Train to Busan - What the Fuck Was I Waiting For?

Far be it from me to review yet another film about a viral outbreak and the resultant fallout but this happened to be in my DVD collection and being that I am still under collective house arrest I thought I'd give it a watch. Yes, DVDs, remember those? They're those weird plastic frisbee things we used to use to dispense visual entertainment before we started paying corporations to curate said visual entertainment for us on snazzy looking websites and almost immediately regretted it when they started making their own. 

For sure I am not one to wallow in misery as it casts its shadow perched upon the bust of Pallas just above my chamber door. Perched and sitting and nothing more. Take thy beak from out my heart and take thy form from off my door!

Nonetheless here I am, and yet no misery casts its shadow here, as I am glad to announce that not only is the film 'Train to Busan' one of the best modern zombie flicks I've seen, it's nice to see that the Koreans of all people are making movies that people actually want to fucking see. There must be something about living in the shadow of a tin-pot communist regime that regularly threatens you with war that's a recipe for churning out badass fucking movies. I actually don't think I've seen a single Korean film in recent years I've disliked. Maybe 'The Wailing' but even then it was far from shit. I'll take it over 'Midsommar' any day, although I will admit I'd take an acid bath before watching that shitshow again.

Seriously though, what WAS that? It was like if you had Quentin Tarantino write 'The Wicker Man' with a brick lodged in his frontal lobe. If 'Hereditary' was the sex of a lifetime then 'Midsommar' was the subsequent AIDS diagnosis.  

But anyways, enough negativity. Let's get on with the praise.

Seo Seok-Woo reluctantly gets on a train to Busan Metropolitan City to escort his young daughter Su-an to spend her birthday with her mother. As they make the journey, chaos abounds outside as riots and violence seem to spread with little indication as to the cause. When a wounded person enters the train and attacks some people, it becomes apparent that the zombie apocalypse has finally happened; and true to the law of sod, you're unarmed and on a fucking train instead of shut away in your hentai bunker.

One of my pet peeves, particularly when it comes to Western films, is the trope of the workaholic father. Not necessarily because it's over-played or not true to life, but mostly because of how they tend to be treated. That being with some level of contempt. 

It's same in a lot of movies; a man works long hours in a shitty corporate job dealing with idiot shareholders, dull portfolios and now autists on Reddit; only to come home to an ungrateful wife and child who'll take just enough time out of the life of luxury their husband and father has built for them with his own two calloused and bleeding hands to tell him he's 'just not there', y'know?

Yes, Sharon, I'm not there. You know why? Because I'm at the office slaving my nuts off to keep the kids fed and you in fur-coats, jars of potpourri and canvases that say 'Live, Laugh, Love' on them. I'm up to my tits in spreadsheets and memes about 'stonks' so that you can go to the spa on the weekend with the girls; and Stevie, did you walk this dog? I told you, if you're gonna have the dog you're gonna fucking walk him, or Mister Sausage goes back to the shelter to meet Doctor Needle!

Point is that dads in movies, and in real life, get a lot of flack. It matters little what they do, society is always asking more of them and to top it all off they tend to get shafted and shit on from a great height. And it seems initially that 'Train to Busan' is playing to this trope. Fortunately it doesn't and through a fine performance from Gong Yoo as well as a terrific turn from child actress Kim Su-an, this film may be the most pro-dad movie since 'Sudden Death' starring Jean-Claude Van-Damme.

Early in the film Seok-Woo meets Sang-Wa, a tough bloke with a pregnant wife who initially treats Seok-Woo with some contempt given his profession as a Fund Manager. Eventually they're forced to team up, along with a young male athlete, to fight their way through a train filled with rage zombies to rescue their loved ones; and upon viewing these sequences my conclusion is that South Korean film-makers are weirdly good at filming action scenes on moving trains. 

Speaking of the action, it fucking rules. I can get that it's sometimes difficult to merge genres like action with horror since part of the point of horror is often the helplessness one can feel in a situation that's beyond your control, but Train to Busan merges the two almost seamlessly. Again, I don't want to harp on it, but the scenes where the three men battle their way through gore-streaked train carriages with nothing but a baseball bat and their own fists are practical perfection. If there's any scene in a movie that requires a heavy metal soundtrack, it's that one. 

Of course it's a zombie film, so where would we be without some ham-fisted social commentary; and here it comes in the form of Yon-Suk, the chief operations officer of the train company and believe me, he does fucking suck. He's one of the most cowardly and hateable characters to ever grace the screen and only becomes more of a contemptible shit as the film goes on. He manages to convince an entire train carriage full of people that our heroes are the dangerous ones due to the possibility that they may have become infected after bulldozing through hordes of the dead. Prescient considering the hysteria that's come about as a result of a certain other epidemic that shall remain nameless. 

What's the definition of 'Insanity' again?

But this film's aim isn't social commentary. When it isn't putting hairs on your chest with testosterone fueled zombie skull crushing it's pulling you in with eminently likeable characters. Seok-Woo begins the film as an insensitive and emotionally distant father neglecting his child for a soulless career in finance who tends to put himself above others, to a determined warrior, fighting for his daughter's life. Sang-Wa, or as I like to call him, the Magnificent Butcher, is probably my favourite character, if not for his tough attitude then for his tendency to beat zombies with his bare fists. 

What? You need a gun? What are you, some kind of fa...?

...bulous individual? Hahaha, please don't arrest me.

As already stated Kim Su-an, the actress that plays Seok-Woo's daughter, does a fine job, especially in a world where child actors can turn entire scenes into nails on a chalkboard. She begins somewhat stoic, although clearly miserable at the situation between her parents and her father's perceived indifference and selfishness. Later on however she acts up a storm, contributing to some genuinely heart-wrenching, if not a tad melodramatic, moments. 

In a world where zombie flicks are so abundant they could be used as Venezuelan currency, Train to Busan stands out as a genuinely ass-kicking and emotional, well, ride, through a uniquely Asian zombie apocalypse. 

Overall Quality - 4/5 

If you're looking for a George Romero style satirical dark comedy then there's some of that, but this is more 'Night' and 'Day' than 'Dawn'. Focusing more on character and action than social commentary, to make use of an overused term, Train to Busan will in fact keep you on the edge of your seat. Character deaths are like a punch to the gut, even in moments where they don't make much sense, and small inconsistencies in the time it takes for someone to turn feral after being bitten are more than made up for by some excellent action direction. As such I'm very interested in checking out the animated prequel 'Seoul Station' and the recently released spiritual sequel 'Peninsula'.

Idiot Rating - 1/5

No idiocy here, just great action. Like any South Korean thriller it has its sense of humour, some of it coming from the character of the traumatized homeless man, who goes out like a boss anyway so he's not just a comic relief character in the long run. 

