Imagine, if you will, a sequel to the famed Friday the 13th films in which Jason doesn't actually have to chase his victims. He just shows up and the moment everyone sees him they zombie-walk over to him whispering something vague about their dead mother, call him beautiful and headbutt his machete until they collapse in a gory mess. Sounds a little bit shit doesn't it? Well let's take it further. In order to combat this phenomena his would be victims blindfold themselves whenever they go outside and not only can Jason himself not go inside houses, he can't actually harm you as long as you have your blindfold on. But he can jump up and down and make noises.
That would be my enormously uncharitable description of the film "Bird Box" starring Sandra Bullock as Malorie; a thirtysomething, unemployed artist with daddy issues and the spunk of an invisible truck driver rattling in her womb. After a visit to the doctor with her sister the effects of a mysterious global crisis involving mass, unexplained suicides washes up at her doorstep, resulting in the death of her sister, her joining up with a group of survivors and John Malkovich being mildly annoyed.
It is suggested that various beings with the ability to take the form of your worst fear/dead relatives have practically taken over the world and the only way to defend yourself from them when outside is to don a blindfold and attempt to navigate roaring rivers in old rowboats with children in tow.
First of all, it's a Netflix movie, so it looks like a glorified student film with the budget of half a shoestring and a Congolese slave child. Secondly it's written by Eric Heisserer (albeit based on a novel) who was responsible for the atrocity that was The Thing Prequel and the overrated snorefest that was "The Arrival." Thirdly, am I the only one who got flashbacks to "The Happening"? Seriously it does feel like someone watched that film and decided to try and remake it, but do it right this time. From the deadly entity manifesting itself as a living gust of wind to the hilarious suicides it provokes plus the verbatim use of the classic "WE'RE NOT ASSHOLES" line directly from "The Happening", this honestly did seem like a covert attempt at a remake. And apparently (having just looked it up) I wasn't the only person who thought so.
Outside of these elements the film follows a fairly typical post-apocalypse drama formula. Main character teams up with a rag-tag group of people, one of them is a cynical, selfish, loudmouthed arsehole (who invariably ends up being right later in the film), at some point they run out of food and have to go on a supply run that goes horribly (and in this case, hilariously) wrong. This film however decides to break up the cliche ridden backstory with glimpses into the future with Sandra Bullock guiding two largely personality bereft children down a river and their subsequent encounters. It's not boring by any stretch but it vacillates between passably standard and unbridled silliness.
One attempt at serious emotional drama here, a fat woman diving head first through an unopened window there. This film is like attending a funeral where every now and then a clown on a unicycle crashes the party and sets itself on fire in front of the guests. But then the funeral just continues on its original path as if nothing happened. If this film was indeed an attempt to remake "The Happening" then clearly they were unable to shed the aformentioned film's notoriety for unintentional humour through slapstick suicide. And quite frankly why would they want to? This stuff is classic.
Is it all bad? Not necessarily. The performances are solid if occasionally cheesy (John Malkovich chews the scenery as usual) and it holds your attention well enough. The trouble is that whatever serious intention it may have had is scuppered by the unintentional hilarity of the death scenes and I think they probably should have played up the threat of the unblindfolded people who force others to gaze upon the creature a little bit more. Beyond that the story is predictable and there's really not enough real horror elements to satisfy the "28 Days Later" crowd.
All in all, this is a silly film that tries to take itself seriously and fails for the most part. Recommended for drunken parties with your mates. But at that point you could just as easily watch "The Happening". It's shorter, funnier and has Mark Wahlberg going "What? No."
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