Two Hours of My Life: Jurassic World

I borrowed my brother's copy of Jurassic World. Here's my experience watching it. Feel free to read along if you happen to be watching it yourself. I'm guessing it'll make more sense that way anyway.

6:00 - The younger brother just asked how much the island weighs. Yes I know the movie realizes this is stupid but let's make this clear; you have to do a lot to make me like a child character. Having him ask the most functionally retarded question this side of "how is babby formed?" literally minutes into the movie does not help his case. He's on the boat leaning over the side and I'm now lamenting the fact that sharks have not yet evolved the ability to jump 20 feet. His older brother is, of course, the standard teenage mix of walking erection and apathetic robot. Upon his girlfriend saying she loves him he gives her the Han Solo treatment and walks away as she grins at him with misplaced admiration. If he comes back from this trip he's going to find her in his room with slashed wrists and bloody note on the cupboard saying "MY LOVE FOR YOU IS PAIN."

17:00 - "Indominus Rex". Latin sounding word with "Rex" tacked on to the end so we know it's definitely a dinosaur. Even one of the characters points out how stupid this sounds quipping that they should just let the corporations name ALL the animals. I wonder if any of the writers were involved in the production of "Terminator: Genisys"? Speaking of Maximus Decimus Rex, I'm loving the Hannibal Lecter type air they're putting around her. Almost taking a trainer's arm, trying to break the glass, eating her own sibling. And no one seems to inquire as to whether it would be in any way safe to show this thing off the general public. Especially considering how badly things went at the first park, and they didn't even HAVE newfangled genetically freaked-up dinos. It's like Sea World covering their guests in fish guts and providing Tilikum the Orca with a pair of super fast mechanized legs and a large bib.

21:00 - Y'know, I think Wilson Fisk from Daredevil has a point. What would you rather have on the gravestone of your son who died at war?

"Here Lies Johnny Sumbugger; Taken from us early by a Screaming Jihadi."

Or:

"Here Lies Mike Randumbastard; Taken from us early by a trained Raptor."

Raptors at war; you know it makes sense.   

30:00 - Oh of course Owen (Chris Pratt) and Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) used to date. It's instant conflict in a fucking tin. I was just thinking that this dinosaur film was just begging for a clichéd romantic subplot whereby two people who are diametrically opposed in just about every way become infatuated for no particular reason over the course of the film. Let's all coo at the fact that they'll probably break up soon after the events of the film because having your lives threatened can be a natural aphrodisiac and Chris Pratt will probably have to throw Bryce to the raptors in order to drum enough emotions for sex.  

36:00 - It got out. Holy shit. I did not see that coming.

(Ad Break: And now YOU can be this sarcastic with the latest in training from Sarc Corp...!)

46:00 - We're now forty six minutes in. The subject of those two brothers' parents' divorce is suddenly brought up for no damn reason. For the first time. It's like the screenwriters pulled it out of their arse as an extra bit of conflict in the first draft and forgot to actually build it up in the rewrites. Apparently all the older one can do is stare creepily at girls, and all his younger brother can do is raise my blood pressure. I'm having fun. Also I'm starting to realize that the only person that isn't a complete fuckwit is Chris Pratt. And his second name's Pratt! Oh, and I'll be adding "IT CAN CAMOFLAGE" to the list of unintentionally hilarious film lines.

Authentic screen shot from Film

58:00 - I think I just realized what the two brothers are for. They're the goat. Remember? The goat from the first film that was bait for the T-Rex? Simple fodder for suspense. A patsy bleating away in the dark with us waiting for something to happen to it. Except here they've tried to characterize the goat. And it hasn't worked. And I'm irritated that I even had to point that out. I have no idea why Jimmy Fallon was there though. That'll have to remain a mystery.

The original goat resorted to plastic surgery to boost it's career.

01:02 - Okay, I'll admit; the scene with the dying apatosaurus was sad. Shut up! I can have feelings too!

Little Foot can't catch a fucking break.