This film was in my DVD collection for a good while and so when I put it on at the recommendation of some friends, I was delighted to find myself asking 'What the fuck was I waiting for?' Hopefully you'll think the same. 

I'm DeadEye and go buy your dad a beer for putting up with you for this long. Some day he might save you in the zombie apocalypse.   

Songbird (2020) - SPOILERS

Well, as of writing this review the UK is still in lockdown, our mental and physical health is fucked and so is the economy, the West is now China's bitch and I am slowly turning into Jack Torrance. So you know what that means. That's right, time for Hollywood to cash the fuck in, because only they could take the stark, horrible reality of our situation, ram it through a filter of lens-flares and saccharine bullshit and sell it straight back to us on Amazon for those sweet, sweet Covid bucks. 

Then again by the time all of this is over with, Gambol here wont even have a nickel for his grandma.

ENOUGH of the Lockdowns!

 

So I suppose I can't blame their avarice, I mean we're all looking for ways to make money. I personally am thinking of starting up an Onlyfans account. Can't let Bad Orange Man have all the fun. 

Inevitably the Michael Bay produced viral thriller 'Songbird' has gained a bit of backlash for its cynical exploitation of a worldwide tragedy. And when I say 'backlash' I mean some Twitter randomers decided to act shocked and appalled for likes and retweets and some low level news outlets picked up on it. 'OMG, Covid-23? Dis twailor made me pee my pants!' I know right? A movie exaggerating things for dramatic effect? Say it ain't so. 

'I hate to give this movie attention it doesn't deserve....' Then why do it? Stop typing. Get off the Twatter. There's a whole world out there. Oh wait, most of it's locked down because of measures you and your retarded Twitter spawn brethren probably support. Oh well. Continue to complain about things that don't matter. 

Speaking of complaining about things that don't matter; this movie. It doesn't deserve anywhere near even the minority backlash it's receiving. Not because it's good, if anything it's astoundingly mediocre at best; and not even because it isn't controversial. In fact it seems to go out of its way to NOT say anything controversial. It's just fucking there. Hell, aside from one or two moments involving Peter Stormare channeling Gary Oldman in 'Leon', it isn't even entertaining. 

It's the year 2023. Covid-19 has mutated into Covid-23, presumably because people refused to wear masks during sex. People are holed up in their homes, talking to each other via Skype and getting things delivered to them via courier. So far this sounds almost like how thing were BEFORE the lockdowns. But that's not all; people are subject to regular temperature checks via their phones and if you're found to have a fever then you're assumed to have the Coof and a bunch of nice men in hazmat suits will knock politely on your door and escort you to the concentration ca... I mean, Quarantine Zone for what will no doubt be top quality medical care. 

We follow Nico, one of these couriers whose girlfriend whom he's never met in person finds herself about to be taken to one of these Zones after her mother dies of the Coof, despite the fact that she seems to be immune herself. It's up to Nico to procure an immunity bracelet for his girlfriend before she is menaced to death by Peter Stormare. 

On the face of it, 'Songbird' seems like a fine opportunity to explore themes surrounding the rights of the individual in the midst of a pandemic; or perhaps even how reliant we've become on social media and technology as a means of communicating with each other regardless of any lockdowns. But this is a Michael Bay movie, to expect nuanced social commentary from the man who gave us Skid and Mudflap is a folly to rival the lockdowns themselves.

Realistically the film is a romantic thriller, and despite the film being neither written nor directed by Bay himself, make no mistake, this is a Michael Bay movie. From the glossy production value, needlessly frenetic camerawork and editing and the saccharine, soap opera level dialogue, the only way this could be more Michael Bay is if you extended the runtime to around 3 hours and added an Aerosmith ballad. 

Thankfully this film isn't so cruel; with a runtime of around 85 minutes it doesn't outstay its welcome too long and moves at a decent pace so as to prevent me from gnawing off my own foot in terminal boredom. But in the long run, it still suffers from what I like to call 'Jingling Keys Direction.' It's designed to keep your mind occupied for long enough for you to not realize that what you're watching is a cinematic piss stream. 

And I'm not even talking dark green, opaque with chunks of kidney stone piss either. I'm talking about watery, transparent piss that barely leaves a scent behind and would probably keep a houseplant alive. It's not even bad bad. It lacks the acidity of real bad. Or real good for that matter. 

The story itself is pretty paper thin, with Nico's own story only taking up about a third of the movie. Another third involves an boomer couple, one of which is played by Demi Moore, conspiring with Peter Stormare's character to sell illegal immunity bracelets. The other third involves a disabled war veteran developing a relationship with a YouTube singer, whose only real connection to the rest of the plot is the fact that she's hired by the boomer husband as a personal prostitute. Some interesting ideas never explored in any satisfactory way. 

Whilst the first two thirds of the story connect up enough of a thread for maybe a mediocre 50 minute episode of 'Black Mirror', the last third never really establishes a proper connection to the rest of it, despite the fact that the movie seems to be named for the singer character.

The film's most entertaining aspect is probably Peter Stormare as Harland, the head of the 'Sanitation Department' which has the power to detain people and take them to the camps. As usual Stormare crazies up a storm, stabbing people at random and being generally menacing. He's completely unbelievable as a villain and his backstory only makes things more confusing. Apparently he was a garbage truck driver whose superiors died off one by one and eventually he found himself running things. 

   

Sorry, what? Is this film trying to tell me that if I kill the Mayor of my city and then keep killing his acting replacements, then eventually my entire city will be run by a single street-sweeper? I don't think that's how that works, movie. I don't think local sanitation works the same way as the line to the presidency.

At any rate I just like the fact that Stabby McStabberson here ended up in a position of authority. That's government for you. 

He's not even a competent villain. At one point Demi Moore lures the Nico character into a trap where he meets up with Harland to get some illegal immunity bracelets, and instead of simply having him arrested by the authorities he himself controls, just decides to try and stab him - after all he is Stabby McStabberson - only to get headbutted by Nico who then escapes with the help of some crazy resistance hobo who we never see again for the rest of the movie. 

And once again, the shitty villain death rears its ugly head as Nico ends the saga of Stabby McStabberson with a well placed pencil to the neck. Pencils that the movie took painstaking efforts to establish beforehand. Textbook Chekhov's Gun, movie. I'm proud of you. 

It all kind of ends with everything being wrapped up in a neat little package, despite everything not being wrapped up in a neat little package. Nico and his girlfriend finally get together and leave the city; Demi Moore's character never really receives any kind of comeuppance but her husband's dead, so yay for her; Craig Robinson who plays Nico's boss gets his own illegal immunity bracelet and the Songbird is now free to continue singing songs on YouTube as Nico gives a cringeworthy and optimistic end narration about how 'we weren't delivering packages, we were delivering hope'. 

