Gods of Egypt vs. Jupiter Ascending

Some critics are idiots, and here's why:

This is how a friend of mine suggested that I begin this post. The other one was "10 Reasons the Critics Got it Wrong!!! - #7 May Shock You!", but I would rather die of dysentery in a Calcutta latrine than sully my already laughable blog with such a title/opening. So it was either the former or this wouldn't have had an introduction, which would have troubled me deeply for some reason.

Anyways, I watched these two films. Let me tell you what I thought in unnecessary detail.

"Gods of Egypt" is a 2016 film directed by Alex Proyas; the man who brought us "The Crow", "Dark City" and, unfortunately, "Knowing" starring Nicolas Cage; a film with an intriguing premise which eventually amounted to nothing more than a two hour Shaggy God Story (a story which ends with the twist "Holy Cow! It's Adam and Eve!" before the editor of the 1950s sci-fi magazine the story was sent to crumples it up and hurls it into the wastebasket to be fed to hogs later).  

As you can probably tell by the hilariously overproduced advertising art the film sports, my friend and I picked this one up expecting it to be the Turkey of 2016. We expected a film awash with over-the-top CGI effects, hammy performances, shit green screen and hilarious representations of Egyptian Gods. We were, of course, not disappointed. However what we didn't expect was to actually enjoy the film.

For all the moments of video game environments that shift from a desert to a swamp in a matter of mere seconds; for all the scenery chewing hamminess that would give Brian Blessed an embarrassed chubby the size of the average Mars volcano; for all the Shakespeare wannabe dialogue and a plot that becomes so blurry towards the end that you might as well watch an episode of Spartacus while jacked to hell on street grade heroin.... I actually really fucking enjoyed it.

The friend I was watching it with at the time is big into his ancient mythologies so picking up a movie that actually sort of faithfully makes use of Egyptian myths by way of typical Hollywood "subtle as a shovel to the face from an un-medicated Randy Quaid" style of film making was actually the highlight of our weekend.

Picture of Randy Quaid just because

The film opens with an almost showdown style CGI brawl between Set (GeRAAAAARRRd Butler) and Horus (The Kingslayer). Now normally I would say that the film blew its load early, however whilst it DID blow it's load pretty damn early, it continues to blow its load over the next two hours until the TV is bulging at the seams with sticky white entertainment.

Picture of Nick Manning just because

Now beyond all that I think that the actors and - to at least some extent - the writing do a good job of creating some decent chemistry between the characters. Each Egyptian God has their own unique personality (with Chadwick Boseman as Thoth, the God of Wisdom being a stand out favourite of mine) and there are some genuinely funny moments to enjoy as you wait for the next scene in which Horus fights two women riding on the backs of giant cobras and that may be the most awesome sentence I have ever typed.

Now look, it's not going to win any awards any time soon and nor should it. However in a time of mediocre reimaginings of old franchises, bland stories filled with stock characters and so little personality they feel as though they've been ripped right off a conveyor belt in a Gilliam-esque bureaucratic dystopia; seeing something that actually seems to be having fun with itself and its own ideas, something that gives off an almost old school fantasy vibe... well it's refreshing. I don't know about you but I'm not exactly on the edge of my fucking seat for "Back to the Future: The Recycling" or what-the-fuck-ever. I'd personally rather watch Geoffrey Rush as the God Ra shooting fire at a giant lamprey while dressed as the Space Pope.

Ye best start believin' in GOD stories!

What's not to like? Well the mainstream film press have their waterslide fucking noses to look down don't they? They can't be giving good reviews to things that are actually entertaining or anything. So what kind of excuse can we make up to take a big steamy dump on this piece of harmless fun so we can all huff away at it and enjoy the stink of our own needless bile?

Well we could channel the left wing version of Archie Bunker and proclaim loudly that there are too many white people here! Of course! Pretty mental though eh? I didn't know Sadiq Khan was writing film reviews.

I mean it's one thing complaining about the "whitewashing" of the yet-to-be-made "Akira" live action film. "Akira" is an authentically Japanese story, even without the tentacles. So it shouldn't exactly be a surprise to Hollywood that people would expect the film to actually contain Japanese people. However when we're talking about an original film that makes use of mythology from a nation of people who, scientists pretty much admit, we don't know the fucking race of.... well I'm sorry Mr Virtuous, you've been forcefully conscripted into the learning support division of the Fun Police. You are now Police Constable Buzzkill of the Social Justice Branch and fuck you for making me bring up race politics in a goddamn film review.

To cap that part off, I do recommend getting a bunch of friends round and checking out "Gods of Egypt". It's like if "Exodus: Gods and Kings" were written by a hyperactive, autistic 12 year old boy. Or to be more specific - it's like if "Exodus: God's and Kings" wasn't a long, dreary, boring waste of my fucking time. Oh look; even that film got a higher RT rating than "Gods of Egypt". What a surprise.  

(Slurping sounds from under the table)

Speaking of films that undeservedly got a higher RT rating than "Gods of Egypt" (though admittedly, not by much either); let's move on to The Wachowski's most recent effort "Jupiter Ascending". This was another viewing suggestion from my friend over the weekend in question and clearly he used up all his luck on "Gods of Egypt" because this film was like taking all the shittest ideas from Space Opera's past and stitching them all together like Josef Mengele at a Twins Festival.

