'd also like to thank YouTube's copyright claim system for ruining the structure and momentum of the post by removing the above video and forcing me to hyperlink to Dailymotion) 5. HALESTORM
What do you get when you take Nickelback and suddenly give Chad Kroeger a sex change? Well you'd get a very unhappy Chad Kroeger, a criminal record and praise from Sharon Osbourne. But enough about my weekend. Let's talk about Halestorm. Specifically its lead singer Lzzy Hale. When Lzzy isn't taking the 'i' in her name and executing it behind a shed with a Winchester rifle, she's performing around 250 shows a year with her band, as well as being one of the "few female vocalists who plays an instrument whilst singing". If I'm perfectly honest I don't have a lot to say about Halestorm (and neither did the article). They're an average radio rock band with an above average singer in their midst, and the above linked song "I Am the Fire" is catchy enough bordering on pop rock, perfect for teenagers in need of a confidence boost. Their music video is also kind of average, when really all they needed to up the ante a little was to feature a drugged up Chris Motionless tied to a cactus for Lzzy Hale to periodically molest over the course of the song. I mean that does seem to be in at the moment in terms of popular rock. I will say this though; they ought to be careful out there in the desert, as they run the risk of bumping into and having a territorial fist fight with Stryper.
My goodness, I've just realized! All of the bands and musicians I have recommended thus far have been white and western! Well this certainly wont do. I know! I'll recommend the Japanese hard rock band "Show-Ya".
Cool. Now please stop posting parts of my dog that you people kidnapped through my letterbox. Or better yet, post the rest so I can attempt to rebuild it. 6. THE PRETTY RECKLESS
And here's me thinking out of work actresses from semi-popular TV shows eventually end up in porn, stripping down to their underwear and fishnets, staring listlessly at their salivating audience with the thousand yard gaze of a medicated Nam veteran. Taylor Momsen proves us wrong by.... starring in a music video where she strips down to her fishnets and underwear in the street while staring listlessly at her salivating audience with the thousand yard gaze of a....
Well look, we can at least take solace that whilst Cindy Lou Who here does look like she's staggering away from the most depressing episode of Bang Bus ever filmed... at least Chris Motionless isn't tied to a chair for her to take her sadness out on later. So what have we learned over the course of this post? Perhaps that when you spend all of your time decrying a lack of something, possibly due to perceived sexism or - in my case - general lack of talent or willingness of the music industry to take risks, you'll find yourself overlooking the very thing that you wanted to begin with. And hey, I think I found a modern band I quite like. And oddly enough, it has a female singer.
"'I think people feel oppressed when equality is closer,' (Emily) says. 'So if you were once the king of the hill and now everyone's almost on your level, you feel threatened."
Well clearly the BBC have once again displayed for us their boundless talents in finding experts with, not only their finger, but their entire face and spleen on the pulse of modern society. These so-called "Involuntary Celibates" are obviously taking breaks from their positions as CEOs and Texan Oil Barons to take to lightning scarred, cobweb lined internet forums and post screeds against women and feminism for fear that other people may finally be "on their level."
Even as I type this from my gold plated limousine next to my eternally submissive and large-chested trophy wife (all gifted to me at the moment the doctor lifted me up to slap my arse and observed that I had a dick and balls) I can tell you that I am - quite frankly - embarrassed. I am embarrassed for my gender. I am embarrassed that these lonely, socially awkward unfuckables (who are probably also poor and unemployed *spits*) are giving men like me a bad name.
So at the risk of mansplaining I thought I would opine on the subject of what to do with these pathetic, ostracized undateables; and after thinking a full five minutes about it I have come to a very simple conclusion as to what our next move should be:
More ostracism.
Look, say what you will but I think it's been working quite solidly so far. We've lured them out with our seemingly compassionate call for men to "start sharing their feelings more often" (*spits*) only to slap them down when they do. We forced them to crawl back into their dark, jizz-stained subreddits to fester and be influenced by some of the worst of their kind and... well, I think we've got a good thing going. And if we keep at it then we might just get them to kill themselves, which can only be a net good for society.
Listen, I have it on good authority that suicide is a big killer for men under the age of 45 in the UK at least.THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH, PEOPLE. We should be aiming for at least 55. Listen, my logic is sound. The more men commit suicide, the less incels there will be in the long run. Just saying. And yes, I'm aware that at least two of them have taken out various people with them. But I've done the calculations and I've found that it's very likely that some of the people they took out were probably maybe incels as well.
The ones that weren't... simple collateral damage. It's for the greater good.
Now some of you might consider my solution somewhat unsavory, but quite frankly, what else is there to do? Make prostitution legal and nationalize all the brothels...?
You hear the term misanthropy banded around a lot. Usually to describe writers and artists whose work is anything but a rainbow waterfall of romance and happy endings. I've also heard it being used to describe myself.
I want to make this clear. I am not a misanthrope.
True, I'm not the biggest fan of people as a group. Given the chance I'd probably purchase a semi-rural property, various weapons, two large dogs and a tank, get all my food delivered and hope the delivery man doesn't crash his van into the gator infested moat I've dug around the fortress I've turned this formerly wholesome farm house into. But really, that's got less to do with me hating humans and way more to do with me being solitary and suspicious of collectives. And also I want a moat with alligators in it.
"Collective" being the highlighted word here. I'm not a collective kind of guy, I'm an individual kind of guy. I like individual people, and quite frankly, I think most people are. Including the so called "misanthropes" who throw around the term in a sort of self-deprecating self-aggrandizement. Look at me, look at how edgy and anti-society I am. I am so beyond all you humans, I barely even identify as one because of how much of a fucking rebel I am. Buy my book, peasant.
You tend to find this line of thinking amongst people of certain political persuasions. The type who hate humans so much that they want to control them as much as possible, be around them as much as possible to keep them in line because they're all such disgusting parasites that I have to be here to make sure they don't all start burning each other at the stake for minor infractions. The sort of people who will utilize whatever power they may have to oppress you in whatever manner they see fit - socially, economically, racially - and worst of all, they'll see it as doing you a favour. Because if you were left to your own devices you'd either harm other people, or you'd wither and die.
That's the binary that a true misanthrope thinks in. The state of the human race is either taking from others, or suffering because you didn't take enough. And the only way to escape this cycle is through central control, a top-down system where everyone is greeted with Orwell's famous boot stamping on their face. But it's okay, because they're told the boot loves them, and only hurts them because it does. This is true misanthropy. Hate disguised as love.
I don't call myself a misanthrope because I believe people should leave each other alone. If I were truly a misanthrope I would be beating people in the street for saying things that offend others. I'd be a nun brandishing a ruler at a boy for being unnatural with another boy in the locker room. I'd be an Islamic preacher, forcing women to wear black bin bags in the scorching sun and convincing young men to strap themselves with explosives and walk into a crowded market. I'd be a Gestapo officer cramming human beings into a train bound for their doom. I'd be a member of the Stasi, imprisoning people for the crime of wanting to be free. All for their own good I assure you.