Yeah bud, delivering hope to rich boomers in gated communities. I'm sure all those people locked up in Tik-Tok Dance Video Training Camps are feeling a lot of that hope right about now. We're all in this together after all.  

Overall Quality Rating - 2/5

The movie uses current events as a jumping off point but pretty much fails to make any kind of use of the backdrop or make any comment on it. As such it's not the freedom movie some anti-lockdowners may hope it to be and nowhere near the irresponsible incitement to disobedience or exploitation of suffering that pro-lockdowners might think. Paper-thin, saccharine and generally stupid, it's only real upside is that it's well produced and isn't too long. 

Idiot Rating - 2/5

Not even much to recommend for hilarity's sake either. Peter Stormare is fun to watch and there are one or two moments that genuinely made me laugh; such as the scene where Demi Moore's husband visits his personal prostitute while wearing a Blue Velvet style oxygen mask and she's wearing fucking PPE along with her sexy lingerie, and no, it isn't played for laughs. Another scene involving the same two characters and a remote control drone with a built on gun is also notable as being one of the more entertaining moments in the film. 

I'm DeadEye and I hope you all catch Hope. 

Roadgames (1981) - In the Outback, No One Can Hear a Dingo Bark

Tell me this, ladies and gents: What do you get when you cross English prisoner DNA, Scottish governance, a land where everything down to the plant life wants to kill you and copious amounts of industrial grain alcohol?

Well there can only be one answer to that.

That's right. Australia. The Land Down Under. The land that gave you AC/DC, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, this video, and probably future war with China. The land that comprises around 90% of the shitposting community despite having the least functional internet of all the OECD countries. And given all that, what other country could provide us with such insane cinema gems as:

Razorback

Dead End Drive-In

The Man From Hong Kong

Harlequin

Day of the Panther

Strike of the Panther

Fair Game

Mad Max

And many others. Chances are if you've seen a Brian Trenchard Smith film, then my friend, you have been Aussied. 

But I'm not here to talk exclusively about the achievements of the Empire (although trust me, it has occurred to me). I'm here to do what I always do which is talk about films I've seen. Which shows you how dull my life is. And as you've no doubt gleaned, I watched an Australian film. A seemingly little known Hitchcockian thriller known as "Roadgames". 

Described by the director, Richard Franklin, as "Rear Window" in a truck; "Roadgames" stars Stacy Keach as Pat Quid, an American trucker in the outback tasked with transporting meat from Melbourne to Perth. On his way he encounters numerous characters such as a woman whose husband leaves her behind on the road for being annoying, the owner of an ill-fated boat, a motorist with an inexplicable number of balls in the back of his car and of course Jamie Lee Curtis as Pamela, a hitchhiker looking for adventure on the road. On this journey he becomes suspicious of a man in a green van as the police hunt for a serial killer who dismembers his victims and leaves their body parts scattered around the country. 

Of course Green Van Man turns out to be the murderer in question and after Pamela is taken hostage by the killer and Quid is fingered by the police as the prime suspect, Quid finds himself in a race against time to track down the killer and save both Pamela and himself.

Firstly, this is no dreary road movie. This film is pure Hitchcock, from the (implied to be sexually motivated) psychopathic antagonist, the witness turned suspect wrongfully pursued by the law, to the very wicked sense of humour, Roadgames isn't covering up its inspiration. No wonder then that it's praised by the likes of Quentin Tarantino, as that's pretty much his career in a nutshell. 

Stacy Keach is by far the best thing about this movie, and given that the rest of the movie is pretty golden, that's saying a lot. He plays a character who is high on intelligence and low on ambition and every moment he's on the screen is entertaining. The fun and fast paced dialogue written by Everett De Roche (writer of "Razorback", "Harlequin", "Long Weekend" and many others) certainly contributes to the overall charm, even when Keach's only acting partner in a scene is a sleepy looking dingo. 

Pat Quid as a character is I guess what you could call a self-trained snob but not insufferably so, frequently claiming that "Just because I drive a truck, doesn't mean I'm a truck driver." His tendency to overanalyze the world around him is only complimented when he picks up hitchhiker Pamela, played by Jamie Lee Curtis, who despite being the Scream Queen and this being a serial killer movie, never actually lets out a scream. But to be fair that's kind of hard to do when you have a sack over your head. Their chemistry is excellent, even to a point where a romantic scene happens between the two and it doesn't really come off cringeworthy despite the age difference between the two characters. 

Stacy Keach himself even said that it was a bit of a coincidence to have two Americans meet in the middle of the Outback, but it works as the idea of the two foreigners in a strange and hostile land only lends itself to the scenes of genuine suspense and dread that comes later in the film. This isn't first time an Everett De Roche scripted film has left me with that sense of dread, as "Long Weekend" managed to scare me with a manatee's corpse. Indeed Greg McLean, director "Wolf Creek", names Roadgames as a definite inspiration for Wolf Creek and it's not hard to see why. 

The killer himself is played by stuntman Grant Page, and in true "Halloween" style he doesn't say a word. We never find out what his motivations are beyond speculation from our main protagonists. All we know is that he kills women and that his wits match that of Pat Quid in their game of cat and mouse across the plains of Australia. Further proving that sometimes the scariest antagonist is the one that's unknown and yet entirely familiar. If I were to lay down one gripe about the film's handling of the killer, I'd say it's that I probably wouldn't have revealed his face so early on. I think it would have lent a more mysterious slant to the character, perhaps even leaving you wondering if he's even real or not, a la "The Hitcher". Indeed the first murder scene makes his first appearance in the blinding light of the hotel bathroom seem almost supernatural and that's kind of undermined a little when you see pretty quickly that he's just some bloke. 

Overall Quality Rating - 4/5

Roadgames is definitely a treat for both Hitchcock fans and fans of Aussie cinema. The film crew actually made the journey that the characters do from Melbourne in Victoria all the way to Perth in Western Australia, so if you're looking for a film that displays the beauty and desolation of the Outback in all its glory, then Roadgames is the film for you. Other than that, it's a classic and highly influential thriller and I recommend it to anyone.

Idiot Rating - 3/5

The film has an excellent sense of humour. Stacy Keach is constantly cracking often Dad level jokes, and the characters that he comes across on his journey are often strange and hilarious in their own right, with special attention paid to a certain man with a certain doomed boat. The film even ends with a very dark piece of comic imagery, meaning you'll be laughing about as much as you'll be fearing for the character's lives. 

I'm DeadEye... g'day mate.