It stars Mila Kunis as Jupiter Jones - whose name I'm not even going to bother to make fun of - a Russian immigrant who spends her time scrubbing toilets to help her family make ends meet. In the process of trying to sell her egg cells at a clinic Jupiter is saved from an attack by Cain Wise (Channing Tatum) who is part dog and also later part bird somehow. Caine takes her to see Stinger (Sean Bean) who is apparently part Bee. I didn't know this until I read the synopsis on Wikipedia. I'm guessing they were too ashamed to mention it. Anyways, something, something, Jupiter owns the planet Earth.

I'm not even sure where the fuck to begin with this because the whole movie is "Flash Gordon" as written by Stephanie Meyer. It's quite uncanny actually; the dull female lead character who's built up to be this all important, fantastic individual but... isn't - check. A bulky, stoic and emotionally distant love interest whose relationship with the lead character teeters obliviously on the brink of bestiality - check. Following that, absolutely no chemistry between the romantic leads - check. World mythology that reads like the foggy, hormone laden scrawling in a teenage girl's diary for future uploading to Fanfiction.net - check. An ineffectual lead villain played by a British actor whose performance is so perplexing it almost barrels cock first into the realm of utter genius....

Check and Mate my fuckin' beauties! Hell, maybe Lana and Lily Wachowski should've kept their balls in a small container near their word processor reading "Break Glass in Case of Emergency". Maybe next time whatever they write wont resemble a barely pubescent girl's wet dream. 

Only seen the first episode; my review so far is a bored shrug

  

Speaking of Eddie Redmayne's performance; I honestly can't understand how the Wachowskis even got that out of him. What possible combination of words and phrases could they have used that would have possibly driven him to deliver such a puzzling act?

"Okay Eddie, this'll be our first rehearsal. What we'd like from you is to deliver your lines whilst channeling a combination of Roman Emperor, tired cancer patient and elderly ostrich. Occasionally we'd like you to shriek out your lines, seemingly at random, and when you do really force it out like you're trying to shit a 90s desktop PC monitor. I wanna see some forehead veins Eddie, come on!"

Narratively and stylistically this film is all over the place. The aliens are varied but there's no real coherence. Some aliens resemble the standard "Greys" with almost bird like legs, others are generally human and many are simply weird animal human hybrids. This wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing (the elephant pilot is a highlight) but the film doesn't really explain its universe very well. Everything just rushes past and you're forced to just accept the fact that Sean Bean is part honeybee and that said bees swarm towards Jupiter because they're "programmed to sense royalty" (which, despite being part bee himself, Sean Bean wasn't able to figure out within seconds of meeting her).

Special Guest Star - John Merrick

As for the style; about half way through the film we're treated to a sequence where Jupiter is led through a ridiculous amount of bureaucratic red tape in order to ascend to her rightful place in some royal family or other (I pay attention I do!), accompanied by an odd looking robotic being and an almost Danny Elfman  style musical score. And just as you realize they're doing a really blatant and poorly placed homage to Terry Gilliam, who should show up but....

Terry Gilliam, seen here measuring your power level

The word "why" is probably buzzing through your grey matter like a swarm of bees with Sean Bean's face horrifically planted on to each and every one of them. It was with me too. I assume the Wachowskis just found him pottering around near the set with a rusted out tin mug, begging for coins to finally pay for that "Don Quixote" film that God seems dead set on not ever letting us see, so they just decided to put him in the film. And despite how out of place it is, it's probably the best scene in the movie. Proving that a little Terry Gilliam always makes things better WARNER BROTHERS!

One thing particularly puzzling about the reception to this film (other than the inexplicable 10% higher approval rating over "Gods of Egypt") is the more positive response among "a niche of female science fiction fans who appreciated the film's campiness and the film's deviation from typical gender stereotypes in a genre that is traditionally male-centered."

Now you all know how I feel about gender politics in fiction in general, but I don't really care that much. At least SOMEONE'S having fun with this. I just find it funny considering throughout the film Jupiter Jones as a character does the precise square route of FUCK ALL except get herself into situations that force the main male lead to swoop in and save her at regular intervals. Having said that:

"Donna Dickens of HitFix.com noted that many viewers found the film attractive for providing "the wish-fulfillment of prepubescent girls". Dickens explained that where Hollywood typically portrays strong women in action films as "Arnold Schwarzenegger with boobs", Jupiter Ascending presents Kunis' character differently. "Women don't always want superhuman robots to look up to. We want to be the same klutzy nobody who is cosseted and petted and told we're special – despite all evidence to the contrary," she wrote."

That's.... actually quite accurate really. Guys and girls have very different ideas of "wish fulfillment." Guys want to save and girls want to be saved. Doesn't make one weaker or more dominant than the other. It's just how we're built.

Like how I was built for the couch and you were built for the kitchen!

However when all your female character does is stand around like a dolt while her man rushes over to rescue her for the 100th time in the flick and not much else.... well I start to care less because I realize that this character, whose importance you've been bigging up this entire film so far, isn't as important or interesting as you've let on. It's one of the many problems with both "Twilight" (all of the bastards) and "Snow White and the Huntsman", and at least those films had the excuse of having cast Kristen Stewart - whose best performance was in "Panic Room" because she spent most of her time in a diabetic trance and it lent itself very well to her acting ability.

"Are you okay Kristen?"

"Why does everyone keep asking me that!?"