01:08 - Ah we got there eventually. The bit where we pander to the audience's nostalgia. The two brothers/goats have stumbled upon the location of the original Jurassic Park. Not only that but they've found the classic night vision goggles and the 20 + year old jeep that they hilariously suggest that they're going to fix up, and probably will because this film is stupid. Meanwhile Wilson Fisk shows up and suggests that to combat the problem of the dinosaur running loose through the park, they must set more dinosaurs loose through the park. Specifically the raptors. Which were perfectly friendly in the previous movies if my memory serves me.

01:18 - Jesus Christ! She was just Claire's assistant! She barely showed up in the movie! And you gave her THAT death? What the hell for? She got mauled by a pterosaur, and then both she and the pterosaur get gobbled down by Shamu's overgrown, acne ridden cousin! That's the sort of death relegated for villains and hopefully me when I finally get bored of this life and seek an interesting end.

01:20 - There you go ladies. The way to a man's heart. Simply rescue him from a hungry pterosaur. What's your excuse, eh?!

01:22 - I'm calling it right now. Wilson Fisk is going to get mauled by a raptor. It's not a stretch. This film is about as subtle as my Blog title.

01:39 - I called it! I fucking called it! Wilson Fisk got mauled to death by a raptor. I have no idea why I'm so proud of this. I guess I'm just taking what I can right now. As for the plan to fight killer dinosaurs with killer dinosaurs, well that failed (who knew?). But Wilson isn't deterred. He still thinks dinos are perfect weapons. Well... not now anyway. Right now he's shooting through a raptor's digestive system like a kid on a waterslide. Hey, maybe he was right all along.

01:41 - I'm starting to think "One Man and his Dog" would've been a lot better with raptors instead of collies. I'm also starting to think I shouldn't have pressed play. Oh well, hindsight's 20/20.

01:46 - Okay.... So the T-Rex and the last living Raptor are fighting together to take down the Frankensaur? I have to admit... this is stupidly awesome. And it only took an hour and three quarters.

01:47 - AAAAANNND SHAMU'S FREAKY COUSIN HAS STOLEN THE VICTORY WITH A FLYING THROAT CRUNCH! THIS HAS BEEN WDWE (World Dino Wrestling Entertainment) WITH THIS YEAR'S DIIIINNNOOOOOSLLAAAAAAAMMMM! AND WE NEVER DID FIND OUT IF THEIR PARENTS GOT DIVORCED! OOOOHHH NOOOOOO!

And the ref isn't looking. As usual.

VERDICT:

This.... could've been worse. But in the long run, it's not particularly good either. Of course it isn't, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered giving you a running commentary. I mean, who wants to read about someone loving a movie? Or anything for that matter? Hatred is funny... Hatred is power.... Hatred makes the world turn.

Anyways, it's simply another attempt to cash in on this generation's nostalgia addiction. Take X popular series from the 80s onwards, make sub par sequel, use NASA built, planet sized vacuum to hoover up the cash, wake up covered in cocaine and surrounded by whores, lather, rinse, re-fucking-peat. The funny thing is the film even seems to point this out itself as Bryce Dallas Howard rather matter-of-factly states that Dinosaurs are boring now. It's almost as if the first film was groundbreaking for it's time and to try and make another film that practically does the same thing but with half the skill, and at a time where giant CGI monsters are more common than indoor toilets is kind of the very definition of beating a dead horse. Aside from literally beating a dead horse.

The characters are mostly overdone archetypes with underdone story arcs. Chris Pratt is the maverick "badass", Bryce Dallas Howard is the overworked, prim and proper businesswoman who's estranged from her family but at the end... isn't... I guess. The two brothers, one prepubescent and excitable/dorky and the other teenage, cold towards his dorky brother and prone to salivating over anything with tits and an IPhone. All of them with very murky character development. Doesn't help that most of them are complete idiots as well.

But I guess that couldn't be helped. In this universe a visit to a dinosaur park went tits up when a T-Rex and some raptors got loose, in the second a T-Rex ended up lumbering through a city, in the third.....

.................
But all that doesn't stop them from thinking, "Let's try that whole Dinosaur Park thing again, but this time we'll develop a super dinosaur that's fine tuned for killing everything." This is what went through my head the moment I saw the trailer for the damn thing.

I recommend skipping to the dino fight near the end though.