King of New York (1990) - Basically Grand Theft Auto: The Movie

Abel Ferrara may be the most underrated director on the planet, and his 1990 movie, "King of New York", is ample evidence of this fact. He might be more well known for the video nasty "Driller Killer", starring himself; or crime drama "Bad Lieutenant", starring Harvey Keitel's penis; but he should also be commended for often schlocky and exploitative efforts such as rape-revenge movie "Ms. 45", kung-fu serial killer movie "Fear City" (yes, that's what I said, kung-fu serial killer), and unjustly underrated sci-fi horror flick "Body Snatchers". Beyond all that, "King of New York" represents both Ferrara and long-time collaborator and screenwriter Nicholas St. John at their apex. 

At its core "King of New York" is basically a B gangster flick, and some may even mistake it for a low rent version of "Scarface". But fuck that, because having watched it again after years of not seeing it and stupidly watching nonsense like "The Snowman", "King of New York" might be up there as one of my favourite movies. If you don't like this movie then you quite literally have no balls. You were born without genitals.

Or merely lost them.

The film stars Christopher Walken as Frank White; a drug lord who has recently been released from prison having been jailed presumably for being a suspected reptilian. And as can be expected it isn't two seconds after crossing the prison gate threshold that people start dying. The movie throws you straight into the action as Frank White's henchmen on the outside start killing off the competition one by one; and as the film goes on, the rivers of blood get so thick and copious that New York City Council begins talks to invest in a giant tax-payer funded street tampon to steady the flow.

You ever feel... you know... not so fresh?

As soon as Frank is free he begins talks with other drug lords, pimps and drug pimps to engage in some free trade agreements under the presumed intention of funding some inner city children's hospitals. Naturally when they turn him down they find that they have unintentionally purchased themselves first class tickets on the express train to Hell. 

Whilst some gangster flicks revel a little too much in torture or internal gangland politics, "King of New York" presents the audience with quick and wrenching moments of violence that characterize Frank White as a man of ruthless efficiency with little taste for sadism and a sweet tooth for being the man at the top. Some scenes in this movie honestly resemble a "Grand Theft Auto" playthrough and that is by no means a criticism, as Ferrara's almost fly-on-the-wall style of direction (similar to his later effort "Bad Lieutenant") lends a certain level of realism to the events. 

Of course what gangster movie wouldn't be complete without its law enforcement element?  David Caruso, Wesley Snipes and Victor Argo take up Frank White's opposition on the other side of the law. Dennis Gilley, played by Caruso, displays a volatile character, almost as morally questionable as the people he hunts down, and whose actions lead to not only his own downfall but that of his close friends on the force. 

Just about every scene in this film has some memorable element to it. From an opening scene where a rival drug lord makes his way through his palatial home with scantily clad hookers strewn about like crisp packets, only to be gunned down in a phone booth just outside; to an otherwise standard street gun battle that's made eminently more notable with the addition of a gorgeous black woman in a leather jacket and gangster hat careening around the corner in a black car, sticking out of the sun roof and annihilating anything that moves with a machine gun (what did I say about this basically being a GTA movie?). If the film indeed has one flaw it's that its plot moves so quickly that at times some of the scenes be blurry; but this only results in many of the key scenes - such as the night club shooting scene in which Laurence Fishburne dual wields pistols - becoming all the more memorable and almost iconic. 

Again, unlike Ferrara's later and perhaps more well known effort, "Bad Lieutenant", "King of New York" doesn't attempt to throw any kind of moral at you. The closest it comes is in a scene towards the end, and whilst Bad Lieutenant's moral seemed confusing at best and ass-backwards at worst, King of New York condenses it into a single line.

"I spent half my life in prison, I never got away with anything and I never killed anybody who didn't deserve it."

Similar to Tony Montana:

"I never fucked anyone over in my life didn't have it coming to them."

Less a moral than a justification for what Frank White does. And to be fair, it seems born out by what you see in the movie. Frank only seems to kill people he has a personal or moral disapproval of and most of them are other gangsters who engage in practices such as human trafficking and child prostitution. In fact the only arguably innocent guy who Frank kills in the film is Roy Bishop (played by Victor Argo) a police officer. It's only at that point where we see Frank face the consequences of his actions, as he sits in the back of a taxi with a gunshot wound in his stomach and the police slowly closing in on him. 

Is it as dramatic as "Scarface"? No, not really. I mean you can't get much more dramatic than a coked up Cuban murdering scores of gunmen with a grenade launching M16 machine gun, so really the comparison is a tad unfair. But King of New York is not Scarface and it's not trying to be. Whilst Tony Montana meets his maker as a result of actually doing a good thing for once in his life, Frank White's fast paced and debauched lifestyle simply catches up to him. In a way his character and that of David Caruso's follow a very similar path. His own hubris consumes those around him and ultimately leads to his own demise. 

But fuck the analyzing, because even without any subtext or messaging, King of New York is a film fit for a King.

Overall Quality Rating - 5/5   

I love this movie and it's without a doubt one of my favourites. It's visually arresting, its characters are fun to watch despite not being entirely sympathetic, and it's just generally filled wth guns, tits and Christopher Walken looking like he wants to eat you like the lizard person that he is.  

Idiot Rating - 2/5

There are some fun moments such as the first shootout scene where one of Frank's men bursts in yelling "Room Service, motherfucker!" Another notable moment is a scene where Wesley Snipes tries to coax Laurence Fishburne out of hiding during a gun fight by offering him fried chicken. But this is no idiot film. The fun moments are entirely intentional and genuinely funny. Recommended without reservation. 

I'm DeadEye, and Christopher Walken smiles at you while you sleep.

 

The Snowman (2017) - WORST REMAKE EVER

 

In a way, I kind of have a love/hate relationship with remakes. Some of them are great. In fact my favourite movie, "John Carpenter's The Thing", is technically a remake of an older film. David Cronenberg's version of "The Fly" is of course a disgusting classic, as is the lesser known Chuck Russell version of "The Blob". There is "Cat People" but we don't talk about "Cat People", unless it's in reference to Nastassja Kinski. 

"Nastassja, is that your father, Klaus, poking a rifle into my back,
or are you just glad to see me?"
"What?"
"Please, help." 

But all those films had one thing in common, and no it wasn't just that they actually updated the stories of the original films with groundbreaking special effects of the time and the unique visions of the individual directors. It was that they were all made in the fucking 80s and therefore they piss on anything that ever came out in subsequent decades. And yes, fat nerds, that includes your precious MCU. How does it feel knowing that each viewing of "Avengers: Endgame" is directly correlated with a marked decrease in Testosterone levels? I don't need a fucking study. You need Kurt Russell.

"Is that a shotgun in my hands pointed at your face,
or am I just glad to see you?"
"What?"
"NO." (Shotgun blast)

(Side Note: Even though "The Thing" is my favourite movie, let it be known that "Tombstone" is the best movie ever made and don't ever let the question part from your lips ever again, less you want them NO'd into oblivion)

So anyways, the original "The Snowman" is a Christmas classic. Fine animation, atmospheric music and an iconic main song sung by Aled Jones culminates in a bittersweet little tale told without a single line of dialogue. It's animation and indeed visual storytelling at its finest. Plus it made a cracking Irn Bru ad. 