And with that I conclude this post. Basically, go watch "Gods of Egypt". It's silly, over the top and it's a tremendous amount of fun. It's one of those films that straightforward without being paper thin, and stupid without insulting your intelligence. If you're looking for some old school fantasy with an over-the-top contemporary CGI flavor then this is the film for you. Fun police be damned!

"Jupiter Ascending" however is just incoherent, loud and generally unfunny. It doesn't quite know what the hell it wants to be and it explains so little about itself that you just end up giving up about halfway through. The ultimate travesty of this film being that Eddie Redmayne wasn't in it enough for me to stare at like a sideshow freak.

Picture of Eddie Redmayne just because

Diary of a Well Balanced Human - 30/01/2017: Bubbles and Binoculars

I try to do something that many people may find utterly futile. I try to sympathize with people.

I grew up a weird fucking kid. In primary school I used to hide under desks and scream at my teachers. I used to collect "spy equipment" and run around my neighborhood "spying" on people. Of course "spying on people" meant standing in the middle of the cul-de-sac and staring at houses through a shitty plastic folding set of binoculars. And I don't think James Bond ever carried his equipment in a "Toy Story" lunch box.

I would sit in my room for hours practicing magic tricks to show to people at school when they cared enough to look. I had trouble socializing with people so it felt a lot easier to go "Hey, watch this," than try to come up with anything to say that would in any way be relatable to the fucking normies that infested my school like boring, grey termites. 

I would plant myself in the school library most days when everyone else was outside - presumably inhaling crack smoke through their anuses or whatever kids did back then - and read books about unsolved mysteries and true crime. I found serial killers to be particularly fascinating. I remember reading "The Silence of the Lambs" for one of my English class Personal Studies, as well as "Misery" by Stephen King. Something my English teacher at the time - a no-nonsense woman who used to work at a borstal and seemed to like me for some reason - was very supportive of. 

I remember being asked by my Art teacher what I would like to paint one year. I told him I wanted to paint weapons. He led me to a cupboard where he proceeded to hand me a baseball bat, an axe, and various other blunt/sharp implements for me to paint. If I was in America he probably would've just called the cops, but this is Scotland; potential signs of sociopathy are par for the course. I remember feeling particularly joyful as I walked through that classroom, axe hanging down at my side, bat resting on my shoulder, and one could've heard a pin drop. Yes my sense of humour was warped and mostly based around making people uncomfortable even back then. 

It did not come to my parent's surprise - or anyone's for that matter - that I turned out to be autistic. 

The problem with autistic people is that they tend to have trouble looking at things from other people's perspectives. Which was why some people were a little skeptical when they found out I wanted to be a writer. I mean one has to be able to relate with other people's perspectives to be a writer, correct? 

What I'm saying is that, unlike a lot of people, I had to teach myself a little to see the world through other people's eyes. I'm still teaching myself. It's a difficult thing to do. Which is why it isn't really that surprising when other people forego it. Some people like to keep looking at the world through their own eyes, just because it's simpler, and you can understand things better that way. When you're in your own little bubble reality is what you make it. It's a very appealing thought. You don't really have to think, you can just react. And you're always the hero. No matter what.

Sometimes it means sympathizing with one group of people but not another. Especially if they are two separate sides of an argument. I mean listening to both sides and weeding out the valid arguments from them is hard. Better to take one side and defend it no matter what. It's easier to perceive the black and the white than it is to wade through a grey fog and find the other side.

I've been thinking about politics way too much lately. It didn't use to be so difficult back when I was much more left-leaning than I am now. Things were a lot more black and white. The Right were full of mental, gay-hating, war-mongering, hysterical religious fundamentalists. The Left were full of peace loving hippies who loved freedom and secularism. Black and white. I knew who I was. I knew where I stood.

Things aren't like that anymore. Hell I'm not even totally sure if it ever WAS like that. I think I've made it quite clear on this blog as to why that is. Right now as I type President Trump has gone through with his so called "Muslim Ban", which doesn't even seem to be a ban as much as it is an extreme vetting process for people from terror compromised countries. And to be perfectly honest with you; I don't know what the fuck to think.

We know people who are part of a death cult that oppresses women, that sees non-believers as nothing but obstacles in their goal for a theocratic paradise, will disguise themselves as innocent people to enter other countries. We also know that the people that surround them have been through hell mostly because of those very people.

On the other side of things you have us.

People died in Nice. People died in Paris. People died in Orlando. People died in Berlin. And it seems to me as though every measure we take to try and prevent that from happening is denounced as some kind of racist/Nazi idea that assumes every single Muslim is a frothing extremist, decked with bombs from his balls upwards.

I want to be clear about this; we live in a time where the last couple of generations have never had to deal with the reality of Nazism. Whenever I hear people my age or younger call something they don't like Nazi, or anyone they disagree with a Nazi (un-ironically) I just want to slap them and yell "BOY, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A NAZI IS!"

We have such trouble seeing things through the eyes of others that we would rather attribute them to some of the worst people in history than actually sit down and try to understand what they're going through.

I try to do something utterly futile. I try to sympathize with people.

I wish I could go back to gathering spy equipment in my "Toy Story" lunch box and pretending to gather intelligence on my neighbours. I wish I could go back to immersing myself in silly mystery books. I wish I could go back to freaking people out by walking through classrooms carrying axes.

