Dear Regressive Liberals....

Dear Regressive Liberals,

I've noticed that you've taken to starting or at least titling your articles with "Dear White People" or other such variances.

Try not to gouge out own eyes.

Oh Cracked. How thy have fallen.

Never have the words "Very Smart" in your website name.

Please refer to my previous advice about eye gouging.

Don't forget to have a go at women while we're at it.

As a liberal myself who has been fully indoctrinated into the White Supremacist, Capitalist, Heteronormative, Cis-Normative, Mentally Challenged Patriarchy, I'd like to let you know that by beginning your articles by referring to your target audience solely by the colour of their skin, you have automatically forfeited your argument.

Let's try a little experiment:

If I were to begin an article with the title or lead in "Dear Black People; Please Stop Committing all the Crime", then you would quite rightly accuse me of racist stereotyping for implying that all black people commit all the crime.

Now I understand that you don't think it's possible to be racist towards white people since we are merely blobs of pink, alien flesh that have forged ourselves into the image of sentient primates and somehow managed to establish an invisible, oppressive hierarchy over you, and not actually... y'know... human. But the fact is that we're here and you'll have to live with us and our terrible day time TV shows, so it's best to not have a double standard about these things.

I also understand that you are angry because despite all of the PC outrage and figurative whippings you have bestowed and inflicted upon the public for years and years they had the absolute gall to go against your wishes and elect literally Hitler you guys.

You fackin' what mate?

It's all very shit. I mean from the beginning. The election was a shit-show, speaking as a filthy Scottish prick who sat in his room and watched from afar like J. Robert Oppenheimer in an experimental bomb shelter. Probably laughing. Undoubtedly laughing. You had a couple of decent candidates here and there but they were left hanging on the punji sticks as the final two blood soaked contestants stumbled forth to claim the prize.

And those contestants were.... A man with the verbal skill of a melted Speak 'n' Spell, and a woman who was probably Richard Nixon in lady skin whose husband's semen undoubtedly forms a protective coating around the inside of the Oval Office (some say that with every step you can hear it whisper "Where'ssss fatheeeerrr? Let me diiieeeee").

And those white sons of bitches, they chose the melted Speak 'n' Spell man. How dare they! How dare they ruin the lives of black people and LGBT folks who as far as anyone can tell he said nothing bad about! How dare they pass up our chance for our first female president! True we probably would've elected Charles Manson if he had a vagina but whatever! True progress comes hand in hand with corruption and corporatism!

But after all of this you didn't think for one second that maybe things weren't as you thought they were. That maybe there was a reason this happened that wasn't the overly harsh assertion that "more than half of the US are bigoted, racist, sexists".

I'm looking at YOU Patton Oswalt!

No. You continued doing exactly what got you here in the first place. Calling a massive group of people racists and bigots because they didn't hold the exact same opinion as you. You kicked the hornets nest over and over and over and then quite literally ran home crying when you finally got stung.

But fear not. I am here to help.

Seen here in full White Supremacist Capitalist Mode

As a person who considers himself part of the left wing political spectrum I tire of this, as the Romans would say, "fuckery." So I'm going to give you a few suggestions for how not to fail so astoundingly awfully as you have done in recent weeks (and months, and years). But as many an alcoholic or "Gotham" fan will tell you; the first step to solving a problem is admitting that there is one. And that problem is that whilst it used to be the right wing that were the laughable, lying, fabricating clowns with the self awareness of the keyboard I'm using to type this smug bullshit, that title now belongs to the far left. As such the Right have been kicking your arses, whether it be in the U.S, Britain or Europe.

Thomas Paine would be shitting blood right now.

So now that we've got that out of the way, let's move on to a few things YOU could do to not make your political movement suck.

#1: Stop Calling People Racist (etc) All the Damn Time

Racist. What a word eh? Used to be such a fine word. Lots of stopping power. Like a verbal 44. Magnum. Lot's of shock value. Like the word "Rapist", but without the potentially life ruining properties. "Misogynist" as well. There's something linguistically acrobatic about it. Makes you feel smart whenever you say it. Like the word "linguistically".