 This on the other hand:

This is a fucking travesty.

I'm sad to admit that I was pumped for this movie. I mean sure, Disney's live action remakes of their own animated classics have largely been an exercise in redundancy as far as I'm concerned, but this was different. They got the guy who made "Let the Right One In" to direct and personally I thought Michael Fassbender was a fantastic choice to play the titular Snowman. 

But upon viewing the film I was utterly shocked to find that he never once dons a snowman costume. In fact there are multiple snowmen in the film, not just one; and not only does Michael Fassbender not play any of them, none of the others actually do anything. They sit there. They don't even fly or tragically melt at the end making children cry.  

Plus there are a lot more dead women than I remember in the original film. Granted it's been a while since I've seen it and my memory is fuzzy, but I don't recall there being any serial murderers in the original. I know Hollywood has this obsession with "gritty reimaginings" of things but quite frankly this is exactly the same as pissing on the Quran. 

"Who cares, GLENN," I here you dribble incoherently, "It's a different movie, GLENN. You should separate it from the original, GLENN." Okay, fine. But even if you do separate it from the original in your mind and treat it as its own entity, the movie is still shit. Shit I tell you!

Michael Fassbender plays Inspector Harry Hole, who works for the Oslo police and is an amalgam of just about every hard drinking, chain smoking, estranged and generally traumatized TV detective out there. When women start turning up missing with only the calling card of a snowman built near the scenes of the crimes, it's up to the Inspector and his plucky female sidekick to discover the Hole truth. 

Firstly, this is pretty much every serial killer movie ever made but worse. As stated previously Harry Hole is the archetype Will Graham-esque traumatized detective, who despite being an alcoholic with a habit of sleeping in children's playgrounds, also happens to be a brilliant practitioner whose cases are studied in universities. You have the estranged family issues, which don't amount to much; there's some implied corruption in local business circles, which, again, amounts to very little; and whilst the movie takes itself undeservedly seriously this film is home to some occasional moments of serial killer silliness that seem more at home in an episode of "A Touch of Cloth" than a serious mystery film. 

For example; Chloe Sevigny stars as one of the ultimate victims of the killer and upon the discovery of her headless corpse, the police investigate the nearby area only to find her severed head perched atop the body of a snowman, complete with stick arms and buttons made out of clusters of coffee beans for some reason. Although this shouldn't have surprised me given Chloe Sevigny's past of giving head for a film production. 

It's just one of the moments where you sit there and think "Why?" Why would anyone do that? The killing women part I get. Hell, I even sympathize. But not even the Zodiac would pull this kind nonsense. And when a further moment comes where the killer blows off Val Kilmer's head with a shotgun (yes, Val Kilmer is in this film and suffering from some sort of square face syndrome) and places an apparently pre-made snowman head on the stump where Val Kilmer's head used to be, this is when you start to realize that this movie may be taking itself seriously, but it certainly isn't taking you seriously. 

Speaking of Val Kilmer, it took me a while into the movie to realize that all of his scenes in the film are in fact meant to be flashbacks. This only further complicates the overly convoluted and incoherent plot. Entire plotlines established are never resolved and you end up phasing in and out of paying attention and wondering why anyone is where they are, what's going on and why in the frozen hell I see pictured before me (AKA: Norway) should I give a fraction of a shit? It isn't surprising then when Tomas Alfredson, the director, comes out and says that a good percentage of the screenplay was never actually filmed due to time constraints.  

On top of all this you have what has got to be the shittiest serial killer death of all time. I figured out who the killer was fairly early on and when it's finally revealed who he is and what his reasons for doing what he's doing are - SPOILER ALERT: His abusive dick of a father didn't want him, he and his mother tried to chase him down in their car as he left which resulted in his mother going catatonic at the wheel and allowing the car to skid out on to the ice and sink into the lake with the future murderer managing to get free before the fateful moment - we are treated to the inevitable scene where the detective's loved ones are kidnapped and held hostage by the murderer. Pretty textbook so far.

A scuffle ensues and Harry Hole chases the killer down to a frozen lake for a showdown that mirrors the opening flashback and... get ready for this... the killer falls down an opening in the ice. So I guess you could say that... the Hole won in the end. 

Seriously though, what a shitty villain death. The Tooth Fairy killer's fake death in "Red Dragon" was better than that. You mean to tell me you had me track through ten inches and two hours of a boring, incoherent, incomplete and cliched mess of a fucking serial killer movie, and you can't even give me a proper villain death? I hate to harp on this but a good villain death, in my opinion, is an important thing. The audience wants to see the killer get his comeuppance and all you can give us is him falling down a fishin' hole and not coming back up again. Terrible.

And to top it all off, they make a point of trying to blame everything on the killer's illegitimate father. You know, instead of his mother who decided to commit suicide in front of him and possibly even kill him in the process. Good job, drunk detective who sleeps in playgrounds and has no actual family of his own. Your opinions are duly noted. 

 

Add to all this a dreary film-making style, largely morose performances and the Hole's female sidekick's revenge plotline ends in a wet fart with no real emotional reaction and what you're left with is a serial killer film that's somehow worse than "The Bone Collector". And believe me, that's saying something. 

Overall Quality Rating - 1/5

There is almost nothing I can recommend this movie for. It's not as imaginative in its filming or direction or concept as "Let the Right One In" and it lacks any of the intrigue of the similarly convoluted "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy". It certainly doesn't live up to the quality of past genre standards like "Manhunter", "The Silence of the Lambs" or "Se7en". Nothing shocking, nothing memorable, and overall the WORST REMAKE EVER.

Idiot Rating - 1.5/5

I give it an extra .5 for the Idiot Rating due to the aforementioned snowman corpse art, as well as the fact that every time I saw Chloe Sevigny's severed head all I could think of was that they'd best make sure Vincent Gallo wasn't allowed anywhere near the set. Outside of that you really don't have much to laugh at, although I will say that J.K Simmons' weirdly well executed posh English accent provided a few moments of mirth. Plus scenes where Val Kilmer acts like a drunken lunatic on the roof of the police station probably represents this film at its apex. 

Doc Holliday, what happened to you?

"Hey, is that a gun in your pocket or is that Tuberculosis?"
"It's Tuberculosis."
"Oh." (Dies of Tuberculosis)

 

I'm DeadEye and Merry Christmas ya filthy animals.  

Triple Feature Horror Round Up : The Woman in Black, The Craft, Upgrade - SPOILERS

No preamble. Let's just get to the fucking point. No I'm not grumpy, you're grumpy.