I wish I could go back to my own little bubble, where everything is simple, and there is only black and white. There is only me. I am always the hero. It's a nice thought. It's a tempting thought.

It's the easy way.

I can't. And I wont. I think part of being a thinking, rational human being is taking a point of view that you could never imagine yourself holding or experiencing and trying to do just that. Imagine what it's like to think that way and try to understand it. You don't have to agree with it in the end. You just have to try and understand it. I'm not saying we should start sympathizing with Nazis or other racial separatists/supremacists; I think we're beyond all that. Or at least we should be.

We can't just retreat into our own little bubbles where we're always the hero no matter what. When we do we become tribal. Our bubble is the Justice League and theirs is the Legion of Doom. It rarely fucking works that way and well we know it. When we try to make it work that way all we do is hurt each other for the things that we believe in. 

It's half two in the morning and I have to work tomorrow. Or today rather. 

Break free of your bubbles everyone.   

    

  

Go a Little Mad

This is a little piece that I wrote for the Penumbra mental health support group.

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Let's see.... How does one describe the process of going from being mental to not quite so mental?

Oh yes, I don't deny being a bit mental before all of this. I own a copy of Anton Lavey's "Satanic Bible" because I find it hilarious. I once attempted to shut a co-worker in an alley with two ceramic clown dolls. I own around six copies of George Romero's "Night of the Living Dead", and I don't know why. They just seem to keep appearing. It's starting to scare me, and it should scare you too for some strange reason that I can't articulate.

Yeah, I am that kind of "mental". I am the kind of mental that people enjoy. I'm the guy you tag in posts on Facebook with memes that state "We all know that one guy who likes to chew on weasels and spit them at passing cars, am I right!?". Followed by floods of comments agreeing that "that is so u lol", despite the fact that I've long since moved on to chewing otters. I'm the kind of mental that's great for visiting friends who turn to their friends and say "Oh, you'll love (insert person here; no not an actual person you lunatic), he's a total nutter!" before you show up on a unicycle wearing foam antlers.

I'm the kind of mental that people like.

But there's another kind. A kind of mental that's altogether darker and lonelier. A kind of mental that people don't like to talk about or deal with because it's not particularly entertaining. The kind of mental that some people don't like to refer to as "mental" because they think changing words and terms will somehow act as a magic wand to make it all better.

Now don't get me wrong; this part is not here to make you feel guilty, or anyone for that matter. I completely understand it. I personally would rather watch a worryingly angry person yelling at a terrible videogame on YouTube than check to see if the woman who shouts at the walls next door has access to sharp objects. I'd rather sit and watch a film where annoying teenagers are torn to bits by tank-like human beings in masks than go see my brother and find out why he's crying into his pillow. It's not a happy world. It's not an entertaining world. So it's perfectly understandable as to why most people wouldn't want to enter it, let alone talk about it.

The stuff that I spoke about in the opening paragraphs are true. In my group I'm kind of considered the loveable nutter. I'm generally considered cheerful, with a warped sense of humour and some misanthropic tendencies. I'm mostly liked by the people I know; loved by some.

I've also been depressed since around late 2013. It crippled me for a long time. It was exacerbated by the fact that I am on the Autism Spectrum, so my ability to interact with others on a relatable level was already somewhat impaired. It was not a case of "pulling myself together" as some might say. Some nights I wish I were a robot that could magnetically repair itself by pulling the broken parts together and tightening the loose screws (And also have flamethrowers. Flamethrowers would be nice). Unfortunately human beings are a little more complicated than that. They don't come off assembly lines, all wired in the exact same way. We all have different problems, different life situations and different brains, and sometimes a combination of those things can send you on the clichéd "downward spiral".

So what do you do? Maybe you suffer from anxiety; maybe you're obsessive compulsive; maybe you have a monumental git of a friend who locked you in an alley with two ceramic clown dolls and you haven't been the same since. Well, you get help of course. But some people are afraid to get help. They don't want to be seen as a burden, or a pathetic scrounger sponging off the state. People with mental health problems tend to think that others would be better off if they weren't even around. Others think that people just don't care so they don't bother to say anything for fear of being laughed at or ignored. "PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER" they'd say as little devil children sprout from their stomachs and blow raspberries at you. Nobody wants that.

But the little voices in your head are wrong. Always wrong. Never listen to the voices in your head. They make you go internet shopping and then you make all kinds of mistakes. NEVER listen to them. Because there are people who are there to help.

A good while after I began on anti-depressants and started having meetings with a community therapist I was turned on to Penumbra, and since then every fortnight I've been forced to brave the outside world and go for a drink and a chat with the amiable dude that they assigned to me. I used the term "assigned" for lack of a better term since it makes it sound less social and more bureaucratic. Trust me, these are not Job Centre meetings. You're not directed to an ominous old building where you sit down in front of a frowning corpse of a person in a tweed suit who attempts to beat the sane back into you with a bamboo cane he got when Britain was still in control of India. That's not what this is about. These people will do anything they can to make you feel comfortable.

But they will ALWAYS get you to leave the house. It's about getting OUT of your comfort zone as much as being in it.

The feeling of being isolated and ignored is something that will never fully leave you. It's always there lingering at the back of your mind. But the idea is to keep it there. People like those at Penumbra are there to help keep it at bay (I suggested their employees carry a whip and a chair to every meeting but they weren't quite up for it). You don't have to feel like a burden, and you don't have to be that kind of mental for people to care.