But these mighty words have fallen through overuse. Not just overuse in fact. Malicious overuse. The Right were paranoid about communists and gays and jazz, and the Left are paranoid about racists, homophobes and sexists (AKA: The entire gaming community). It's like if Joseph McCarthy had a Tumblr account.

"Educate yourself, Commie!"

To those of us who are experienced in the realms of online discourse (AKA: Borderline Alcoholics) these words have become diluted. They no longer carry the weight they used to and whenever they come up, instead of representing their actual meanings, they represent "You don't have the exact same opinion as me, therefore I am going to call you a nasty name, shit on the podium and run away because different ideas scare me."

Just to be very clear here; I am not here to defend actual racists, homophobes and misogynists. These people exist and they will always exist. But (in a very figurative way) words are weapons in a war of ideas. The way the usage of these words has changed is the difference between a sniper rifle and a sawed-off shotgun. They used to be used to described very specific people, just as a sniper rifle picks off a very specific target. Now they resemble the shotgun blast that takes out an entire room full of people who did fuck all to deserve it. Unless they are white men. In which case they always deserve it. Always.

And the reason I say racists still exist is not just to calm you all down and assure you all that you are not reading the work of a Neo-Nazi or anything, it's also because a lot of the most prominent, and accepted racists seem to be on the left these days.

Co-Founder of Black Lives Matter Toronto by the way.

#2: Hold your Politicians Accountable

I am certain that the reason Trump won was because potential Bernie Sanders voters either voted third party, didn't vote at all or voted for Trump. Why? Because they fucking hated Hillary. They hated her because she represents precisely the opposite of what Bernie was envisioning for the US. Bernie was the candidate who represented true change. Hillary was the candidate who represented a potential eight years of corporate pandering and corruption.

Of course there is also the various scandals involving e-mails and suspicious donations to the Clinton Foundation from the Saudi and Qatari governments. But I'm not going to get into those because I quite simply don't have the research skills or overall journalistic talent to break this shit down for you. I swear a lot and make jokes about killing people. That's my vocation and I will stick to it.

Exhibit A.

Thing is though, this barely came up at all in mainstream media circles. At least as far as I could see. The media were far more concerned about trying to prove that Trump was a big meanie and a racist racist. And much to their surprise the public saw right through it. For some reason the public were more concerned about the ramifications of the contents of Hillary's emails and the fact that her foundation has received millions of dollars in donations from some of the most oppressive societies in the world than they were about Trump being a brash moron who somehow can say many things but still say nothing in the process.

Upon seeing that clip within the above video I knew that picking on Trump was basically like picking on a retard (P.S. I love being able to set links. Did you notice?).

The short of it is that barely anyone was calling out Hillary. The public realized this. And the left have been belittling them for it ever since. Next time, hold your nominee(s) accountable for things. People will be more likely to trust you.

#3: Stop Acting Like Children!

I really don't have to say much here do I? I mean really. What is this?

(Special thanks to Sargon of Akkad for making this easier for me)

Really? This is how you want people to think of you? This is not what adults do. This is what CHILDREN do. Once again this used to be the right wing thing. When you don't get your way, stamp your feet and cry and yell. Or at best OBSTRUCT. Obstruct as much as you can because all you can do now is bask in your own saltiness and be as belligerent as possible.

This is what the left is becoming and it has to stop. These people scoffed and laughed when Trump came out and said that he wouldn't "accept the election results" if Hillary won. And now that Trump has won suddenly the democratic process isn't worth shit. Well fuck you. You made your bed. Now you lie in it for a minimum of four years. Hopefully it's enough time for you to realize that treating an entire nation of people like ignorant plebs who only think of things in terms of race and sex (gee, I wonder who that reminds me of?) is not the way to get people to vote for your candidate.

The people voted this way not just because of a sheer lack of decent choice. They voted this way because they were tired and they wanted change. And if that meant electing this guy:

Then.... well I can't argue with them. That is definitely a change in direction. Call it a stupid decision all you want. Hell I might even agree with you. But this is not the way to fix things. It's exactly the thing that got you here in the first place. At least now many of those in office know that no matter how much power they hold over the public, the public can elect an elderly clown with a dead fox wig into the most powerful office in the world and they have to put up with it.

This is what happened. This is the world we live in. These are the hands we're given. These were the candidates we were given. Never change World.