As always, there will be an Overall Quality Rating, which rates the actual goodness or otherwise of the film; and the Idiot Rating which rates general hilarity. And with that, fuck off down there with you. 

The Woman In Black (2012) - James Watkins

I happen to have read the 1983 novella 'The Woman In Black' by Susan Hill, which this film and its earlier 1989 adaptation for ITV (which is on YouTube, albeit with Spanish subtitles, and you should definitely watch) is based on; and whilst I can appreciate the quiet, low key creepiness of the novel, I can definitely understand a lot of the embellishments that were added into its subsequent adaptations. Quite frankly if you deigned to be 100% faithful and accurate to the source material on this one then what you'd end up with is about an hour tops of a pale looking 19th century gentleman cycling around a dreary village sifting through large swathes of paperwork in a dusty mansion. Works on paper with the right scribe, on screen it's coma material. 

But whilst Nigel Kneale (legendary British TV writer and creator of the 'Quatermass' series) took the gentile English ghost story and adapted it to screen with subtly chilling effect; Jane Goldman and James Watkins take this premise and do what most horror film-makers do nowadays. Jump out and yell BOO.

Don't get me wrong here. 'The Woman In Black' (2012) is not a bad film by any stretch. It's nicely filmed, the settings are effective and atmospheric, no one really gives a bad performance and some of the ideas and embellishments are enjoyable. It just happens to be one of those films where the plot often takes a backseat to people walking down dark corridors investigating noises that no one in their right goddamn mind would bother to ever investigate.

In short, it's British 'The Conjuring' with nicer visuals and a template based on a classic ghost story.

And you know what that means. That's right.
This Monkey toy gets a half a dozen side movies.

Daniel Radcliffe plays Arthur Kipps, a young lawyer whose wife dies in childbirth and is left to provide and care for his young son. Unfortunately this is early 1900s Great Britain and people think mental health leave is when you go to the local sanitarium and pay to poke the inmates with a walking stick and laugh, so Arthur's boss issues an ultimatum; "Very sorry about your dead wife and all, old chap, but get back to work or you're fired." 

As such Arthur accepts an assignment to the small village of Crythin Gifford to sort through the affairs of the recently deceased Alice Drablow. Who, as it happens, lived in a house on a small island connected to the mainland via a path surrounded by foggy marshes which tends to disappear underwater for large portions of the day. There's also a crucifix sticking up out of the marsh. The only way this could be more of a red flag is if Satan himself were standing at the mouth of the road with a sign saying 'Rapist Clown Party This Way.' 

Naturally not one person in the whole village wants to accommodate Arthur, let alone speak of the place; so he ends up having to bribe a local horse and carriage man (named Keckwick whose name amuses me for some reason) to take him out to Eel Marsh house and complete his assignment. 

He sees the eponymous Woman in Black and finds out that whenever someone sees the ghost of the woman, a child in the village inevitably dies. 

Which leads me to asking a couple of highly irrelevant questions. First of all, how far from the house is the Woman in Black's influence? Obviously it extends to the village, but what about beyond? If not - and given that so many people have been victimized by the WIB in the form of their children's horrible deaths - why not just leave? 

I mean, what are you leaving behind, really? I know that if I happened to live in a run down hole in the middle of nowhere with no career prospects and a madman who'll stab my dog to death if I so much as spy him wanking into the flower bed at the end of my garden, I'd swallow any sentimental feelings I had and get on the next bus to... anywhere that doesn't have that. 

Secondly, if leaving really is out of the question (and by extension, so is burning down the house and/or blowing up the pathway with dynamite), why give Arthur the cold shoulder? I mean it's not like he knows. You could try, I don't know... telling him about the curse lady? Sure, he may not believe you but if it really is a matter of your children's lives then I'd at least give it a go. Worst case scenario - he thinks you're a bit loony and goes anyway. Best case scenario - he still thinks you're a bit mental, but decides not to chance it, goes back home and gets a job as a chimney sweep. 

Chim-chiminy-chim-chiminy-chim-chim-charoon!
I'm covered in soot and I look like a co....

Like I said before, it's not a bad movie as such. As was previously stated it's nicely shot and well acted. The jumpscares, though overly frequent, are quite well built up and executed. But any way you slice it, you took a classic ghost story and slapped a bunch of 'The Conjuring' scares on to it. It's what I like to call a 'Funhouse Movie.' Isn't really scary, might give you a bit of a thrill, but ultimately is just a bunch of BOO jumpscares. Even the WIB herself is turned into little more than a computer generated Halloween decoration. 

Beyond that you have a fairly repetitive story. He goes to the house and witnesses creepy shit, goes back to the village where someone dies; goes back to the house and witnesses creepy shit, goes back to the village where someone dies, etc, etc. On top of this the ending, quite different to the original novel, rubbed me the wrong way. Yes the 1989 version also changed things a little from the novel's ending, but it was only slight and it was much more effective. Here it came off corny and lacked the chill of the novel or 1989 version's endings. 

Overall Quality Rating - 3/5

If you're looking for a slightly more upmarket 'The Conjuring' where people walk down corridors and wait to get jumped by ghost muggers wearing balaclavas then you could go worse. It has the advantage of having been based on a decent ghost story and having some good direction and set design. 

Idiot Rating - 2/5

There are a couple of silly jumpscares, especially when the WIB is computer generated. One of the better embellishments from the original story is the addition of Arthur's 'sidekick' character Samuel Daily having a wife who is not only completely off her meds due to the death of their son (to the point of dressing up small dogs, sitting them down at the dinner table and treating them like babies), but at one point becomes possessed by the spirit of a dead child, resulting in one of the funnier scenes of the film. 

The Craft (1996) - Andrew Fleming

  

"Glenn," you might be asking, alone in your room and out loud for some reason, "why are you reviewing a movie clearly intended for teenage girls?"

Well, I could ask you, what are you doing reading a review of a movie clearly intended for teenage girls? For that matter, why don't you have a job? Why are your parents disappointed in you? What are you doing on that chair with that rope around your neck? There are many questions in this world for which there are no answers. For now, let me tell you about this movie for teenage girls. 

So this is one of those movies that I've seen several times but I always forget about. As such I end up watching it again and then forgetting about it again, only to then watch it again. I repeat this process until someone intervenes. As of yet no one has. 

But evidently someone didn't forget about this movie, because not only is a bit of a cult film, but it also has finally garnered a sequel from the acclaimed Blumhouse Productions. 

To comment on it quickly, I'm not sure whether it's supposed to be a remake or a sequel. The similar premise - teenage girl moves to new town, goes to new school, meets weird witch friends, hilarity ensues - and the whole 'light as a feather, stiff as a board' thing from the original suggest remake. Meanwhile the subtitle 'Legacy' (ugh) and the inclusion of pics of Fairuza Balk's character also from the original suggest sequel. Aside from this ambiguity, it's what you'd expect from a modern trailer: vaguely feminist sentiments intercut with an ambient monged out version of 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.' Also David Duchovny. 