As everyone's favourite role model Norman Bates once said: "We all go a little mad sometimes." So don't feel you have to keep silent. There are people who will listen.

Just try not to stab anyone in the shower. It's rude and extremely messy.

A Whole Lotta Punchin' Goin' On

I was supposed to be taking a break from this stuff. I've gone out of my way to try and temporarily purge anything political from my life right now. I've stopped going on Twitter, I only go on Facebook to message people, and I've made sure that the only YouTube notifications I get are from Let's Play and Horror channels. Alas, this is not to be. I try to throw it all away but it keeps coming back, like a boomerang covered in shit. Which realistically should make it less aerodynamic but here we are.

Someone punched Richard Spencer in the face.

Who is Richard Spencer? Why, he's a White Nationalist. And the creator of the term "Alt-Right". He's a bit of an edge-lord fuckwit who looks like someone stole most of his hair (probably a Jew no doubt). Quick version: He's not someone who anyone should ever feel compelled to defend, ever.

Now if people watched this and laughed at the Nazi-in-Denial getting lamped on a street corner and then moved on with their lives then I probably wouldn't have any problem because, let's be honest, how many of us could stop ourselves? You're having a conversation with someone, and they happen to let slip that their sympathies lie entirely with the National Socialist party of Germany in the 30s and 40s and that the Holocaust was completely justified; well let's just say it would probably require an ocean's worth of restraint to not pounce on the guy and dig his eyes out with your thumbs.

It's understandable. Here's a guy just standing out in the open casually justifying one of the worst crimes to ever blight our history. Or at the very least touting the merits of race-based identity politics. Maybe this guy didn't get his arse kicked enough as a child. Perhaps we should remedy that. Right now. In front of a camera.

And maybe I would have far more sympathy for the puncher in this scenario if he were just some random working stiff whose grandfather died on the outskirts of Berlin, slowly making their way towards that bunker where the toothbrush faced coward himself put a bullet in his head instead of facing trial for his crimes against humanity. All those people dying in utter squalor and agony, and the person responsible for it all gets a quick, merciful, self-inflicted bullet through the head. And here's this guy, just brazenly and openly touting the merits of that guy's ideology. Right there. The fucking balls on this guy. Someone needs to teach him a lesson.

I can understand this on an emotional level. The pure gut instinct that any decent person would have. The trouble is; where does it stop?

You see, the guy who committed the assault in the video was very likely to be a member of "Antifa". Which means he's also very likely to be a communist. And to him, everyone to the Right of him is probably a fascist. Now I'm not saying that most people are so dumb that they can't tell the difference between a common garden conservative and a far-right fascist. Most people can. But when you're a communist, the muscle that's usually relegated to logic and reason is probably already somewhat atrophied.

What I'm saying is that you're a fucking idiot because Communism, over this past century onwards, has killed more people than, not only the Nazis, but Genghis fucking Kahn. Let that sink in; because Genghis Kahn is theorized to have killed so many people that he actually helped the environment.

Thanks buddy! You can stop now.... I said you can stop....GENGHIS! STOP!

So yeah; applaud and encourage this guy and his ilk all you want. Just remember that the next time you start praising private property, individual freedom and freedom of speech - as well as various other advantages to living in a free society that both the libertarian Left and Right agree on - then you'll probably get a very similar reaction.

Look, what I'm saying is that if we're going to condone the assault of a white nationalist simply for speaking his filthy mind in a public space, then I reserve the full right to track down that commie and mash his balls into slush with a ball peen hammer. I mean it's only fair. If Nazis are going to be punched out then commies should be violently vasectomized with standard joinery equipment.

Which is it gonna be, pinko? The hacksaw or the pliers?

See, if I'm a fanatic for anything then it's free speech. I believe that the best way to combat bad ideas is with good ideas. But the thing is, for a lot of people that isn't enough. Words don't leave marks you can see. Words don't have an impact you can feel immediately. Words can also be misused. I pointed out in my previous post that the word "Nazi", in some circles, has been broadened from being someone who suppports the policies of the National Socialist Party of Germany in the 1930s and 40s, to being "pretty much anyone I disagree with, or anyone who is to the Right of me on almost any issue. And also probably voted for Trump."

Now I've taken the test. Turns out I'm a bit of a lefty. But I'm also very centrist and VERY anti-ideology and anti-identity politics. I'm probably to the right of almost every single person involved in that riot on the inauguration day. I've been called a fascist enabler simply for stating my not-even-remotely-fascist views. So when you say it's perfectly okay to go around punching Nazis - as self-serving as it is - that doesn't really make me feel safe.

Now actual Nazis; hell they might even NEED an arse-kicking. I'm not denying that's it's an extremely appealing thought. But if we're going to do that then we need to be VERY specific about what a Nazi is. Because if we aren't then let's face it; you've got a whole lotta punching to do.

What 2016 Taught Me: A Recap

The way people talk about this past year you'd think that the year 2016 literally gained sentience and lumbered into our homes like some kind of time-measurement based Kaiju monster, devoured all our cultural icons (except Cliff Richard who I am certain at this point is a Highlander) and grabbed us all by the pussy.

I mean it's not a totally unjustified feeling. As the curtains opened on the tragicomic play that was the year 2016 we all sat slack jawed, our seats becoming warmer with the addition of blood tinged terror piss as David Bowie went to join Major Tom in the stars beyond. Then he presumably decided that he was lonely and so he put in a call to Ground Control and up went Prince Rogers Nelson (yes, that was his name), Alan Rickman, Carrie Fisher, and on and on it went like the world's most depressing conveyer belt round in the Generation Game.

Hell I spent several months under the wrongheaded impression that Anthony Hopkins was dead until I eventually looked it up on Wikipedia. And who could blame me? The icy claw of Death was coming for anyone who had made an impression on us in our youths.

Beyond the first world problem of celebrities turning out to be mortal beings (except for Cliff Richard who bathes in the blood of virgins at every full moon), normal everyday people were being massacred by radicalized trucks down in France and Germany, causing mass deportation of all trucks from European countries. And speaking of Europe, both it and Britain went through a bit of a complicated divorce, with the children splitting down the middle into the older and jaded 'LEAVE' and the younger and arguably spoilt 'REMAIN'.

It was all very typical really. LEAVE, whilst he has his own little flaws and prejudices generally understands that adults will get tired of each other after about 20, 40, 60 years and that sometimes it's best that they split up before more people are hurt in the ongoing firefight of their relationship. Meanwhile REMAIN just wont accept it. Why do grown ups have to do this to their children? How could this have happened? It was you wasn't it LEAVE?! Yes you! You're just old and racist and shouldn't even be allowed to vote!

In the mean time the US was going through something kind of similar. They had to choose between Jabba the Hutt with Boris Johnson hair and Female Blofeld. And low and behold, when people eventually uncurled themselves from their fetal positions, stopped tearing out their hair and decided that maybe they were going to go out and vote instead of climbing up a bell tower and bestowing hot mercy upon the disenfranchised public; well fuck me backwards into a field of cacti if Jabba the Pussy Grabber didn't win. And the triggering ripple almost knocked the Earth from the orbit of the Sun. 

Also Milo Yiannopolous got a book deal.

Seen here not being controversial.

Consider our pussies grabbed everybody.

But we have to remember that out of chaos comes opportunity. Traversing the obstacles in our lives is what shapes our characters and makes us grateful for what we have, or something gay like that. It's a learning experience, and I'm here to tell you what I learned this past year.  


1. Dad Jokes are an Abusive Patriarchal Force

In August of 2016 the internet, and humanity overall, was introduced to the man they call "Hugh Mungus."

Like Jesus before him took on the name of Christ, Rudy Pantoja took on the mantle of Hugh Mungus; a title passed down from dad to dad and Simpsons writer alike. Of course, very much like the aforementioned messiah, he knew not of his importance. Not until that beautiful day in Seattle when he was accosted by some sort of angry, shrieking emu with a camera - and the true extent of his power became clear.

Yes Rudy Pantoja, the real name of the God you see in the link above, attended a Seattle City Council meeting to discuss 'the Bunker' a new and expensive police precinct. Rudy, whose daughter he claims had been turned over to rehab for a drug problem with the help of the Seattle Police Department, was backing the somewhat awesomely named precinct in an interview to the local news channel. Little did he know however that it wouldn't be that interview that would grant him a spot in the 2016 hall of fame.

Unbeknownst to the security staff of the building some sort of sapient bird creature had skinned an innocent woman, worn it as a disguise and stolen her phone in order to enter the establishment and film our hero, apparently angry that her side wasn't getting as much coverage. Because as we all know; if you see a camera crew filming one person's opinion on a subject then you can be damn sure that that is the only interview they will film on that subject.

"KAW! KAW! (Sounds of a small mammal being devoured)"

Upon breaking away from the camera crew, Rudy ran into the brick wall of crazy we now know as Zarna Joshi who very quickly asked for his name. Now we all know that there are certain people you never give your name to. Telemarketers, Wizards, and Feminists. The first will pass your details on to other telemarketing companies to make absolutely sure you will never eat dinner without being offered high quality double glazing ever again, the second will curse your name to the point of you wishing you had to deal with the first one instead, and the third one will actively ruin your life. So Rudy had to think quickly.

Sometimes a little pressure can create genius.

What followed was some sort of walk of shame as Mr Mungus calmly made his way through the building like a medieval criminal. Except in this case there was only one person throwing rotten fruit and cow shit at him and, arguably, she was the one more likely to be branded a social pariah after all this.

Eventually Ms Joshi turned her attention on the security guards as Hugh left the area, demanding to know their names as well. Some sources claim that the guards gave their names as "Ivana Tinkle" and "Amanda Hugginkiss", however these sources remain unverified.

"I've got a 'Rockard Johnson' here! Zarna! I think this one's for you!"

The result was that Rudy became a major internet meme and Zarna became the defining example of an unhinged feminist. A genuinely insane, highly privileged professional victim with no sense of humour or understanding of human behavior to speak of. Or self awareness as we were later privy to once she graced the world with a scarily self-important series of videos, including a response to the Hugh Mungus incident which blamed the negative reactions to her accusations of sexual abuse on 'internalized misogyny'. Because if women disagree with you, then that must mean they hate themselves. 

She went on with her victim narrative, even going so far as to ask for money on 'youcaring.com' to deal with the trauma of her pun based abuse. In the mean time Hugh/Rudy was offered money, but instead of taking it he asked that it be given to charity. 