'Scully this has all the hallmarks of sassy teenage witchcraft.'

But I have to say, I'm disappointed. Being a die-hard Meninist, I am shocked and appalled that Hollywood hasn't lived up to its commitment to diversity and gender-swapped the whole thing. I mean clearly everyone is crying out for an all male version of this fi....

Arrgh! Get it away! Kill it! Arrgh!

So the original film begins with Sarah (Robin Tunney) moving to Los Angeles with her father and stepmother, and immediately I'm getting deja vu because Jesus if Robin Tunney doesn't look almost exactly like Kristen Stewart in 'Twilight'.

The similarities continue as Sarah endures her first day at school and ends up making friends with three outcast school girls: Bonnie (Neve Campbell) who sports burns over a good portion of her body which are never explained, Rochelle (Rachel True) who is the black one, and Nancy (Fairuza Balk), who one fluctuates between wanting to sleep with on the one hand, and on the other, to feed her raw meat from the safety of an underwater cage. 

Horny or Hungry? You be the judge. 

As it happens the three girls are looking for a 'fourth' to complete their coven and become all powerful witches. Upon becoming all powerful they do exactly what you'd expect teenage girls to do: use said power to settle personal grievances with other school girls. And change their hair colour. 

Okay, that's unfair. Nancy does end up using her power to kill her abusive trailer trash father, resulting in she and her mother receiving a hefty life insurance payout. Sarah on the other hand uses her power to cast a love spell on a football player who spread rumours about her and turns him into a simp who carries her books for her. Bonnie gets rid of the burns on her body and goes to school the next day baring some skin. And Rochelle makes the blonde bitch's hair fall out after she receives some mild racist abuse from her. 

Of course such things have their price, as Sarah's unfortunate paramour hangs around outside her house watching her sleep, not being able to eat or sleep himself due to the spell. For some reason she agrees to go on another date with him where he attempts to force himself her, shouting "IT'S GONNA HAPPEN!" And to be honest, what did anyone expect? You turn him into a male feminist and then you act shocked when he tries to rape you? It's a toxic combination. Entitlement issues and raging male hormones are not a good mix. And yet, despite the schoolboy lies, horrific simping, creepy behaviour and even the attempted rape; all in all it was STILL a better love story than 'Twilight'.

Thank you, thank you, I'm here all week.

For Bonnie and Rochelle there isn't that much in the way of comeuppance. They see themselves in a mirror looking like the very things they fear to be and then run away leaving Nancy to finish off Sarah. And really that's where my criticism of this film lies. If anything it's just not edgy enough. Sarah almost gets raped. Bonnie and Rochelle just kind of lose their powers by the end. In fact the most memorable and perhaps edgiest element of the film is Fairuza Balk as Nancy, who chews the scenery and ends up being responsible for the film's two solitary deaths.

Overall though, it ends up being just as you probably suspected earlier. Forgettable. Perhaps relatable enough for teenage girls to garner some cult status, but nowhere near shocking enough for any seasoned horror fans. 

But then, what did I expect? It's a film for teenage girls. 

Overall Quality Rating - 3/5

Forgettable? Sure. Lacking in any real horror? Affirmative. Entertaining? Well you could go worse shoving something on for your 90s nostalgia meetup. It's got that 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' aesthetic that's kind of nice to see once in a while. Maybe that's why I end up watching it once every few years. It's the decade I grew up in and for all its flaws it represents the the time period rather nicely. Plus it has a decent cover of Peter Gabriel's 'I Have the Touch' in the end credits, so there's that. 

Idiot Rating - 3/5

Not only does it have some questionable effects, Fairuza Balk's scenery chewing is the most fun you'll have with this film. Especially towards the end where she's floating several feet off the ground, slamming Sarah into walls and generally going completely apeshit. 

Upgrade (2018) - Leigh Whannell

Aussie film-maker Leigh Whannell made a name for himself creating, writing and acting in such films and franchises as the "Saw" series, the "Insidious" series, "Dead Silence" and "Cooties". Whether you consider these examples of cinematic genius or outright war crimes, one must admit, the guy will go down as highly influential in the annals of horror cinema. 

Personally, I have a kind of love hate relationship with the guy. "Saw"? Meh. "Insidious"? Only one I really liked was the second one and that's because it was a high level Idiot Movie. Really the whole series should have been centered around the ghost hunters rather than the same middle class family we always see in these kinds of films. 

But I've always watched him with interest, because even in some of the crap he's made, he's always had some fun ideas. And now we get to "Upgrade". Probably his best film in my humble opinion. 

The film follows mechanic and technophobe Grey Trace, who may have the most boring sci-fi name of all time. He and his wife are targeted by a group of hired assassins who proceed to kill her and paralyze Grey from the neck down. Grieving and suicidal, a tech mogul offers to implant him with a special chip which will give him the ability to walk again. Shortly after the procedure, Grey finds that not only is he able to walk again, but the implants talks to him and can also, with his permission, take control of his body, turning him into a near unstoppable fighting machine. 

With this new found help, Grey goes about the task of tracking down and taking revenge on the people who killed his wife. 

Fairly simple premise with a more than competent execution. Leigh Whannell not only writes but takes the directing chair in this one. With "Upgrade" he manages to merge the genres of Cyberpunk, Body Horror and Revenge Movie (all of which I am a fan of) in a manner that may appeal to the average movie-goer but without toning things down too much. There's darkness and tragedy of course but not so much that it becomes pretentious or loses its entertainment value. 

Yeah it has a tendency to overdo it on the comedy (something that's kind of common in Leigh Whannell's work) and there are one or two holes needing plastered over, but it's well directed, shot nicely (especially in the fight scenes) and the sci-fi set design is quite pretty to look at. It is a bit baby's first cyberpunk but there's nothing overly wrong with that. Just know going in that you aren't about to see that long sought after "Neuromancer" adaptation. 

For gore fans, the violence is bloody and over the top, with one or two genuinely shocking moments and a refreshing lack of CG. As is standard it has that Saw-esque twist at the end which probably raises a few more questions on its own but it works overall. 

Overall Quality Rating - 4/5

I genuinely enjoyed this one and it made me interested to see Leigh's recent take on "The Invisible Man", again for Blumhouse. It's a simple movie with a simple idea and that's usually what I like. I'd even go as far as to say that it's probably the sort of movie that my favourite director John Carpenter may have made back in his heyday of the 80s. Flawed, but a genuine treat.

Idiot Rating - 2/5

There are some moments where the implant takes over Grey's body to take down multiple opponents with ease as he mugs in utter shock and amazement that may clash with the overall dark tone of the movie, but nonetheless gain a chuckle or two from me. 