  
   

2. Hawaii is a Continent, and it's, Like, Really Offendeeeeeed

If there's one job out there I'm not sure I could handle, as the curmudgeonly misanthrope that I am, it would be "Taxi Driver". You spend hours, often through the night, trapped inside a moving metal box with some of the drunkest, most annoying people imaginable. Ever found yourself annoyed because a taxi cut you off? Well have a bit of fucking empathy, because for all you know that driver is probably locked in a life or death, rear view mirror staring contest with an angry, drunk PCP addict with tattoos on his eyeballs asking him if he's ever seen inside a dog before. That man is trying to reach his destination as quickly as possible so he doesn't have to hear another minute of this disheveled businessman sobbing over his divorce as he quietly mutters about good places to jump from. Our taxi drivers put up with this sort of shit on a regular basis and I salute them for it. Don't believe me?

Okay, perhaps not concrete evidence of nation wide taxi driver oppression, but you have to give this guy credit. After a mere five seconds of listening to this grating "Valley Girl" accent I probably would have steered the car towards the nearest ocean and, as a final Fuck You to this smug, arrogant creature staining my car seat with her presence, I'd pull out a marker, do myself up in black-face and yell out "Uh oh! The horses is outta control massuh sir!" before meeting the sweet wet oblivion of the North Sea.

In case you couldn't make it through the video for fear of not being able to stop yourself from digging your own eardrums out with a kebab skewer; what we have here is Annaliese Nielsen (founder of "GodsGirls", a "Suicide Girls"-esque alt-porn site and alleged online brothel). A woman who, upon jumping into a "Lyft" taxi cab, found herself at the center of an injustice that could put the feelings of an entire "continent" at stake.

And that continent was Hawaii.

Yes, this woman with a salary undoubtedly greater than her brain cell count decided to berate a taxi driver for exercising his right as a human individual and decorate his dashboard with a small Hawaiian Hula Girl figurine. Now most people would think "who gives a microscopic shit about what some working class dude sticks to his car dashboard?" But most people aren't Annaliese Nielsen. Most people aren't imbued with the power of intercontinental empathy. Most people weren't dashed off a stone step when they were a child. So Annaliese is a truly unique individual with an unending compassion for people she's never met before, and yet thinks so little of that she thinks they'd crawl into the fetal position and go catatonic at the sight of a 3 inch piece of plastic. 

"So you wont get rid of the doll then? Because that was 'a really cute pick that you found at Goodwill.'"

This line here really gets me. "Goodwill" is a series of thrift stores, or charity shops, run through a non-profit organization. She's making fun of this man for being (supposedly) so poor that he has to shop at thrift stores. You see this is the sort of people that liberals used to make fun of; entitled, upper class elitists who look down their nose at others. Nowadays however the two seem to have merged. "I say old chap, that pleb of a driver of ours is in ownership of a highly racially insensitive figurine upon his dashboard! Hand me my riding crop! This peasant is in for the thrashing of his life I tell you!"

"Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets."

Like Zarna before her she attempts to get the name of the driver, supposedly to put him on "Gawker" (good luck with that), which only cements her stupidity because, from what I hear, Lyft texts you the name of your driver before he/she shows up. Which she probably would have known if she weren't recording herself acting like a raging cunt. The other, unseen, passenger in the vehicle refers to her as "sad" before Annaliese demands her name as well. Eventually she refers to the driver as a "fucking selfish, dumbass idiot," which prompts the driver to, very calmly, eject her from the vehicle. Unfortunately he stopped the car first.

Luckily, due to the negative reaction that both she and Zarna got from these videos, it was the last time anyone would ever post a video harassing someone under the impression that they'd be hailed as some kind of hero for it.  


3. Fidel Castro Was a Good and Loving Human Being Who Dindu Nuffin'

(Except Maybe Justin Trudeau's Mother)

Those of you who know me are probably well aware of my disdain for the current political left wing. It's constant PC pandering, it's elitist media, it's branding of anyone right of Karl Marx as a Nazi and it's demonization of gamers and video games themselves for "normalizing violence against women", despite having frequently criticized right wing commentators for very similar ideas in the past.

But I'm not here to go off on some political rant. So far our theme has surrounded people who are hilariously lacking in self-awareness. So what else can we find that matches our criteria? How about left wing politicians praising a murderous dictator?

Yup. That'll do it.

As Cuban exiles in Little Havana, Miami celebrated in the streets, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau praised Fidel Castro - after his death - as "a remarkable leader". Unfortunately he did not go on to explain how he "led" people to their deaths at the hands of his firing squads. Trudeau was entirely right, however, to say that Castro had a "deep and lasting impact on the Cuban people". It's just that those impacts tended to land somewhere near center mass and then hit the wall behind them.

The travesty of a democratically elected leader in a free country praising the dictator who helped bring the world to the brink of nuclear war wasn't lost on the denizens of Twitter however, as the hashtag #trudeaueulogies began to trend. Soon people were applying his own flawed logic to other pariahs of history.

    

The other thing that certainly wasn't lost on the media was the connection between Trudeau's family (particularly his father Pierre) and Castro, with Justin having met the dictator as a man. However the hashtag mockery quickly fell by the wayside when a bizarre theory emerged about Justin's parentage.

You have to admit, it's uncanny. But Canada wasn't the only politician falling victim to the hordes of twitter orcs regarding Castro. Our very own Jeremy Corbyn, much maligned leader of the slowly-eating-itself-alive Labour Party of Britain, found himself with his very own hashtag after giving his own little eulogy to Castro. And thus we were given #forallhisflaws.

Thanks Twitter hellspawn. I barely had to write any jokes at all.

Special thanks to Ashie who told me I was able to send myself pictures to save to my laptop. Smart arse.

4. Cliff Richard Sleeps in a Wooden Box Filled with the Earth of His Own Country 

......

Moving on.



5. Graham Linehan Was Slowly Going Insane and We Didn't Realize It

Have you ever heard the saying "Never meet your heroes"? Well it should probably be updated to "Never follow your heroes on Twitter."

Yeah, that's comedy genius and writer of "Father Ted," "Black Books," and "The IT Crowd," as well as sketches on "The Day Today" and "Brass Eye," Graham Linehan making a massive, racial and gender based, assumption about a large group of people who had a different opinion from him.

This is, of course, in reference to the big controversy over the latest all female "Ghostbusters" film, whose trailer was criticized by fans of the franchise as being awful in almost every conceivable way. And naturally, since the left wing press can only see things in terms of gender, race and sexuality, they automatically assumed that they were complaining because they didn't want cooties and girl tears all over their beloved franchise. When in fact what they didn't want all over their beloved franchise was shit. 

Oh god, I'm about to watch this.

But I digress. It's one thing when one of your heroes disagrees with you on a political issue. That's absolutely fine and if you find yourself unfollowing or unfriending someone based on a mere opinion then I automatically declare you hilarious and you should probably grow a pair of nuts and accept that not everyone is going to agree with you on everything. It's another thing entirely when said hero generalizes an entire group of people based on a differing opinion....

Or calls you stupid simply for respectfully disagreeing with him....

It's at that point where you might have to come to the uncomfortable conclusion that your hero may be an ideologue.

But now you're probably wondering, "Glenn, I understand, it sucks when it turns out a person you look up to is a bit of a raging cock. But surely this isn't any kind of basis for calling him insane. He's just expressing his opinion in an overly arrogant way. Everyone does that." And you would be right. The title of this segment is mostly for the purpose of hyperbole. However....

"WE BEAT 'EM BEFORE, WE'LL BEAT 'EM AGAIN!"

I remember hearing a favourite commentator of mine talking about cult behavior. One of the things that's symptomatic of cult behavior is establishing an "other". Someone outside of your group who aren't worth your time or any semblance of understanding or compassion. Anyone outside of the group can be put into this category. In this case we see the definition of "Nazi" being changed from "someone who subscribes to the ideology of the National Socialist Party of Germany in the 30s and 40s under Adolf Hitler" to "someone who holds a differing opinion from me, and also who probably isn't really human and so it's perfectly morally acceptable to skewer them with a bayonet."

Now understand that this isn't me defending Nazis or anything. I want to make that very clear. What I'm trying to point out is that when you define an entire group of people as something that is perfectly okay to hate and despise.... well....

Now of course this could just be a joke. He's a comedy writer after all. I am by no means suggesting that Graham Linehan is advocating for a Final Solution against Trump supporters. You didn't actually click on Alex Jones' secret hidden blog.

But this is a sad reality when it comes to the political sphere these days. Sometimes a differing opinion makes you less human in the eyes of others.

No one is safe from the virus.

6. You Can Still Become the Leader of the Free World, Even if you are Literally Hitler 

Yes, I will use this photo whenever I get the chance! What of it!?

I've given my opinion on Trump so many times that those of you who know me are probably sick and tired of it by now. But here it is one more time for those of you who missed it:

I think he's a brash, uncouth, narcissistic moron with little to no grasp of humour or the English language. He's a human cringe-fest whose biggest claim to fame is yelling the words "YOU'RE FIRED" at mini corporate psychopaths in waiting. I don't think he's literally Hitler though, because only Hitler was literally Hitler, and Hitler killed Hitler. Therefore Trump is not and cannot be literally Hitler, no matter how many times you change the definition of "literally" to "figuratively" in the dictionary.

I've also given my opinion of Hillary Clinton. I think she's a glorified criminal whose political past is so littered with skeletons you could use it as the prop room for a Hammer Horror film.

Basically America did not have the greatest of choices when it got down to the last two contenders. Hell they didn't have the best of choices when there were more than two. But what I take away from it all is this....

The establishment hated Trump. But they loved Hillary. But the people decided "No. Fuck the establishment," and so it was done. Same with Brexit in Britain. The establishment wanted to stay, the people said Leave. What this tells me is that the voice of the people still matters. We say "jump," and the powers that be will eventually have to say "How high?"

I don't see Trump as a leader. I see him as a lumbering super bowl mascot. A symbol of that time people rose up and told the elitists in the media and in government that they could fuck off and die in a fire. It's for this reason that I have no fears for either Britain or America in 2017. Like every other year it will have its good times and it will have its horrors. Some of the horrors might even be caused by our decisions in the past year. Perhaps Britain will completely collapse upon it's exit from the E.U. Perhaps Trump will turn entire states into concentration camps and women will have to walk the streets wearing protective iron underwear. Perhaps....

Perhaps none of that will happen.

Relax.

It's a new year.

Enjoy the light show.

SHOOOULD OOOOOLD AQUAINTANCE BEEEE FORGOT...!