Anyways, that's all for now.

I'm DeadEye and I hope you rot in Hell.  

 

  

Underwater (2020) Review - SPOILERS

I only just watched this the night before writing this and given the film's main antagonist (if you could even call him that) I felt I had to comment.

I am what you would consider a medium sized fan of H.P Lovecraft's 'Cthulhu Mythos'. I've read a fair few of the most famous stories; 'Call of Cthulhu' of course, a titan of 20th century horror literature; 'The Dunwich Horror', not too far behind CoC in it's inimitable status (and hopefully to be adapted by Richard Stanley soon); 'Dagon', the quintessential Lovecraft tale; and of course 'The Shadow Over Innsmouth', perhaps the most adapted and imitated of Lovecraft's stories, at one point even made into the video game 'Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth', a game so nerve wracking I've yet to pick it up again since I was chased through a hotel by gangs of hammer wielding, bug-eyed fish men with only book cases to defend myself with. 

Video evidence of the reason AR-15s with chainsaw attachments should be considered a human right. 

I heard of the film 'Underwater' starring Kristen Stewart a while ago and despite my love for horror in isolated spaces (John Carpenter's The Thing, Alien, Event Horizon, Prince of Darkness) my interest in this was pretty flaccid. I'd already gone through the derivative 'Life' starring Jake Gyllenhaal a little while before and with a similarly banal title like 'Underwater' I expected little of anything different. 

Seriously though, what is it movies nowadays with boring, unimaginative titles? 'Life', 'Spy', 'Underwater'. Yes, the film is set underwater, very good. It's like if 'Dead Calm' called itself 'Boat' Have we actually gotten to the point where we have to make use of generic, monosyllabic titles to describe our thinly veiled rehashes of older movies? I imagine in the future we'll be going to see 'Ubiquitous Marvel Film #3467' in our grey jump suits, shoveling down mouthfuls of energy depleting government issue gruel. Mark my words, this is the first step towards NPC cinema. 

....

So anyways I decided to rent the film from Amazon Prime and it's because I happened to find out who the main threat of the film was and no it wasn't Kristen Stewart's pronouns.

It's SIR to you, shitlord.

As you've no doubt gleaned from my second paragraph - the film's antagonist is Cthulhu. Yes, I'm not kidding. Not something that looks sort of like Cthulhu or some homage, it's actually Cthulhu. And he looks good. Clearly he's been working out, what with the lockdown and all. But try to imagine this for a second, because I know it will be hard for you.

Imagine making a movie with Cthulhu; Heavy C, Grand Master Octo-Dragon Man, Mr Insane in the Cosmic Membrane Nightmare Tentacles himself... and doing almost nothing with him.

I know, it's incomprehensible to you. For once we have a mainstream movie that portrays Cthulhu as anything more than an ironic punchline for literature-bereft hipster nerds and they do pretty much nothing with him. He's just there. He roars a little. That's about it. And before anyone gives me shit for being annoyed that Cthulhu didn't snap up T.J Miller and eat him like a chocolate bar (although that would have increased the film's quality exponentially) that's not my problem. I find it more problematic that Kristen Stewart's character was able to look upon the Kraken of Dreams without her brain melting and oozing out of her pale skinny ass like the slugs from 'Dreamcatcher'. Yeah, remember that movie? Well I fucking referenced it. How about that, huh? 

*Fart. Plop*

As it happens her ass is probably the most appealing thing about this movie. It starts off with Kristen Stewart's character, Norah, delivering a morose narration about how there's a comfort in cynicism and how her career as an Annie Lennox tribute act never really took off. Shortly afterward the underwater research and drilling facility she's in (what in fact they are researching and drilling for is never brought up) starts to fall apart due to what initially appears to be an underwater earthquake. SPOILER: They soon realize that they busted in on Cthulhu having a wank and now he mad AF.  

So what's the problem? Sounds like your kind of movie, GLENN. Why you gotta be so picky, HUH? What did you do with my daughter's body, MONSTER?

All valid questions. My problem is mostly that, like 'Life', it's a generic horror film that's derivative of the aforementioned 'Alien' and 'Event Horizon' type films that had their own ideas and actually made use of them in some memorable way. Not only that, in this generic horror film, they decided to use one of the towering horror icons of the 20th century and then proceed to not use him in any way shape or form. It goes through the motions. They walk around in the dark, get chased by Deep Ones (basically Fish-Apes), T.J Miller says something ironic while playing with his stuffed rabbit toy.... Wait, why did he have that? What was that about? Nobody says anything about it. It's never explained. Was it just there to make his character more quirky? At least Nicolas Cage in 'Con Air' had a reason. 

  
Point is there's nothing original here and given that they have no ideas that relate in any way to the Cthulhu Mythos, it makes me think that the writers are cursorily aware of Cthulhu but have no real idea as to what he actually is or what he does. Personally I was hoping for scenes where Norah's friends and colleagues slowly start going insane, engaging in ritual behaviour and start becoming Cthulhu worshipers, carving weird symbols into their skin and sexually assaulting each other in pools of briny slime. That would have been cool. A Cthulhu cult in a vaguely sci-fi underwater setting.

But we didn't get that. We got a rehash of a hundred other modern horror flicks that just happens to have Squid-head Schwarzenegger in it. Eventually I just resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't going to get what I wanted and started waiting for the moment Norah got Cthulhu cancelled for something mildly racist he said about Shoggoths around 10,000 years ago. 

Didn't even get that either. Just another needless, dreary narration.

Overall Quality Rating - 2.5/5

Whilst the film never truly makes proper use of the idea of humans stumbling upon Cthulhu in the process of vague corporate bullshit, its direction is solid and it does manage to create an isolated and claustrophobic atmosphere with the environments and cinematography. This is probably helped by the fact that I have a fear of drowning and quite frankly FUCK the deep sea. 

Look at that. That's not CGI, that's fucking real. There ought to be a fucking law. Yet further argument that the 2nd Amendment should be expanded to include amphibious tanks and underwater adaptable mini-nukes. 

Aside from that your characters are largely unmemorable and Stewart continues her dead eyed acting technique from the 'Twilight' films. T.J Miller is the Ryan Reynolds of the crew, providing comic relief and Jessica Henwick (Colleen Wing in 'Iron Fist', and I'm sure she regrets that every day) does some decent work here and provides some eye-candy for my East-Asian fetishizing peepers. 

Idiot Rating - 1/5

Unfortunately I can't even recommend this for the sake of unintentional hilarity. The film takes itself uber-seriously beyond T.J Miller's quips and little in the way of ridiculous events occurs. Look elsewhere. 

Ultimately what this film sorely needed was Sam Neil screaming at things. 

I'm DeadEye, and your daughter's body tasted delicious.